在最近一次采访中，比尔盖茨说Facebook的创始人扎克伯格已经订婚了。不过当被问到更多细节时，盖茨突然僵住了，必须得重启一次。

"During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, ‘Wait, there’s pizza?’" –Conan O’Brien

在共和党候选人电视辩论中，赫尔曼被问到是喜欢薄披萨还是厚披萨。金里奇打断问话：等一下，这儿有披萨？

"According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we’ll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression." –Jay Leno

根据最新的经济形势民调，48%的人认为这将是一个大萧条。其余52%的人认为这将是个一般的萧条。

Alabama just passed a tough immigration law that requires schools to find out if students are in the country illegally. Fortunately, schools know what to look for when identifying foreign students: high test scores. –Jimmy Fallon

阿拉巴马州通过了最严格的移民法律，要求学校找出非法滞留的学生。幸运的是，学校知道如何找出外国学生：考试得分高的那些人。

"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That’s the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." –Jay Leno

根据一份调查，只有12%的美国高中生能够通过一个基础的历史测试。这是自1922年建国以来的最低值。

Father’s Day is different in Beverly Hills. Kids have to buy presents for their biological father, their stepfather, and their surrogate father. –Jay Leno

在好莱坞父亲节与别的地方不一样。孩子们不仅要给亲生父亲买礼物，还要给继父，养父买礼物。

Gas prices have come down just in time for summer vacation. That’s how the gas companies get you. Once you’re 300 miles from home, they jack up the prices again. –Jay Leno

油价开始下降了，正好赶在暑假的时候。这就是石油公司的策略，当你从300英里外度假归来的时候，他们再提高油价。

"Officials still can’t say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That’s money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home." –Jay Leno

官方还是没有说明我们用于伊拉克重建的66亿美元化到了哪里。这些钱本来可以被我们自己浪费滥用的。

"Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that Al Qaeda’s new leader will be hunted down and killed just like bin Laden. They think he may be in Pakistan. They know that because Pakistan says they have no idea where he is." –Jay Leno

国防部长盖茨说基地的新头目也将像拉登那样被击毙。也许他在巴基斯坦，因为巴基斯坦说不知道他在哪。

"Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn." –Jimmy Fallon

今天本拉登的高级助理被任命为基地组织新头目。我知道这个消息是因为他在LinkedIn更改了状态。

议员安东尼维纳最近注册了一个治疗性功能障碍的诊疗所。注册？他早就在那里了，叫做国会。

People are bidding for a private lunch with Warren Buffett. So far, the bidding has reached $2 million. Buffett says the first financial tip he’ll give the winner is, “Try not to spend $2 million on lunch.” –Conan O’Brien

大家在竞拍与巴菲特共进午餐的机会，出价已经到了200万美元。巴菲特他将给出的第一条建议就是：不要在一顿午餐上花200万美元。

"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Mitt Romney: I’m Good For Your Brain.’" –Jimmy Fallon

一个新的研究显示，感觉无聊对大脑有益。这解释了罗姆尼的新竞选口号：我对你大脑有益。

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation?" –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

什么？议员因为性丑闻向克林顿道歉。为什么，侵犯版权吗？

"There’s a heat wave over half of the country. It got so hot in New York, a congressman took off his pants and tweeted a picture of himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

热浪席卷全美国。纽约温度如此之高，以至于一个议员脱掉了裤子，上传了自己一张裸照。

"President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, ‘Don’t mention it . . . to China, because it’s their money.’" –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马为希腊提供了救市基金。希腊人感谢奥巴马，奥巴马说，不要谢我，要谢中国，都是他们的钱。

"Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there." –Conan O’Brien

民主党和共和党都在呼吁议员维纳辞职。晚间脱口秀主持人们请求维纳留下。

"TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, ‘There’s a congressional gym?’" –Conan O’Brien

