美国驻阿富汗的McChrystal将军因为发表对奥巴马和政府官员的贬损言论而遭到解职。副总统拜登听到这个事后被吓到了：什么？说一些愚蠢的话就会被解职？什么时候开始的？是不是新施行的？

"President Obama said today, although he admires McChrystal’s service and dedication to his country, he said, ‘You don’t criticize your bosses.’ Okay, that’s the same reason President Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese." –Jay Leno

奥巴马今天说，虽然他很感激McChrystal将军为美国做出的奉献，但是，‘不应该批评你的老板’，同样的原因，奥巴马从来没说过中国的坏话。

"The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will be shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it’s going to be boring when C-SPAN 2 passes on it." –Jimmy Fallon

最高大法官候选人Elena Kagan的就职听证会周一将在C-SPAN 3直播，连C-SPAN 2都并不愿意直播可见得有多无聊。

"They’re having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?" –David Letterman

Elena Kagan的听证会在华盛顿举行，她在听证会过程中很少发表意见，我心想，天啊—你们是怎么找到这样的女人的。
"Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to." –Jay Leno

墨西哥对亚利桑那最新的反非法移民法提出抗议，这是史无前例的，因为这是墨西哥第一次关注移民方面的法律。

"The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure." –Jimmy Kimmel

史上任期最长的西弗吉尼亚州国会议员Robert Byrd去世了，享年92岁，他也可能是1982年去世的，没人能确定。

"It’s not the G-20 anymore. It’s now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States." –David Letterman

这已经不是G-20峰会了，现在是G-19，因为加纳刚刚淘汰了美国。

"The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer." –David Letterman

俄罗斯间谍最近在伪装成美国人活动，实际上，为了装成美国人，他们这两周也装作喜欢足球。

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

BP公司的新闻简报的一篇文章说，墨西哥湾沿岸的居民对BP没有不满，因为BP负责清理石油的工人刺激了当地的经济增长，这就好比基地组织因为增加了美国机场保安的工作机会而邀功一样。

议会在讨论一个新的法案：给予总统关闭互联网的权利。戈尔强力反对，不是因为他发明了互联网，而是因为他刚刚注册了世纪佳缘（戈尔刚刚离婚）。

"This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

这是国际空间站历史上第一次同时有两位女航天员，这意味着：无重力枕头大战。

"While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a ‘complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.’ Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在国会接受质询时，BP的CEO说漏油事件是由前所未有的各种失误造成的复杂事故，后来他意识到他正在念的是之前高盛一位高管留在台上的讲稿。

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

BP的CEO却还在游艇上度假，索马里海盗哪里去了？

"Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they’re just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?" –Jay Leno

看这条愚蠢的新闻，加州要破产了，他们想尽一切办法来增加收入，加州立法者，提议允许电子车牌，那样可以在车牌上放广告。请问那广告是给谁看的？一边开车一边发短信还有可能看其他的地方吗？

"Because of the success of ‘Toy Story 3,’ Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It’s BP presents ‘Try Finding Nemo Now.’" –Jay Leno

因为玩具总动员三的成功，Pixar开始筹备另一个大受欢迎的电影的续集，由BP制作：试试再寻找Nemo。

"In 2011, China will end America’s 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

到2011年，美国保持了110年的世界第一制造大国地位，将由中国代替。我有个好主意，我们应该制造那件世界一直需要的东西：中国制造标签。

"Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

拉里金昨晚为漏油事件筹款的特别节目募集到180万美元，一般情况下，想从拉里金手里拿到那么多钱，你得跟他离婚。

“麦孔这个球几乎是零度角射门，88年欧洲杯范巴斯滕曾经打入一个经典的零度角射门，但实际上麦孔今天这个球比巴斯滕的角度还小，守门员李明国明显是判断失误，以为麦孔会传中。这是麦孔的第一届世界杯，第一个世界杯入球就如此精彩，是一个值得铭记的时刻。足球场上，偶尔会出现角球直接破门，那是最接近零度角的射门，但还不是严格意义的0度，我们可以算一算，标准足球场宽度是64-75米，角球直接射门一般是挂后角入网，这样从角球点到入网处大概是37米距离，而角球区是一段半径为1米的1/4圆弧，假设球员把球放到角球区的中间，这样球心据底线距离大概是0.5米，先看这个球，巴斯托斯这脚远射，门将脱手了，后卫赶紧破坏，巴斯托斯这场比赛表现的非常不错。继续刚才零度角的话题，我们可以算出射门角度的正切值大概为0.5除以37，约等于0.0135，我现在手头没有计算器，但根据微积分学里的泰勒公式可以推出，当角度非常小时，正切值约等于角度值，也就是说角度也大约为0.0135，但是这个值的单位是弧度，一弧度约等于180除以pi角度，众所周知pi的值大约为3.14，这样0.0135弧度大约等于，0.0135乘以180再除以3.14，我用这个赛前拿到的首发名单纸边上的空白处简单计算了一下，大概为0.77度，也就是说角球直接罚进的话，在理论上，射门角度不到1度，而正面射门的角度为90度，大家可以想象一下角球直接破门的难度。我们继续看比赛，朝鲜队把球交给郑大世。。。。。”

