到哪里都是主场

"General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, ‘What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When’d they start that? Is that new?’" –Jay Leno

美国驻阿富汗的McChrystal将军因为发表对奥巴马和政府官员的贬损言论而遭到解职。副总统拜登听到这个事后被吓到了：什么？说一些愚蠢的话就会被解职？什么时候开始的？是不是新施行的？

"President Obama said today, although he admires McChrystal’s service and dedication to his country, he said, ‘You don’t criticize your bosses.’ Okay, that’s the same reason President Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese." –Jay Leno

奥巴马今天说，虽然他很感激McChrystal将军为美国做出的奉献，但是，‘不应该批评你的老板’，同样的原因，奥巴马从来没说过中国的坏话。

"The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will be shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it’s going to be boring when C-SPAN 2 passes on it." –Jimmy Fallon

最高大法官候选人Elena Kagan的就职听证会周一将在C-SPAN 3直播，连C-SPAN 2都并不愿意直播可见得有多无聊。

"They’re having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?" –David Letterman

Elena Kagan的听证会在华盛顿举行，她在听证会过程中很少发表意见，我心想，天啊—你们是怎么找到这样的女人的。
"Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to." –Jay Leno

墨西哥对亚利桑那最新的反非法移民法提出抗议，这是史无前例的，因为这是墨西哥第一次关注移民方面的法律。

"The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure." –Jimmy Kimmel

史上任期最长的西弗吉尼亚州国会议员Robert Byrd去世了，享年92岁，他也可能是1982年去世的，没人能确定。

"It’s not the G-20 anymore. It’s now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States." –David Letterman

这已经不是G-20峰会了，现在是G-19，因为加纳刚刚淘汰了美国。

"The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer." –David Letterman

俄罗斯间谍最近在伪装成美国人活动，实际上，为了装成美国人，他们这两周也装作喜欢足球。

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

BP公司的新闻简报的一篇文章说，墨西哥湾沿岸的居民对BP没有不满，因为BP负责清理石油的工人刺激了当地的经济增长，这就好比基地组织因为增加了美国机场保安的工作机会而邀功一样。

"There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com." –Craig Ferguson

议会在讨论一个新的法案：给予总统关闭互联网的权利。戈尔强力反对，不是因为他发明了互联网，而是因为他刚刚注册了世纪佳缘（戈尔刚刚离婚）。

"This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

这是国际空间站历史上第一次同时有两位女航天员，这意味着：无重力枕头大战。

"While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a ‘complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.’ Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在国会接受质询时，BP的CEO说漏油事件是由前所未有的各种失误造成的复杂事故，后来他意识到他正在念的是之前高盛一位高管留在台上的讲稿。

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

BP的CEO却还在游艇上度假，索马里海盗哪里去了？

"Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they’re just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?" –Jay Leno

看这条愚蠢的新闻，加州要破产了，他们想尽一切办法来增加收入，加州立法者，提议允许电子车牌，那样可以在车牌上放广告。请问那广告是给谁看的？一边开车一边发短信还有可能看其他的地方吗？

"Because of the success of ‘Toy Story 3,’ Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It’s BP presents ‘Try Finding Nemo Now.’" –Jay Leno

因为玩具总动员三的成功，Pixar开始筹备另一个大受欢迎的电影的续集，由BP制作：试试再寻找Nemo。

"In 2011, China will end America’s 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

到2011年，美国保持了110年的世界第一制造大国地位，将由中国代替。我有个好主意，我们应该制造那件世界一直需要的东西：中国制造标签。

"Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

拉里金昨晚为漏油事件筹款的特别节目募集到180万美元，一般情况下，想从拉里金手里拿到那么多钱，你得跟他离婚。

"You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge." –David Letterman

你知道谁是Rush Limbaugh婚礼的表演嘉宾？Elton John，不可思议，证明了那句老话：有钱能使鬼推磨。

"Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo’s central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great." –Jimmy Fallon

今天，奥巴马在密歇根的一个高中演讲，他对学生说：你们将会实现任何梦想，不过，如果能成为油田泄露施救专家，那最好不过了。

"Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet." –Jay Leno

看起来戈尔离婚的代价是相当大，现在戈尔只是谈论如何挽救半个地球了。

"A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama is willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it." –Jay Leno