八卦网站公布了维纳在国会健身房的照片。金里奇听说后问：国会还有健身房？

"The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore." –Jay Leno

经济如此低迷，以至于臭虫都开始侵袭睡袋和帐篷了，因为它们已经住不起旅馆了。

How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week." –David Letterman

安东尼维纳的丑闻是本周最严重的议员丑闻。

佩林的支持者准备拍摄一部佩林的纪录片，叫做《不可战胜》。就好比施瓦辛格的纪录片叫做《忠诚》。

"President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, ‘What are you doing here?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马抵达法国参加G8峰会，G8峰会是世界上最强大经济体的会议。告诉你我们的经济已经差到什么地步了，当奥巴马到达会场的时候，其他国家问：你来干什么？

"Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?" –Jay Leno

佩林有可能竞选总统。你是不是有点怀念上个周末，那时你只是担心世界将要毁灭。

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson

今天在纽约市，佩林和特朗普会面。专家说如果他俩联合起来竞选总统的话将是给喜剧界最好的礼物。

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson

昨天佩林和特朗普在纽约会面。一起讨论了对他们来说最重要的事情：收视率。

"Mitt Romney has announced he’s running for president in 2012. At the same time, he’s announced he’ll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert

罗姆尼宣布参加2012大选。同时宣布2016将卷土重来。

"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, ‘Uh oh.’" –Jimmy Fallon

调查显示奥巴马已经丢掉了因为击毙本拉登后上升的民意支持。卡扎菲表示：完了。

"It was so nice in New York City that the whole staff was in Central Park writing Anthony Weiner jokes." –David Letterman

今天纽约天气如此之好，我们团队集体坐在中央公园写关于安东尼维纳的笑话。

"A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it,’ ‘Do I even need to campaign at this point?’" –Jimmy Fallon

一个新的民调显示，在共和党总统候选人中，一个原披萨店老总的排名跟佩林并列第二。奥巴马甚至在想：我还用竞选拉票吗？

The Oxford English Dictionary announced which new words will be included in the next edition. It’s like when they announce the line-up for “Dancing With the Stars,” but for people who can read. -Craig Ferguson

牛津英语字典宣布了将在下一版中增加的新词，有点像《与星共舞》宣布下一季的阵容，不过是给识字的人看的。

世界末日是本周六。如果是真的那可太不爽了，我们只比拉登多活了三个星期。

We’re about to plunge into depression and national mourning. There are only five episodes of “Oprah” left. –Jimmy Kimmel

我们即将陷入抑郁，整个国家都将消沉。奥普拉秀只剩最后5期了。

"That’s right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn’t necessary." –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马在访问爱尔兰，他在那本想买个四叶草以给自己的竞选带来好运。不过他想了想共和党的那几个候选人后，认为没必要买了。

"The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it’s not the end of the world!" –Conan O’Brien

错误预测了世界末日的牧师说这周末很难熬，让事情更糟糕的是，他的朋友们打电话劝他：没事儿，这又不是世界末日。

“The Voice” is a big hit on NBC. Yes, NBC has a hit show. That’s probably why that preacher thought the world was going to end. –Jay Leno

NBC的音乐选秀节目《声音》非常火爆。NBC居然有一个收视率高的节目。也许这就是那个牧师相信世界将要末日的原因吧。

According to Osama bin Laden’s journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people." –Jay Leno

据搜捕到的拉登日记显示，他本来想要袭击洛杉矶。不过后来改变了主意，因为他发现自己跟墨西哥人无冤无仇。

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman

预测世界末日的牧师现在宣称新的大灾难日式10月21日。如果下雨的话，就是10月22日。

"A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be ‘wasting your time on Facebook.’" –Conan O’Brien

Facebook上有一个新的应用可以告诉你一年前的今天你在干什么。十有八九答案是“正在Facebook上浪费时间”。

"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we’re up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon

朱利亚尼说有可能竞选总统。这样一来我们有七位候选人，35位前妻。

"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin’s political life. In case you’re interested in watching a movie that’s longer than Palin’s actual political life.’" –Jimmy Fallon

有人制作了一部关于佩林政治生涯的两小时纪录片。这比佩林的政治生涯还长。

特朗普不会竞选总统了。我在想这也许是另一个喜剧萧条期的开始。

"I’m disappointed that Trump isn’t running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him." –David Letterman

特朗普退选我很失望。我都准备好不选他了。

"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." –Conan O’Brien

施瓦辛格将有私生子的秘密保守了十年。这么看他也许是一个好演员。

Today is May 17th. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger calls it “Father’s Day”! –Jay Leno