你知道谁是Rush Limbaugh婚礼的表演嘉宾？Elton John，不可思议，证明了那句老话：有钱能使鬼推磨。

"Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo’s central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great." –Jimmy Fallon

今天，奥巴马在密歇根的一个高中演讲，他对学生说：你们将会实现任何梦想，不过，如果能成为油田泄露施救专家，那最好不过了。

"Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet." –Jay Leno

看起来戈尔离婚的代价是相当大，现在戈尔只是谈论如何挽救半个地球了。

"A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama is willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it." –Jay Leno

很多人纳闷为什么奥巴马愿意坐下来和内贾德会谈，却不愿跟BP的CEO Tony Hayward会面，我觉得奥巴马是害怕了，内贾德只是宣称要毁灭地球，但Hayward已经动手了。

"The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf." –Jay Leno

世界杯第一场重头戏是美国对英格兰，输的一方将负责清理墨西哥湾。

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

好消息，在墨西哥湾，科学家用探针发现了海水的痕迹。

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’" –David Letterman

奥巴马又去了墨西哥湾，这已经是漏油事件以来的第四次，BP高层说：看，没影响旅游业吧。

"You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future." –Jimmy Fallon

华盛顿厨艺大赛今晚将在Bravo电视台首播，我喜欢看这节目，不过因为是在首都的比赛，所以参赛者不需要真做出来东西，只需要谈论一下将要做什么就可以了。

交通部负责人表示奥巴马政府将很快开放墨美边境的货车通道，此消息震惊了墨西哥的货车司机，他们根本不知道通道关闭了。

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

昨晚白宫举行盛大国宴招待墨西哥总统卡尔德隆，卡尔德隆席间指出他跟奥巴马有很多共同点：执掌的国家都非常美丽，都是左撇子，各领导着四千万墨西哥人。

"And in welcoming Mexico’s president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, ‘We are not defined by our borders.’ The president of Mexico said, ‘What borders?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马在欢迎辞中说：两国的友谊不会被国界线所隔阂，卡尔德隆打断问：什么国界线？

"The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News." –Jay Leno

奥巴马政府公布了美国的核储备，美国现有5113个核弹头，1000个瞄准中国，1000个瞄准俄罗斯，剩下的都瞄着福克斯新闻台。

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottled water or nail clippers.’" –Jimmy Fallon

开罗警方扣留一名从纽约肯尼迪机场来的美国人，他携带了2把枪，250发子弹，很多剑，匕首和刀在行李里，肯尼迪国际机场的安检人员听说后：虽然他有那些东西，但他绝对不会携带水和指甲刀。

"And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she’s apparently very, very smart. Here’s how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs." –David Letterman

我们要有一位新的大法官了，她来自纽约，非常聪明–她能看懂纽约市的停车指示牌。

"According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, ‘They were going up anyway.’" –Jay Leno

据石油行业的高层人士透露，墨西哥湾原油泄露事件不会影响汽油价格—-无论如何都会涨的。

"During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在俄亥俄的一次演讲中，奥巴马对听众说经济形势一年前的时候要比现在差很多，人群里立刻有人提醒他说去年你就是总统了。

墨西哥湾原油泄露事件情况越来越恶化，自从布什总统卸任以后，这是对新奥尔良最大的威胁。

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

不过也有好消息，原油价格每桶下降了12美元，是啊，要是能从海里舀出来的话，谁还花钱买呢。

“And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: ‘Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?’” –Jay Leno

