到哪里都是主场

第二期原创，感兴趣的可加twitter @duowang，或者新浪微博 @美国脱口秀

个人主页到 哪里都是主场，每周精选最新美国晚间脱口秀Monologue

• 据报道，北京各大书店将有关郭德刚的图书和音像作品全部下架封存。唐骏表示：看，又一个被出版社印错学历的。
• 中石油大连分公司表彰油管爆炸抢险 领导带头受奖; BP的领导听说后：这不公平，明明是我们先漏的油，为什么还不给我们奖励。
• 第62届艾美颁奖典礼将于本月底举行，遗憾的是，北京电视台选送的《每日文娱播报》和周广甫并没有进入最佳综艺/音乐/喜剧节目和剧情类最佳男主角的最后提名名单。不过，北京电视台召开了“情况说明会”，单方面宣布已经入围。
• 相声界反三俗大会在京召。席间一青年相声演员问：为什么让李金斗当主席？姜昆：我们当年约定，不说相声年头最长的就当主席，这几年我上春晚说了几次;但是，告诉你个秘密，别告诉别人，要是比多少年没有观众真鼓掌，还是我的年头最长。
• 俄罗斯总统梅德韦杰夫近期表示：“削减官员数量，对于国家的发展非常有益。但指望官员们自己走人是不可能的。” 中国外逃高官在加拿大表示，怎么不可能，当初我们就是主动走人的。
• “维基解密”网站因为不断泄露机密文件，创始人阿桑奇成为美国政府的眼中钉，但却对其无可奈何。周广甫听说后，主动向奥巴马请战：告诉我他家地址。
• 这次俄罗斯大火媒体报道的非常详细，俄罗斯老百姓很满意;对此俄媒体尴尬的表示，其实我们用的是CCTV的信号，不知道为什么，他们好像把国内记者都派来了。
• 星空卫视《Lady呱呱》主持人文雅在节目中不断逼问嘉宾兽兽不雅视频的事情，翟凌一再忍耐并保持风度，不料文雅竟莫名其妙的哭了起来。这时出人意料的事情发生了，周广甫突然冲入录制现场质问翟凌：有话好好说，你怎么能打人呢。
• “俄罗斯总统梅德韦杰夫猛批该国管理部门负责人玩忽职守，在火灾情势最为严峻时刻仍耽于休假，乐不思蜀。” 我觉得这是你召唤的方式不对，试试这句：已经有记者在现场直播了。
• 此前殴打北京电视台记者的郭德纲弟子李鹤彪已于前日被释放，回到郭德纲的别墅; 邻居们送去了鲜花表示慰问，北京曲协送去了红包表示感谢。
• 《Lady呱呱》主持人温雅被指嫉妒兽兽，也想一脱成名，在其最新围脖里她把自己比作《皇帝的新衣》寓言里的小孩; 后来她上网一查才意识到，原来皇帝才是没穿衣服的。
• 为重振墨西哥湾经济，奥巴马最近喜欢用墨西哥湾的海鲜款待来宾; 相关消息：《胡锦涛9月访美或将推迟》
• 据称司马南公开向李一下战书：“到北京水族馆当众表演水下胎息，不用2小时20分钟，45分钟就足够。” 李一道长听说后面露难色：这个有点困难啊，我只憋过2小时20分钟，没憋过45分钟的。
• 刘谦提前两个月猜中8月13日九条新闻头版头条中的五条。大陆网友对此表示不屑：这有什么难的，我们能猜中一个半月后——10月1日全国所有报纸的头版头条。
• 国外网站上一篇关于黄光裕因内部交易和行贿被判14年的新闻引起美国网友热议，有人回复:“公司出现违规行为，在美国顶多CEO到国会被质询一下，而在中国是真的蹲监狱的”——”或者受到嘉奖”，一中石油大连分公司领导在回帖里补充。
• “日前，股神巴菲特表示将与比尔•盖茨9月底前往中国，与富豪们商谈捐赠的相关事宜。”听说此事后国内富豪大多选择沉默，只有唐骏表示愿意捐赠。比尔•盖茨私下表示：太让人失望了，我要不是威胁揭唐骏的老底，这次就没人响应了。
• 自从被《南方人物周刊》报道后，李一道长神话破灭。禹晋永也站出来指责他：交了好几万参加养生班，不仅不让我当兼职教授，连毕业证书都不给一张。
• 李敖之子李戡近期接受南都周刊采访发表对某人看法：“他连大学都考不上，连大学都没有念过，这种没念过什么书的人…” 禹晋永立刻跳出来辩解：西太平洋大学是洛杉矶领事馆认可的正规大学…
• 河南开封考生李盟盟的高考志愿申请被锁在县招生办的柜子里忘了提交，造成她任何大学都上不成。她爸爸在接受采访时说孩子上不了大学就没知识没技能，人生就没希望了。这时禹晋永跳出来用自己给了个反例。
• 据说李戡曾威胁采访她的记者陳婉容删除批评韩寒的话，事后却在自己博客上否认批评韩寒。针对这种行为，北大表示：看来他已经都学会了，没必要来报道，可以毕业了。
• 办案人员搜查辽宁省抚顺市政府女副秘书长江润黎家，看见了48块劳力士等名表，253个LV等名包，1246套高级名牌服饰，600多件金银珠宝首饰，和两吨大蒜。
• 温家宝前两天访问深圳迅雷公司的总部，并寄语：迅雷不及掩耳。迅雷高层这几天一直在讨论是否将公司名字改为掩耳。
• 朝鲜开通Facebook账号。闻讯后胡主席立刻电话金胖子：怎么连上的？快教教我。