今天是5月17日。或者按照施瓦辛格的叫法：父亲节。

"President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news — not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." –Jay Leno

奥巴马的支持率在拉登死后大幅增加，不过现在又下降了。这绝对不是一个好消息——不是对于奥巴马，是对于卡扎菲。

There’s a new blood test that can tell you how fast you’re aging. It cost $700. Or you can just look in the mirror. –Jay Leno

现在有一种新型的血液检测能告诉你衰老速度。费用是700美元。或者你也可以直接照镜子。

Scientists say they have found the "master switch" that controls obesity. It’s called the refrigerator light –Jay Leno

科学家发现有一个控制肥胖的“神奇开关”。叫做冰箱灯。

A police officer in San Francisco was busted for running a brothel. They became suspicious when he would only handcuff people that paid extra. –Craig Ferguson

旧金山一个警察因为开了家妓院而被开除。他被怀疑是因为他只对多付钱的人用手铐。

"Mitt Romney raised over $10 million in eight hours. The guy owns a gas station down the street from my house. It’s no big deal." -Jay Leno

罗姆尼在8小时内筹集了1000万美元竞选资金。这没什么大不了的，因为我家附近的加油站是他开的。

A new app lets you get items at 7-Eleven without cash or a credit card. The app is known as a gun. –Conan O’Brien

一个新的应用可以让你在7-11便利店买东西的时候不用现金，也不用信用卡。这个应用叫做手枪。

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O’Brien

特朗普说平时用海飞丝洗头。结果海飞丝起诉特朗普诽谤。

The number of millionaires in the U.S. is expected to double by the year 2020. Of course, by then, being a millionaire will just mean you have a full tank of gas. –Jimmy Fallon

到2020年美国的百万富翁将是现在的两倍。当然，到那个时候，作为一个百万富翁只意味着你有一满箱油。

"According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English." –Jay Leno

根据八卦网站报道，施瓦辛格愿意付出任何代价换回妻子。甚至学英语都行。

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!" –Jay Leno

你看到共和党的这些候选人了吗？唯一一个拥有少于三任妻子的是罗姆尼，还是摩门教徒。

"Isn’t it odd how history’s greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

历史上最坏的怪物都有艺术细胞：拉登是个作家，希特勒是个画家，贾斯汀比伯是个歌手。

"The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you … like MySpace or Friendster." –Jimmy Kimmel

塔利班开了twitter账号，如果关注了你的话，你最好跑到没人能找到的地方，比如Myspace。

A Dairy Queen in Canada broke a world record this week by creating a 10-ton ice cream dessert. Or as we call that in America, “a medium.” –Jimmy Fallon

加拿大的奶黄公司制作了一个十吨重的冰激凌，这破了世界纪录。在美国我们管那叫做：中号。

"In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马接受采访时说杀掉拉登并不能保证自己2012年连任总统。是的，是现在的那些共和党候选人保证的。

"The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese." –David Letterman

美国已经达到负债的最高值，你知道这意味着什么吗？我也不知道，但我觉得明智的话现在我们都应该去学汉语。

"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s bedroom. Must have been tricky. It’s hard enough to hide porn from one wife." –Craig Ferguson

海豹突击队在拉登卧室发现大量色情录像带。拉登肯定很不容易，有一个妻子的情况下隐藏都很难的。

In the wake of President Obama’s decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden’s body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone." –Seth Meyers

因为奥巴马决定不公开本拉登的死亡照片，几种阴谋论开始传播说实际上拉登并没有死。这意味着奥巴马将成为历史上第一位需要证明自己杀人的黑人。

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He’d been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up." –David Letterman

拉登生活在6年没有电话和网络的屋子里，他已经等了时代华纳公司的装线工6年了。

Eighty-five-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris have sent out the invitations for their June 18 wedding. That’s right, she told guests to wear white — but bring black, just in case. –Jimmy Fallon