从油井里露出的石油是最初预计的五倍，前总统布什听说后：等一下，你是说我们在墨西哥湾就有石油？

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

周一，BP承诺将竭尽全力承担所有清理费用，无论得把油价升到多高。

“This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.”  –David Letterman

石油泄露事件影响着每一个人，周末我去吃饭的时候点了海鲈鱼，他们问我是要常规的还是无铅的。

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

BP的灾后反应使得高盛的人看起来很有责任感。

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” –Jay Leno

科学家发明了一种以水为燃料的汽车，但前提是得用墨西哥湾的水。

“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” –Jay Leno

今天，BP的CEO说泄露事件对环境的影响会是非常小的。是啊，要是住在英国的话。

“It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the ‘Lost’ series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s definitely the worst leak of all time, right?’” –Jimmy Fallon

有传闻Lost大结局的剧本泄露了六页，BP高管听说后：这可是史上最大的泄露事件啊。

今天高盛听证会，律师，议员和银行家同在一个屋里，撒谎界的三驾马车。

"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon

一名乘坐Delta航空从巴黎到亚特兰大的乘客宣称自己行李箱里有爆炸物，安保说这是联邦重罪，Delta航空说你得多付15块钱的携带炸弹费。

"Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China." –David Letterman

盖特纳展示了新版的百元钞票，就是想在把这些钱送到中国之前给我们看看。

"On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration." –David Letterman

1789年的今天，乔治华盛顿宣誓就职成为美国第一任总统，他也是唯一一个没有责备前任总统的总统。

"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman

伊朗独裁者内贾德今天在纽约市，所以，至少今天，市长布隆伯格不再是纽约市最矮的独裁者。

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

调查显示12%的父母通过不许孩子上社交网站的方式来惩罚他们，剩下的88%通过加入社交网站来惩罚孩子。

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama‘ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

德州的警察逮捕了一个犯人，此人用奥巴马的名字从35个ATM机器上投钱，被发现是一定的，因为奥巴马只会给银行钱，而不会从银行取钱（讽刺下奥巴马的对银行的bailout）

有人在时代广场企图引爆装在SUV车里的炸药，车是日产的探路者，大概犯罪分子认为要是用丰田车的话，那危险的就是他自己了。

"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

专家说炸药已经被安全清除，如果要是爆炸的话，给纽约造成的破坏堪比高盛。

"Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

警察突袭了他的家，据邻居说，嫌疑人告诉他们他是在华尔街工作的，发现实际上他只不过是个恐怖分子后，邻居们松了一口气。

"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I’ll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman

周末发生了很诡异的事情，一辆车停在了45街和broadway的路口，太诡异了，居然能在那儿找到停车位。

"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn’t in on it." –Jimmy Fallon

我们住到了时报广场恐怖袭击的犯罪嫌疑人，他交代整个事件都是一个人干的，确实是一个人，连炸药都没配合他。

"Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn’t the work of a stoner, I don’t know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

企图炸纽约时报广场未遂的那个犯罪嫌疑人脑子不怎么好使。首先，此人在淘宝上买了辆SUV，还用的是真实资料注册的账号，放入了一些烟花爆竹，然后又开了一辆车到纽约，作为逃跑用车，结果他把SUV开到时报广场离开后，发现逃跑用车的钥匙落在了SUV里，所以只能坐地铁回家，到家门口发现，自己房门钥匙也落在了SUV里，还是让房东开的门。这绝对是吸毒的人才能干出的事。

"We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within." –Jimmy Kimmel

我认为不应该抓他，应该放了他，让他加入塔利班，他能从内部瓦解塔利班。

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ … The Taliban said, ‘The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.’" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

一开始塔利班宣称对此次事件负责，后来犯罪嫌疑人浮出水面后，塔利班说：这跟我们没关，对美国搞破坏的话，我们会雇BP的（BP公司原油泄露在墨西哥湾）。

英国政府派了艘军舰去法国接因为火山灰耽误航班的乘客，尴尬一刻发生了，当军舰到达港口后，法国投降了。

"A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They’d like to, but there’s no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street." –Jay Leno

一份研究显示，越来越少的移民寄钱回老家了，因为老家已经没人了，都来美国了，寄给街对面就好了。

"Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?" –David Letterman

221年前，乔治华盛顿来到纽约，借了几本书，一直没还，221年的欠费啊，同志们，如果非要总统为经济危机负责的话，算在他头上吧。

"According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That’s the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish." –Jay Leno

根据《今日美国》，71%的美国家庭都已经填好了人口普查表，坏消息是—-全是用西班牙语填的。

"The publisher says that in the book, Bush writes honestly and directly about his flaws and mistakes. And I’m thinking, whew! Man, this is going to be a long book." –David Letterman