很多人纳闷为什么奥巴马愿意坐下来和内贾德会谈，却不愿跟BP的CEO Tony Hayward会面，我觉得奥巴马是害怕了，内贾德只是宣称要毁灭地球，但Hayward已经动手了。

"The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf." –Jay Leno

世界杯第一场重头戏是美国对英格兰，输的一方将负责清理墨西哥湾。

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

好消息，在墨西哥湾，科学家用探针发现了海水的痕迹。

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’" –David Letterman

奥巴马又去了墨西哥湾，这已经是漏油事件以来的第四次，BP高层说：看，没影响旅游业吧。

"You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future." –Jimmy Fallon

华盛顿厨艺大赛今晚将在Bravo电视台首播，我喜欢看这节目，不过因为是在首都的比赛，所以参赛者不需要真做出来东西，只需要谈论一下将要做什么就可以了。

"Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obama administration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Of course, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn’t even know it was closed." –Jay Leno

交通部负责人表示奥巴马政府将很快开放墨美边境的货车通道，此消息震惊了墨西哥的货车司机，他们根本不知道通道关闭了。

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

昨晚白宫举行盛大国宴招待墨西哥总统卡尔德隆，卡尔德隆席间指出他跟奥巴马有很多共同点：执掌的国家都非常美丽，都是左撇子，各领导着四千万墨西哥人。

"And in welcoming Mexico’s president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, ‘We are not defined by our borders.’ The president of Mexico said, ‘What borders?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马在欢迎辞中说：两国的友谊不会被国界线所隔阂，卡尔德隆打断问：什么国界线？

"The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News." –Jay Leno

奥巴马政府公布了美国的核储备，美国现有5113个核弹头，1000个瞄准中国，1000个瞄准俄罗斯，剩下的都瞄着福克斯新闻台。

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottled water or nail clippers.’" –Jimmy Fallon

开罗警方扣留一名从纽约肯尼迪机场来的美国人，他携带了2把枪，250发子弹，很多剑，匕首和刀在行李里，肯尼迪国际机场的安检人员听说后：虽然他有那些东西，但他绝对不会携带水和指甲刀。

"And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she’s apparently very, very smart. Here’s how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs." –David Letterman

我们要有一位新的大法官了，她来自纽约，非常聪明–她能看懂纽约市的停车指示牌。

"According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, ‘They were going up anyway.’" –Jay Leno

据石油行业的高层人士透露，墨西哥湾原油泄露事件不会影响汽油价格—-无论如何都会涨的。

"During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在俄亥俄的一次演讲中，奥巴马对听众说经济形势一年前的时候要比现在差很多，人群里立刻有人提醒他说去年你就是总统了。

“This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They’re calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president.” –Jay Leno

墨西哥湾原油泄露事件情况越来越恶化，自从布什总统卸任以后，这是对新奥尔良最大的威胁。

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

不过也有好消息，原油价格每桶下降了12美元，是啊，要是能从海里舀出来的话，谁还花钱买呢。

“And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: ‘Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?’” –Jay Leno

从油井里露出的石油是最初预计的五倍，前总统布什听说后：等一下，你是说我们在墨西哥湾就有石油？

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

周一，BP承诺将竭尽全力承担所有清理费用，无论得把油价升到多高。

“This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.”  –David Letterman

石油泄露事件影响着每一个人，周末我去吃饭的时候点了海鲈鱼，他们问我是要常规的还是无铅的。

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

BP的灾后反应使得高盛的人看起来很有责任感。

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” –Jay Leno

科学家发明了一种以水为燃料的汽车，但前提是得用墨西哥湾的水。

“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” –Jay Leno

今天，BP的CEO说泄露事件对环境的影响会是非常小的。是啊，要是住在英国的话。

“It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the ‘Lost’ series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s definitely the worst leak of all time, right?’” –Jimmy Fallon

有传闻Lost大结局的剧本泄露了六页，BP高管听说后：这可是史上最大的泄露事件啊。