85岁得花花公子创始人海夫纳和他25岁得未婚妻哈里斯已经寄出了6月份婚礼的邀请。邀请信上哈里斯告诉大家要穿白色，但是记着带上黑衣服，以防万一。

"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy Fallon

首都华盛顿计划为搬家至工作地点更近的居民发放12000美元的奖金。很多人已经搬了，今天3000名妓女搬到了国会对面。

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we’re going to pay for Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

本拉登的死显然使我们与基地组织的关系恶化了，基地组织宣称要让我们为拉登的死付出代价，我们已经付出代价了，葬礼我们都管了，他们应该说一声谢谢才对。

"They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world." –Craig Ferguson

两人已经结婚四分之一世纪了，在好莱坞，结婚25年相当于普通世界里结婚了200年。

"The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds can’t be terrorists — unless you’re sitting next to one on a flight." –Jay Leno

因为对一个两岁小孩进行安检，美国运输管理局广受批评。大家认为2岁的孩子不会是恐怖分子，除非在飞机上他坐你边上。

"Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." –Jay Leno

你们看到拉登的视频了嘛？他穿着随意，喝着可乐，不停地换着频道。我以为他恨美国式的生活呢，看来他一直过的就是美国生活。

"Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden’s wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show." –Jay Leno

巴基斯坦同意美国采访本拉登的妻子，只要美国不把这事变成一个真人秀。

"The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore." –Jay Leno

巴基斯坦内政部长说巴基斯坦没有什么可以隐藏的。是的，不再有了。

祝Jay Leno生日快乐，61年前的今天他出生了。61年前的前天他的下巴就出生。

A new poll found that Donald Trump is ahead of Mitt Romney as the most popular Republican presidential candidate for 2012. Trump called it “great news,” while Obama called it “great news.” –Jimmy Fallon

民调显示特朗普在共和党候选人中处于领先。特朗普认为这是个好消息，奥巴马也认为这是个好消息。

"NATO bombed Gadhafi’s compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear." –Jay Leno

北约轰炸了卡扎菲在的黎波里的住处，爆炸毁坏了无数老式地毯和窗帘，卡扎菲都没有东西可穿了。

Southwest Airlines closed a $1 billion deal yesterday to buy AirTran. Yeah, that’s a smart business move — eliminate the only airline that was keeping you from being the world’s worst airline. –Jimmy Fallon

西南航空公司出价10亿美元买下空中航空公司。这绝对是个聪明的收购-消灭让你成为世界最差航空公司的唯一阻碍。

A 90-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man recently became the oldest couple ever to get married. Yeah, it was really sweet. First the couple exchanged vows, then they exchanged teeth. –Jimmy Kimmel

最近一位90岁的女子和100岁男子结婚，成为世界上年龄最大的新婚夫妇。他们先是交换了誓言，然后交换了假牙。

"Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was ’38 of the most intense minutes.’ Which can only mean one thing: she’s never had to assemble a chair from Ikea." –Jimmy Fallon

希拉里说观看突袭本拉登的38分钟是人生最紧张的一段时间。这意味着：她没有组装过宜家的椅子。

"The White House says there’s no chance they’ll release the death photos. Unless Obama starts to slip in the polls." –Jay Leno

白宫表示绝不会公开本拉登死亡照片，除非奥巴马的支持率下降。

"The important thing for people to know is that I’m gonna be runnin’ for president every four years for the rest of my life. It’s my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

重要的是大家要知道我余生每四年都将竞选总统。这是我的奥林匹克，我准备赢一堆银牌。

"First I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world’s great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric." –Tina Fey, reprising her Sarah Palin impression on SNL

首先我要感谢，本周我们消灭了世界上最坏的人之一。再见了-Katie Couric

"The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida." –Jimmy Fallon

自从去年11月以来，失业率第一次上升。好消息是，听说基地组织的一个高管职位有空缺。

工业革命破坏了环境，不过现在已经没有那么严重了。我们现在集中破坏经济。

"St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers." –Jimmy Kimmel

圣路易斯国际机场遭龙卷风袭击。后来确认龙卷风的威胁已过，机场的主要威胁回到了爱睡觉的空管员手中。

"In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words ‘President Trump.’" –Craig Ferguson