出版方说书里布什将坦诚的讲述其在任期间犯的错误，这可得是一本巨厚的书啊。

"The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones." –Jay Leno

美国财政部发行了新版100美元钞票，早就该发行新的了，现在的版本全在中国手里。

"The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that’s what the ‘American Idol’ judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers." –Jimmy Kimmel

参议院举行听证会，关于高盛在08年次贷危机中扮演的角色：高盛卖给客户质量差的抵押贷款，然后投注他们会搞砸，再赚一笔。我怎么觉得这有点像《美国偶像》的评委对我们干的事呢：让一群蹩脚的歌手晋级。

上海世博会如火如荼，但有的场馆火爆有的冷清，为了平衡流量，冷清的场馆前大屏幕开始播放《非诚勿扰》，火爆的场馆前播放《新闻联播》。—Jeff

最近亚利桑那州通过了美国历史上最严格的发移民法案，目的是将亚利桑那非法入境的墨西哥人驱逐回他们的老家——洛杉矶

"Arizona’s Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed." –Bill Maher, on Arizona’s immigration bill.

亚利桑那州长签署这个法案的时候犹豫了一下，她自己解释说不是因为法案内容有争议。我想她是想确认一下自己家的游泳池是否清理了，草地是否割过了（主要是非法墨西哥移民做的工作）

"Here in New York City, the Yankees, they’re champions. In Arizona, they would be deported." –David Letterman

在纽约市这里，扬基的队员们是冠军，要是在亚利桑那，他们会被驱逐出境。

"Senator John McCain supported Arizona’s new immigration bill. John McCain, also an immigrant. He came over on the Mayflower." –David Letterman

麦凯恩支持新的移民法案，其实麦凯恩也是个移民，当年坐五月花号来的（调侃麦凯恩的年迈）

"How many people are here just because you’re hiding from the Arizona police?" –David Letterman

你们有多少人在这里是为了躲避亚利桑那的警察的？

"I called the governor’s office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English." –Jay Leno

我几天给亚利桑那州长办公室打了一个电话，语音留言提示说：按1是英语，按2是英语，按3是英语。

"Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van." –Jay Leno

亚利桑那通过了美国历史上最严厉的移民法案，已经有一百个可疑人员被盘查了，都来自一辆面包车里。

今天是核桃树节，核桃树能活300年，老了之后还能结果，简直是树中的拉里金。

"This week they were very upset with Obama because he had a big nuclear summit and he apparently bowed a little to the Chinese President. For the amount of cash that we owe China, we’re lucky he didn’t have to kneel and blow him." –Bill Maher

这周大家都很失望，因为核峰会上他见胡主席的时候微微鞠了一躬，但你要考虑到我们欠中国的钱数，没下跪就不错了。

"Larry King has filed for divorce. The rumor going around is that Larry’s wife left him for a younger man, John McCain." –Jay Leno

拉里金正式提出离婚，有谣言说他妻子找了个年轻一点的：麦凯恩。

"Well, folks, a big setback for NASA. President Obama cutting the space program of sending men to the moon. Although he can point to one big achievement during his time in office. We did put an astronaut on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’" –Jay Leno

NASA的巨大损失，奥巴马决定削减登月项目的经费，不过奥巴马任期内也有个巨大成就，把一个宇航员送上了《舞林大会》。

"The Fox network had their annual telethon ‘Idol Gives Back.’ I was hoping they would give back the hundreds of hours I’ve wasted watching ‘American Idol.’" –Jimmy Kimmel

FOX电视台举办了年度的“偶像回馈”节目，我希望他们能还我看《美国偶像》的数百个小时时间。

"Because of the volcano, the airlines lost $2 billion. Usually, all they lose is my luggage." –David Letterman

因为火山灰，欧洲航空公司损失了20亿美元，平时，损失的只是我的行李。

为了更好的了解中国，年初时我开始看全国收视率最高的节目《非诚勿扰》，当时还不太了解中国人，以为节目上的嘉宾就代表了一般的中国女孩子，后来我发现————————————当初的想法是对的   –Jeff

在瑞士日内瓦，科学家们在为一个造价几百万美元的原子加速器而欢呼，此加速器可以给提供一些宇宙起源的信息，为啥科学家不知道省点钱呢，直接问拉里金不就完了。

"Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn’t know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney’s underground torture chamber." –David Letterman