"So Jeb Bush is running for president. I don’t know about the rest of the country, but thank God, ladies and gentlemen, the comedy recession is over!" —David Letterman

布什弟弟Jeb Bush要竞选总统了，我不知道别人怎么评论，但是谢天谢地，喜剧萧条期要结束了。

"Political experts and pundits and people who know the Bushes are saying that Jeb Bush is smarter than his brother. That’s damning with faint praise, isn’t it? Who the hell isn’t smarter than his brother, for God’s sake?" —David Letterman

熟悉布什家族的评论家表示Jeb Bush比他哥聪明，这是明褒实贬，谁不比他哥乔治布什聪明呢。

"Tony Hayward is stepping down as CEO of BP. They weren’t supposed to make the announcement yet, but of course, the news leaked." –Craig Ferguson

Tony Hayward辞去了BP的CEO职位，还没有正式宣布，消息“泄露”出来的。

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that Paul the Octopus is a symbol of decadence and decay in the western world. Which is exactly what Paul the Octopus predicted he would say." –Jimmy Fallon

伊朗总统内贾德说章鱼保罗是西方世界腐朽和落后的象征，这也是保罗预测他要说的话。

"Scientists are saying that a giant asteroid could strike the earth in 2182, and that it could decimate the planet and destroy most forms of life. A spokesman for BP said, ‘Been there, done that.’" –Craig Ferguson

科学家宣称2182年一颗小行星会撞击地球，摧毁地球上绝大部分生命。BP一位发言人表示：Just Did It。

“Whiny Tony Hayward — you know the cry-baby BP CEO guy — he says life’s not fair and that sometimes you step off a curb and you get hit by a bus. You know, if life was fair, that bus would have been driven by an unemployed Louisiana shrimp boat operator.” -Jay Leno

BP的CEO说：生活是不公平的，有时候你走下人行道或许就被一辆公交车撞了。我觉得生活要是公平的话，公交司机一定是路易斯安那州一个失业的捕虾船员。

"Yesterday was President Obama’s birthday. He turned 49 years old, if you believe the liberal media." –Jimmy Kimmel

昨天是奥巴马的生日，他49岁了，如果你相信左派媒体的话。

"The president is 49 years old, but it’s never a good sign when your age is higher than your political approval rating." –David Letterman