最幸福国家排名中，丹麦瑞典和芬兰位居前三，美国排第12。想象一下如果以后特朗普成为美国总统的话我们的排名得降多少。

"Hey, who’s excited about the Royal Wedding? I’m conflicted. I can’t figure out whether I don’t care or whether I couldn’t care less. I think we’re all more excited about the royal divorce." –David Letterman

谁对皇家婚礼感兴趣？我很纠结，不知道我是不在乎还是太在乎了。我觉得我们对皇家离婚更感兴趣。

"A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno

民意调查显示奥巴马的支持率下降到了41%。很多当年投过他票的人说更喜欢奥巴马是民主党的时候。

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: ‘Even I’ve never heard of me.’" –Jay Leno

前新墨西哥州长加里约翰逊宣布参加2012年大选。他的竞选口号是：“连我自己都没听说过我自己”。

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives." –Jimmy Fallon

据报道特朗普20年没有在总统选举时投过票。简单地说，他在三任妻子期间都没投过票。

"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

好消息是，奥巴马出生在美国。坏消息是，特朗普也出生在美国。

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair." –Jimmy Fallon

特朗普说他得仔细的看看奥巴马的出生证明，以确定是真的。巧合的是，奥巴马也是这么说特朗普的头发的。

President Obama’s approval rating is so low, Kenyans are thrilled to find out he was actually born in Hawaii. –Jay Leno

奥巴马的支持率如此之低，以至于肯尼亚人民知道他出生在夏威夷后很高兴。

Seth Meyers 在白宫记者招待晚宴的演讲太棒了。不过我得说，这周末奥巴马酷毙了。

"Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’" –Conan O’Brien

特朗普说希望拉登死前受尽痛苦。看样子他的愿望实现了，因为情报人员说拉登死前在看《名人学徒》。

"President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump so shut up." –Jay Leno

奥巴马做到了别人做不到的事情，他让特朗普闭嘴了。

"Obama’s even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, ‘Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马都有点骄傲了。今天他在新闻发布会上说，我就是出生在肯尼亚，你们能把我怎么样？

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies." –Jimmy Fallon

Rush Limbaugh昨天说要不是因为布什的政策奥巴马永远不会抓到拉登。不过公平的说，如果不是因为布什的政策，奥巴马永远不会成为总统。

"This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL." –Jimmy Kimmel

这是作为海豹突击队员最荣耀的一周，也是在酒吧慌称自己是海豹突击队员最好的时候。

Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, “the ultimate waterboarding.” –Jay Leno

拉登被埋葬在大海里，或者按照切尼的叫法：终极水刑。

In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it.
–Jay Leno

白宫突然宣布将不会公布拉登遗体照片，得等特朗普要求他们公布了。

They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I’m surprised the guy didn’t shoot himself in the head. –Jay Leno

据报道拉登跟9个女人和23个孩子住在一起，我很惊讶他居然没有自杀。

Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It’s kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, “Well, I loosened it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

一些共和党高层说杀死拉登大部分的功劳应该属于布什。就好比有人拧开了一个罐头，你说，是我把它拧松的。

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马的新竞选口号是：Yes I did。

"Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden’s season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding." –David Letterman

精彩的周末，拉登死了大家都很高兴吧。不过至少他活着看到了英国皇室婚礼。

"The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O’Brien

拉登死亡的新闻打断了正在播出的《名人学徒》。所以现在的问题是，我们能不能下周日再杀死拉登一次。

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O’Brien

拉登死了，现在对美国最大的威胁是肯德基双层炸鸡汉堡。

"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That’s right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans’ chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马宣布拉登在巴基斯坦被击毙。拉登死了，就像共和党2012年大选的机会一样。

"Oddly enough, bin Laden’s last words were, ‘I hope you at least use this to interrupt ‘Celebrity Apprentice.” –Jimmy Fallon

拉登最后一句话是，希望我的死能打断《名人学徒》的播出。

“By the way, ‘buried at sea’  means ‘dumped in the ocean.’ Now I won’t feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."  –Jimmy Kimmel