在白宫，每年复活节后的周一，孩子们都在草坪上找蛋，不过今年这个活动取消了，原因十分令人震惊：去年有几个小孩无意中闯入了切尼的地下秘密酷刑室。

"It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain." –Jay Leno

佩林可能要做一个真人秀，但具体她的角色还没有确定，就像当年跟麦凯恩搭档竞选一样。

"Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate." –David Letterman

专家认为iPad会革新我们拖延的方式。

"KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It’s bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: ‘We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can’t keep up with you guys.’" –Jay Leno

肯德基新出了一种特大号三明治，熏肉奶酪加俩炸鸡块，结果基地组织宣布：我们败了，在谋杀美国人这方面，实在跟不上你们的步伐。

"KFC restaurants have unveiled the ‘Double Down,’ which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance." –Craig Ferguson

我觉得这个三明治不错，怕什么呢，我们有免费的医疗保险。

世博会开幕了，法国带来很多世界级名画，名画的保护问题一直是个难题，我有个好主意，让胡主席在画上题词就好了。  -Jeff

本文参考了很多网上的段子，都是耳熟能详的，数量太多就不一一标注原出处了。

2010年4月1日，美国人Jeff（已入中国籍）受邀在人民大会堂由国务院举办的记者晚宴上做压轴发言，原定出席的Hu主席因临时有事缺席，由Wen总理代替。出席的包括中央电视台新华社凤凰卫视等媒体的记者和主持人。由CCTV1现场直播。

据Jeff介绍：这篇演讲稿参考了黄西（Joe Wong）在美国RTCA晚宴的演讲。

我的名字是Jeff，但大多数中国人都管我叫姐夫，这实际上是Xi 副主席的外号。

玩笑归玩笑，各位领导请放心，我今天是准备替党说话的。

我喜欢吃地沟油做的川菜，谁不喜欢呢？

我爸没什么文化，但他喜欢自学汉语，看一些稀奇古怪的中文书，7岁时有一天他问我：为什么驴是有户口的马？我想了半天问：什么是户口？

2003年我来到江苏的南京大学，在这所中国最好的大学学习—这不是玩笑—直到我入学。通过小百合bbs买了一辆二手自行车，我其实不会骑自行车，本来以为是中国制造的环保汽车，因为当时帖子里写的是“全景天窗，无极变速，真皮座椅，适合城市郊区和山地各种道路。。。”

我们都希望自己的孩子能够熟悉中西两种文化，所以训练儿子既吃包子也吃披萨，儿子总问，为什么馅里馅外的东西都得吃呢，我说，孩子啊，你以后学会了上网，得到mitbbs上吃包子，披萨陷在外面，你就知道是不是纸馅做的了。

从南京大学毕业后，我决定留在中国，因为我有一个特长回美国无法施展：翻墙。

为了加入中国国籍，就得参加时事政治学习班，课上会问很多问题，比如：什么是三鹿奶粉事件，我：计划生育的一种实施手段？什么是山西疫苗事件，我：计划生育的一种实施手段？ 什么是三个代表？我：于再清，严琦和朱军？

这几年为了更了解中国，一直关注网上的新闻，我觉得我摸到了在中国生存的窍门，那就是：不要相信网络上的任何消息——–直到官方出来否认。

我看新闻上报道Hu主席经常要在中南海接见各国领导，我从不邀请任何人来我家做客，因为我买不起房子。我住在北京，这里出了个任志强，成天说房价太低，我觉得最近上映的一部电影是专门说他的：《无耻混蛋》。

今天很荣幸看到Wen总理在场，我看过你去年接受CNN的采访，今天在这看到了你本人，我觉得在电视上时你的演技要好很多。

今天在座有很多政府官员，我自认跟你们是同行，因为我也保持着写日记的习惯:）。我觉得官员日记是色情文学最后的避难所，只有在那里，你能读到类似如下的文字：做了三次，射了，累。

这是我第一次上CCTV1，最爱看的就是你们的新闻联播，我无法忍受凤凰卫视有那么多插播广告，每次看到广告我就换台，再换回去都会错过锵锵三人行的一些对话，但是新闻联播不一样，无论我怎么换台，都能看完一条完整的新闻。

今晚受宠若惊能在这里演讲，为此精心准备了几个月，前几天我给国务院和Hu主席看了我准备的关于他的笑话，看了后他就决定不来了，直接去美国讨论中美汇率问题了，听说这次又没给奥巴马好脸色，我希望不是因为我的那几个笑话影响了他的心情。