奥巴马已经49岁了，当你的年龄超过你的支持率，不是个好现象。

"Billionaire Republican and former eBay CEO Meg Whitman says she has spent more 99 million of her own money to get elected of governor of California. I think she thinks it’s like eBay, the office goes to the highest bidder." –Jay Leno

亿万富翁，共和党员，前eBay CEO梅格·惠特说她已经花了九千九百万美元竞选加州州长。她以为竞选是在eBay上买东西呢，出价最高的胜出。

"For the first time since April, oil has stopped gushing into the Gulf of Mexico. I’m not sure what engineers they used to fix it but I think we can rule out the guys who created the new iPhone 4." –Jay Leno

自四月份以来，墨西哥湾原油终于停止了泄露，不知道哪来的工程师完成的，但一定不是制造iphone4的工程师。

"Dick Cheney is recovering from heart surgery in the hospital. I understand Fox sent flowers, and MSNBC sent a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese." –Jay Leno

切尼从心脏手术恢复了，Fox台送去了鲜花，MSNBC台送的是额外多加起司的大号意大利香肠披萨。

"The big comic book convention, Comic-Con, starts tomorrow in San Diego. This is a week-long convention of comic books, science fiction, video games, and other forms of birth control." –Jimmy Fallon

大型漫画书展明天将在圣迭戈开幕，将持续一星期展览漫画书籍，科幻小说，视频游戏和其他一些计划生育的物品。

"Newspaper circulation has fallen to a new low and they say they are becoming obsolete. To give you an idea of how bad it is, today I saw a guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face." –Jay Leno

报纸的发行量创下历史新低，很多人认为报纸将被淘汰，我亲身体验到这个趋势了，今天公园里我看到一个人用iPad挡着脸在睡觉。

"Starbucks’ profits went up 37 percent in the third quarter of this year. They say they owe the increase to their new strategy of opening a Starbucks inside an existing Starbucks." –Jimmy Fallon

星巴克今年第三季度利润增长37%，主要归功于他们的新战略：在星巴克店里再开一家新的星巴克店。

"Facebook now has 500 million users. The previous record holder was heroin." –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook现在有5亿使用者，原纪录保持者是海洛因。

"Facebook now has more than 500 million users, which may help explain why unemployment is around 10 percent." –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook现在有5亿用户，这解释了为什么失业率在10%左右。

"Have you guys seen this show ‘White House Apprentice?’ It’s a lot like the other ‘Apprentice,’ but on this one, when the boss fires you, he offers you your job back a day later." –Jay Leno

你们看了白宫版“学徒”吗？跟别的“学徒”不一样，在白宫版里，老板解雇你后，第二天他会给你另一份工作。

"General McChrystal was relieved of his duties because of derogatory comments he made about President Obama and other White House staffers. In fact, when he heard that, Joe Biden was shocked and said, ‘What? You can get fired for saying something stupid? What? When’d they start that? Is that new?’" –Jay Leno

美国驻阿富汗的McChrystal将军因为发表对奥巴马和政府官员的贬损言论而遭到解职。副总统拜登听到这个事后被吓到了：什么？说一些愚蠢的话就会被解职？什么时候开始的？是不是新施行的？

"President Obama said today, although he admires McChrystal’s service and dedication to his country, he said, ‘You don’t criticize your bosses.’ Okay, that’s the same reason President Obama never says anything bad about the Chinese." –Jay Leno

奥巴马今天说，虽然他很感激McChrystal将军为美国做出的奉献，但是，‘不应该批评你的老板’，同样的原因，奥巴马从来没说过中国的坏话。

"The confirmation hearings for Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will be shown live Monday on C-SPAN 3. You know it’s going to be boring when C-SPAN 2 passes on it." –Jimmy Fallon

最高大法官候选人Elena Kagan的就职听证会周一将在C-SPAN 3直播，连C-SPAN 2都并不愿意直播可见得有多无聊。

"They’re having the confirmation hearings down in Washington, D.C., with Elena Kagan. And so far, the woman has offered very few opinions. I thought to myself, well, my God — how do you find a woman like that?" –David Letterman