拉登将被海葬，也就是说被扔到海里。以后我去海滩往海水里撒尿再也不内疚了。

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel

大家一直说拉登住在山洞里，实际上是在巴基斯坦的一栋百万豪宅。巴基斯坦有百万豪宅这事引起了中央情报局的注意。

Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’" –Craig Ferguson

左派媒体说奥巴马拯救了世界。右派媒体说奥巴马杀了一个穆斯林。

"Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why they’re so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

基地组织成员在网上扬言报复美国。我不理解他们为什么这么生气，每个人都将官升一级的。

为了庆祝金正日的生日，朝鲜举行了史上最大的魔术表演。当魔术师将兔子从帽子里变出来的时候场面失控了，那只兔子瞬间被两千八百万人吃掉了。

"Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马将参加在Facebook总部举办的市政会议。就像每一个美国人一样，奥巴马在应该工作的时候却在上Facebook。

"The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn’t get to sleep." –Conan O’Brien

美国联邦航空局吊销了一个在工作时看电影的空管人员的工作执照。这个家伙解释说之所以看电影是因为实在睡不着觉。

"President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马公布了2010年的税表。他这一年赚了170万美元，但是花了14万亿美元。

Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." –Jimmy Kimmel

唐纳普现在是共和党的热门总统候选人。如果他成为总统的话，我希望他能给座机戴上个假发，叫做“秀发一号”。

The people of Denmark are the happiest in the world. That confuses me because the only Dane I know is Hamlet and his whole monologue was about if he should kill himself. –Craig Ferguson

据调查丹麦人是世界上最幸福的。这就让我纳闷了，我唯一认识的丹麦人就是哈姆雷特，台词还是一直在说是否应该自杀。

Denmark is the happiest nation, and Sweden and Finland are No. 2 and No. 3. I call these countries the “axis of perky.” –Craig Ferguson

丹麦是世界上最幸福的国家，瑞典第二芬兰第三。我管这几个国家叫做“快乐轴心”。

Whole Foods, the organic grocery chain, is putting bars in some stores that will serve beer and wine. Their goal is to get you so drunk that you don’t notice the prices. –Jay Leno

美国的一家有机食品连锁超市，准备在店内开酒吧。目的是让人们喝醉，然后忘了店里的东西价格有多高。

A new study found that our happiness peaks in our late 80s. Mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then. -Jimmy Fallon

一项研究显示八十多岁是一个人最幸福的时候。主要是因为到那个时候让你心烦的人都死了。

"President Obama is in town, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A. Tomorrow he’s back on the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马今天在洛杉矶，洛杉矶大堵车。明天奥巴马回到东海岸，洛杉矶还将大堵车。

看来特朗普真有可能成为美国总统。如果你干我这行的话，你就知道这是世界上最美好的事情。

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.’" –David Letterman

特朗普的竞选口号是：复杂的世界需要复杂的头型。

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: “Vote for me, I’m not Trump.” Craig Ferguson

前明尼苏达州州长Tim Pawlenty宣布竞选共和党总统提名。他有一个足以胜出的口号：选我吧，我不是唐纳普。

The White House says that Donald Trump has “zero percent chance” of being elected president. Isn’t that a little high? –David Letterman

白宫说特朗普当选总统的机会是零。我还是觉得这个数有点高。

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, ‘That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.’" –Jay Leno

联邦贸易委员会宣布身份盗用连续11年成为消费者投诉最多的事件。所以奥巴马说：这就是为什么你绝不要把你的出生证明给别人看。

You can sit down and eat inside some grocery stores now. How fat are we getting in this country? We can’t even wait until we get home now. We’re just ripping into the bags in the aisle. –Jay Leno

现在某些商店提供座位，你可以在店内食用刚买的东西。我们到底要变得多胖了？都等不到回家再吃吗。

Scientists believe both dogs and cats evolved from the Middle East. So that’s why they never get along. –Jay Leno

科学家认为猫和狗都起源自中东。这就是为什么他们从来合不来。

The Navy tested a high power laser beam to help fight pirates. There’s nothing the pirates can do to defend themselves against this laser — unless they buy a mirror. Jimmy Kimmel