Hu主席总被批评面无表情，我觉得比Hu主席表情更无情的就是发改委，Hu主席正出访美国，发改委在这个时候提高油价…

08年我终于成了中国人，感谢祖国。中国是世界上最好的国家，否则为什么世界上有最多的人选择它作为祖国呢！

08年也是奥运年，在以Hu主席为核心的党中央领导下，社会安定团结，国际地位稳步提高。和谐社会的理念打动了我，这是他们的执政思想。

我突然觉得我也应该竞选国家主席，这里我得解释一下，一直以来大家都说我是一个内向消极的人，我觉得人生就像在跑步机上跑步，你可能累的够呛，但是别人眼里，还是停在原地。

Hu主席和Wen总理的背景给了我很大鼓舞，因为他俩一个是学水利，一个是学地质的，居然能担当这么高的职位，我是学大气的，应该比他俩仕途更高。

你们可能要问我要是当选了有什么执政思想？改革开放三个代表还是和谐社会？你要知道，过去十年我每天都在想这个问题，我理解中国现在普通老百姓生活很疾苦，社会贫富差距很大，当选后，我的执政思想就是：Jeff(劫富)济贫。

如果当选，我不仅合法化地沟油，而且规定餐馆做菜必须用地沟油。你要知道吃地沟油不会发胖，所以最近的新闻报道吓到我了：有少部分的饭店用的不是地沟油!!!

我将通过升值人民币的方式降低房价，这样大家不必傍大款也能买得起房子了，比如海藻和刘芳菲。

除了生病自然死亡，这两年很多人离奇死于看守所，民怨很大，所以我当选后，将杜绝这种现象的产生，你还是会死，但我们不会对外宣布原因。

我有个简单快速的方法解决剩男剩女问题：发展他们成为网评员，每个人都是五毛，两个人就能凑成一块了。不客气~~

外交问题上，我觉得在人民大会堂会见各国领导人，大家围坐一圈，后面坐着翻译，这么商谈收效甚微，我当选的话，施行三国杀外交，对于盟国来的人，我就无限给牌，对于敌国来的人，我就挂上诸葛连弩无限激将。

感谢国家，感谢党，感谢中央电视台，新华社，给我这至高的荣誉在此演讲，大家吃好喝好。

My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.

开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.

因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。

I grew up in China. Who didn’t?

我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。

Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.

主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。

另外提到rice paddy，呼应后文自己在rice university读phd。

My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.

that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好，因为前面提到rice paddy，所以强调一下这个不是笑话，是真的。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身的矛盾是一个笑点。 

We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；间接表达了中国是美国的债权国，属于monologue常用技巧：政治时事热点就那么几条，关键是能够委婉间接的通过不同的段子说到这个点上。

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。

Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt.
In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.

这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”

这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。

We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.

美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。这里提到皮特和朱莉可以做两种解释:一是自传的文字都可以用来形容明星了，二是若将自传拍成电影的话得请他俩来出演才够格。

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)” ,my point exactly.

马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，na这个词y常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。

my point exactly，这正是我想说的，是用这个蹩脚的双关来解释共和党近一年来的表现：对奥巴马的几乎所有提案都持反对票，同时讽刺一下他们的动机：就是为了反对而反对。

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!

PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.

奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。take that Stephen Colbert相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!

讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.

当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.

Two negatives make a positive，负负得正，joe在其他节目里还说过下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。

网上很多人说这个who也指hu主席，我觉得没有这层意思，就是 我在乎V.S. 谁tm在乎呢

If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:”Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.

不断地调侃总统副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在《full house》里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.

如果当选，我将找到治疗自然死亡的方法，讽刺一下美国总统的大选的诸多空头承诺，很多不可能实现的。

pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。

I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.

无厘头的解决全球变暖方法。最后一句是08年美国的经典段子，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。

On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.

最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。

奥巴马夫人因为抗击肥胖而获的儿童选择奖，颁奖典礼由Kevin James（美国喜剧演员男星）主持，我擦，抗击肥胖的典礼由Kevin James主持，就好比反劈腿典礼由Jesse James（Bullock劈腿老公）来主持。

"President Obama was at a bookstore in Iowa yesterday and he bought a $37 pop-up book for Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ son. Gibbs said, ‘It’s a little expensive, sir’ and Obama said, ‘I can handle it.’ Then he called the president of China and said, ‘Can I borrow 37 bucks?’" –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马昨天在Iowa一个书店买了本37美元的立体书，送给自己新闻助理Gibbs的儿子，Gibbs说：有点贵啊，奥巴马说：没问题，看我的，于是打给胡主席：借我37美元？

"And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba." –Jay Leno

佛罗里达失业率达12.2%，你无法想象这已经糟糕到什么地步了，今天海岸警卫队抓住了50个准备从迈阿密游回古巴的古巴人。

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." –Jay Leno

上周末奥巴马突访阿富汗 ，我猜他在华盛顿待了14个月，迫切需要到一个安静平和点的地方。

"Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don’t know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods." –Jimmy Kimmel

周四是人口普查的截止日期，此次人口普查目的是能够调查到每个人，但如果你不知道你家里住了多少人，数一数ipods数量就行了。

"Well, according to ‘Newsweek,’ the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

根据新闻周刊，FBI宣布本拉登还很健康，还在指挥基地组织。今天，共和党人把这归罪于刚通过的医保方案。

My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.

开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.

因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。

I grew up in China. Who didn’t?

我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。

Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.

主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。

My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.

that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。 

We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。

Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt.
In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.

这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”

这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。

We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.

美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)”

马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，nay这个词常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!

PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.

奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。

I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!

讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。

After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.

当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.

Two negatives make a positive，还有下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。

If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:”Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.

不断地调侃总统和副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在full house里。

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.

pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。

I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.

最后一句是去年美国的经典，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。

On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.

最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。

医保方案通过了，Rush Limbaugh要离开美国了，这就是奥巴马所说的双赢。

"President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him." –Jay Leno

奥巴马昨晚说，这表明这是一个民选的政府，也是服务于人民的总统，除了那55%反对他的人民。

"See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you’re still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November." –Jay Leno

好处是，即使你失业了，也有医疗保险，到11月份的时候，就能看出来这对民主党有多重要了。

"What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I’ll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry’s was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody’s getting cocky now that there’s free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?" –Craig Ferguson

这是怎样的一天啊，伟大的一天，即使对美国来说。因为Ben&Jerry在发放免费冰激凌，星巴克在发放免费甜点，想吃就吃，要吃的欢乐，糖尿病？谁在乎，有免费医保了。

"Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke." –Jay Leno

今天，海地总统来到白宫见奥巴马，说我们的人们需要工作，需要住的地方，需要医疗保障，然后海地总统开始讲话。

"A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he’s doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

最新民调显示22%的民众非常满意奥巴马的工作，43%的民众非常不满意，剩下的35%没有表态，还在等奥巴马做点什么。

My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.

Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight. And I was padded down for guns. I don’t know how long the Supreme Court will continue to allow this.

I grew up in China. Who didn’t? Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood.
When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.

My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.

We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt.
In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”

We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)”

This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert!

Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.

I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!

2008 was the year of the presidential election. But I believe the apathy among non-voters is the real problem. I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell.

Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but also required! This will make appeal to young voters because when I was young I was really scared about marriage. I was like, “Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”

I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.

Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.

I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome!

I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.

On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.

开车笑话

• 当我第一次拿到驾照的时候，我决定死后捐献器官（美国驾照申请表格上有这个选项，自愿填写），我捐献大脑，因为这样很好玩：设想某个人从昏迷中醒来，第一句话就是：我怎么记不得我是谁了（这句是汉语）。
• 去年夏天我去一个娱乐场，玩过山车时他们照了我还怕时表情恐怖的照片，还想卖给我，结果我买下了了，用在了驾照上，所以我现在的驾照前面是一个受惊吓的头像，背后写的是：大脑捐献者。
• 我要是死于交通事故的话，我希望是跟运水泥的车相撞，这样死后立刻就有了一个我的雕像。这样就不用担心以后葬在哪里了，直接进博物馆。

杂

• 两年前，我回国的时候，我给每个亲朋好友都买了礼物，但是我只能买得起中国制造的东西，我侄子拿过买给他的鞋子，看了一眼说，这鞋子是我做的。
• 我老了以后，绝对不会美容，比如做拉皮，我将用我下垂的皮肤做点有创意的事，比如折纸，到时候我年龄虽然大了，但我的脸是一个天鹅。