美国海军在测试一种高能激光武器以对付海盗。海盗对这种激光武器毫无办法，除非用镜子。

"The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.’" –Craig Ferguson

克林顿童年生活的家将被建成一个国家历史景点。这个主意非常好，不过我希望建这一个就行了。因为有太多的地方是“克林顿睡过的地方”。

Larry Flynt写了本关于美国总统性生活的书。精彩的部分是关于杰弗逊和加菲尔德的章节，以及关于克林顿的前125章。

Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn’t want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories. –Jay Leno

Glenn Beck宣布结束在福克斯新闻台的脱口秀节目。他不想结束的，只是已经用尽了所有阴谋论。

A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like. –Jay Leno

很多人在想政府关门是什么样子的。不过更多的人想知道政府正常工作是什么样子的。

The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working. –Jay Leno

最尴尬的事情是周末美国政府可能会关闭，但是卡扎菲的政府还将正常运行。

"The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before." –Jay Leno

好消息是，政府正常运行，没有关门。坏消息是，政府正常运行，没有关门。

I’m 64 years old today. Many of my jokes are older than I am. –David Letterman

我今天64岁了。不过我讲的很多笑话比我还老。

President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, “Oh, so you do know how to repay loans.” –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马透露就在几年前，他还在偿还学生贷款。作为回应中国表示：看来你知道如何还钱啊。

A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama’s performance. The other 81 percent don’t own gas stations. –Jay Leno

民意调查显示只有19%的美国人强烈肯定奥巴马的执政表现。其它81%的人都是不开加油站的人。

Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president. –Jay Leno

奥巴马最近接受采访时表示非常怀念默默无名的日子。如果你真想那样的话，你应该竞选副总统。

A 30-second ad during Oprah’s last show will cost $1 million. It’s weird because the only person that can afford to take out an ad on Oprah’s last show is Oprah. –Conan O’Brien

奥普拉最后一期节目30秒的广告要价100万美元。这事很奇怪，因为唯一付得起奥普拉节目广告费的人就是奥普拉。

据报道中央情报局特工已经进入了利比亚。还不知道他们会在利比亚待多长时间，不过有几个可是刚从越南离开的。

If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News. –Jay Leno

如果卡扎菲流亡的话，世界上只有三个地方可以容纳这个胡言乱语的疯子：委内瑞拉，沙特阿拉伯和福克斯新闻台。

New York City is laying off pest control workers due to budget problems. I know what you’re thinking: New York City has pest control workers? –David Letterman

纽约市因为财政危机开始解雇害虫控制机构的人员。我知道你在想什么：纽约市还有害虫控制人员？

It’s so cold in New York City, that the head of P.E.T.A. was wearing fur. –David Letterman

纽约市今天如此之冷，以至于善待动物组织的人都穿上了皮草衣服。

Baseball is America’s favorite pastime, second only to “Angry Birds.” -Craig Ferguson

棒球是美国最受欢迎的运动，仅次于“疯狂的小鸟”。

According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job. –Jay Leno

根据调查，55%的在校大学生支持奥巴马的工作。毕业的找工作的时候估计他们就会改变看法了。

President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate. –Jay Leno

奥巴马宣布参加2012年总统大选。他给富人减了税，拨款拯救了华尔街，还轰炸了利比亚，我都开始觉得他是共和党的候选人了。

President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, “I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.” –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马宣布参加2012年总统大选。不幸的是，他的支持率如此之低，所以他准备的竞选口号是：我是米歇尔奥巴马的丈夫。

It’s being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now? -Jimmy Kimmel

据报道Katie Couric将在2012大选前离开CBS电视台。那样的话，谁又胆敢向佩林问那些简单无比的问题呢？

To avoid identity theft, I keep my information somewhere that no one will find it: on the CBS website. -Craig Ferguson

为避免身份被盗，我把我的个人信息放在了没人能找到的地方：CBS官方网站。

President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn’t get in, Obama said “Holy cow, is it 2012 already?” –Jimmy Fallon

昨天奥巴马从南美访问回到白宫时被锁在外面进不去。奥巴马心想：难道2012已经到了。

According to a new report, 65 million Americans have a criminal record. So in the event of a continued lockout, NFL owners will have plenty of replacement players. –Jay Leno

据报道，六千五百万美国人有犯罪记录。所以要是有劳资纠纷的话，美国橄榄球联盟有太多的备选球员可以替代。

"The Pentagon says we’ll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire." –David Letterman

国防部说我们几周后就会撤出利比亚。我给你翻译一下：陷入十年。

About Libya, President Obama says we’re staying for a short time and then leaving. That’s what my relatives always say. –David Letterman

关于利比亚，奥巴马说我们只在那待很短的时间，很快就离开。我亲戚也总这么说。

Apparently, companies have been accepting job applications on Twitter. If you can fit your resume into 140 characters, you didn’t get the job. –Jimmy Fallon

现在很多公司在推特上接收工作简历。如果你的简历能用140个字母写出来的话，你肯定得不到这个工作。

The Bronx Zoo had to close its reptile house after a poisonous snake went missing. Apparently, the snake had been digging a tunnel for years and hiding it behind a poster of a sexy eel. –Jimmy Fallon

一条毒蛇从纽约布朗克斯动物园逃走。显然那条蛇是用了几年时间挖了一个通道逃脱的，并且用一个性感的鳗鱼海报作为掩饰。

Obama is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it’s OK. –Jay Leno

因为没有一个清晰的撤出利比亚计划，奥巴马被两党批评。其实卡扎菲也没有。

There’s a Chinese 3-year-old that weighs 132 pounds. The Chinese are beating us in fat kids now too. –Jimmy Kimmel

中国有一个三岁的孩子体重已达132磅。在肥胖儿童这个项目上中国都要超过我们了。

Charlie Sheen’s live show starts this weekend but there are a lot of unsold tickets. It turns out “Two and a Half Men” is the name of his TV show as well as the number of people that will be at his live show. –Jimmy Kimmel

查理辛的巡回现场秀本周末开始，还有很多票没有卖出去。看来“好汉两个半”不仅是他主演的剧集，还是他现场演出的到场观众数量。

According to Shop Smart magazine, the average American woman owns 17 pairs of shoes, none of which go with the new outfit she just bought. What are the odds? –Jay Leno

根据一份购物杂志，美国女人平均每人拥有17双鞋。没有一双跟刚买的衣服相配。

萨拉佩林参观了以色列的“哭墙”。尴尬的一刻发生了，她问道：这就是用来将墨西哥人挡在外面的吗？

President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America. –Jay Leno

总统奥巴马说美国不必担心日本的核辐射。不过他自己跑到南美了。

The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts. –Conan O’Brien

利比亚的动乱已造成1亿美元的经济损失。或者按照卡扎菲的算法：5个碧昂丝音乐会。

According to Newsweek, 73 percent of Americans can’t say why we fought the Cold War. This sounds bad until you consider that no one in the White House can tell us why we’re fighting the Libya war. –Jay Leno

根据新闻周刊，73%的美国人不知道为什么参加冷战。这听起来很令人沮丧，不过现在白宫里所有人都不知道我们为什么参加利比亚战争。

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." –Jay Leno

利比亚和日本的局势在不断恶化，世界范围内股市都在下跌。总统奥巴马终于做出了决定性的反应：他选择杜克，堪萨斯，俄亥俄州立和匹兹堡四所大学为美国大学篮球联赛最后的四强。

"We’re at war? Again? Don’t we already have two? Wars aren’t like kids, where you don’t have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it." –Jon Stewart

我们又开打了，不是已经有两场战争了吗？战争可不像孩子，老大老二可以照顾新生的弟弟。

“Gaddafi has turned on his own people. He’s become so unpopular that even his face is running away from him.” –Stephen Colbert

卡扎菲将枪口对着自己的人民。他如此的不受欢迎，以至于他的脸都要离开他了。

It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French. –Jay Leno

对于卡扎菲来说，羞辱一波接一波的来，先是自己的国民反对他，然后自己的官邸被炸，现在居然被法国人打。

We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize. –Jay Leno

现在我们同时打三场战争。想象一下奥巴马没有获得诺贝尔和平奖的话我们得打多少场。

Gas prices are going crazy. In fact, ABC has a new show called “Carpooling With the Stars.” –David Letterman

油价高的离谱。ABC电视台推出了新节目《与星拼车》。