竞选总统

• 我小时候特瘦，当我献血的时候，他们不得不挤压我。
• 我有俩理由竞选美国总统，第一，美国人口只有中国四分之一，所以我当选的概率是在中国的四倍；第二，中国没有大选。
• 我当选后将减税，这样有钱人将有更多的钱来为国家做贡献，穷人将借更多的钱，刺激信贷行业，也是为国家做贡献。
• 经过这么多年清洁剂流入大自然，世界并没有变得更干净，所以我的计划是继续使用清洁剂。

On Ellen Show

• 有天看电视看到很晚，电视上突然出现“突发事件广播系统”测试的字样，我就想，这要真是一个突发事件，结果我在睡觉可怎么办？所以我把它录了下来。
• 我90年代中期来到美国，当时看了很多电视节目，比如一个叫Jerry Springer Show（一般一个出现婚姻问题，孩子问题或者第三者等麻烦的家庭讲述他们的故事，然后专家或者观众提供建议解决矛盾），当时我刚来不了解情况，我以为上那个节目的人就是一般的正常美国人，后来我发现我是对的。
• 你们都担心金融危机，我不担心，因为小时候很穷，如果我变穷了，就会感觉变年轻了。

Ellen’s third TBS special（大部分同第一次上David Letterman）

• 在美国，俗语说得好，两个错误可以制造一个正确，类似，在这个国家，两个非法移民可以制造一个合法公民。
• Ellen最后小幽默：如果爱你是Wong（If loving you is Wong，谐音wrong），我愿意一错再错（I do not want to be right)

• 大家好，我是爱尔兰人。
• 蜜桃成熟时却没人摘
• 我不擅长体育，但是我喜欢平行趴车，因为跟体育不一样，你趴车技术越差，越多的人为你加油鼓劲。
• 我是个移民，我曾经买过一辆二手车，车身上有很多难以撕掉的粘纸，其中一个写的：如果你不会说英语，滚回家去吧。我两年后才知道是什么意思。
• 参加入籍考试要考美国历史，有道题问谁是富兰克林（美钞百元上的头像）？我：便利店被抢劫的原因？第二修正案是什么（公民有权持有枪支）？我：便利店被抢劫的原因？
• Roe VS Wade（美国历史上著名的关于堕胎的有争议的案例）是什么？我：两种来美国的方式？（谐音Row，划船；wade，涉水）
• 我现在有个幸福的家庭，但是我曾经恐惧婚姻，因为据统计50%的婚姻是要持续一生的。
• 去年我有了第一个儿子，当时在产房，我抱着他，心想你刚出生就是美国公民了，但你知道谁是富兰克林吗？
• 现在我在车上贴了个牌子：车内有婴儿。这个标语就是个恐怖威胁：我现在有个哭闹的孩子和唠叨的老婆，我已经不怕死了

第二次David Letterma(02/12/2010)

• 我曾经是世界上最年轻的婴儿。
• 有一天，我看到饭店的卫生间有个牌子写着：雇员回去工作前必须洗手。雇主呢？就不用洗手了吗？
• 这个牌子显然是个激励信号：如果你工作努力（成为老板），就不用洗手了。
• 我每次用卫生间都洗手，这样我的孩子以后就不必了。
• 我现在是父亲了，三年前我儿子是世界上最年轻的婴儿。
• 前两天我去日托接他回家，他跟我说：今天我哭了，我问他为什么，他说：我想爸爸了。我心想，太乖了，可是我差点忘了接你了。
• 后来我偷听到他跟他妈也这么说，我今天哭了因为想妈妈。
• 太伤心了，这些年我一直为了你而洗手啊。
• 当爹太难了，比如我教他，这个叫蓝莓（blueberry）因为它们是蓝色的，他问，那草莓呢?(strawberry的straw是一文不值的意思，但后一句用的是straw的吸管之意）。最后只能用来做冰果汁，用吸管喝。
• 我是个移民，有一次两个人敲我们问我信不信耶稣，我说不，他们说要是不信耶稣就得下地狱，我说中国有10几亿人不信耶稣都得下地狱吗？他们说不会，因为他们不知道耶稣是谁，但是现在你知道了。我说：那你们告诉我干什么啊？
• 我不太信教，但我觉得我最后能去天堂，也许是非法的，我将会是天堂里的非法地狱移民。
• 我经常收到电话推销的电话。有个周六早上，我接到了一个电话，让我换成他们公司的电话服务，我说你能听到我说话吗？他说能啊，我说，那就没有必要换了吧。