Elena Kagan的听证会在华盛顿举行，她在听证会过程中很少发表意见，我心想，天啊—你们是怎么找到这样的女人的。
"Mexico has filed a brief against Arizona’s new immigration law. It’s a precedent because it’s the first immigration law Mexico has paid any attention to." –Jay Leno

墨西哥对亚利桑那最新的反非法移民法提出抗议，这是史无前例的，因为这是墨西哥第一次关注移民方面的法律。

"The longest-serving member of Congress, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia, died at the age of 92. He may have passed away in 1982, no one is really sure." –Jimmy Kimmel

史上任期最长的西弗吉尼亚州国会议员Robert Byrd去世了，享年92岁，他也可能是1982年去世的，没人能确定。

"It’s not the G-20 anymore. It’s now the G-19, because Ghana eliminated the United States." –David Letterman

这已经不是G-20峰会了，现在是G-19，因为加纳刚刚淘汰了美国。

"The Russian spies tried to blend in. They were acting like Americans. As a matter of fact, for two weeks, they were pretending they loved soccer." –David Letterman

俄罗斯间谍最近在伪装成美国人活动，实际上，为了装成美国人，他们这两周也装作喜欢足球。

"BP is running with this, I guess. Their company newsletter has an article that says most gulf residents aren’t upset with BP because their cleanup crews have boosted the local economy. BP taking credit for boosting the economy in the gulf is like al Qaeda taking credit for creating jobs in airport security." –Jimmy Kimmel

BP公司的新闻简报的一篇文章说，墨西哥湾沿岸的居民对BP没有不满，因为BP负责清理石油的工人刺激了当地的经济增长，这就好比基地组织因为增加了美国机场保安的工作机会而邀功一样。

"There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com." –Craig Ferguson

议会在讨论一个新的法案：给予总统关闭互联网的权利。戈尔强力反对，不是因为他发明了互联网，而是因为他刚刚注册了世纪佳缘（戈尔刚刚离婚）。

"This is the first time that two women have been on the International Space Station at the same time. That can only mean one thing: zero-gravity pillow fight." –Craig Ferguson

这是国际空间站历史上第一次同时有两位女航天员，这意味着：无重力枕头大战。

"While testifying before Congress yesterday, BP CEO Tony Hayward called the oil spill a ‘complex accident caused by an unprecedented combination of failures.’ Then he realized he was reading notes left on the stand by a Goldman Sachs executive." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在国会接受质询时，BP的CEO说漏油事件是由前所未有的各种失误造成的复杂事故，后来他意识到他正在念的是之前高盛一位高管留在台上的讲稿。

"Tony Hayward on a yacht. Where are the Somali pirates when you need them?" –Jay Leno

BP的CEO却还在游艇上度假，索马里海盗哪里去了？

"Oh, and how stupid is this. You know, this state is so broke, they’re just trying to make money any way they can. California lawmakers — this is real — are now considering a bill to allow electronic license plate frames on vehicles that will flash digital commercials. Who is this for? People who want something else to read while driving and texting?" –Jay Leno

看这条愚蠢的新闻，加州要破产了，他们想尽一切办法来增加收入，加州立法者，提议允许电子车牌，那样可以在车牌上放广告。请问那广告是给谁看的？一边开车一边发短信还有可能看其他的地方吗？

"Because of the success of ‘Toy Story 3,’ Pixar is now rushing ahead with its plans to do a sequel to one of its most popular movies, presented by BP. It’s BP presents ‘Try Finding Nemo Now.’" –Jay Leno

因为玩具总动员三的成功，Pixar开始筹备另一个大受欢迎的电影的续集，由BP制作：试试再寻找Nemo。

"In 2011, China will end America’s 110-year run as the No. 1 manufacturing country in the world. That gives me a great idea. We should start making the one thing we know the world will always need — made in China labels." –Jimmy Fallon

到2011年，美国保持了110年的世界第一制造大国地位，将由中国代替。我有个好主意，我们应该制造那件世界一直需要的东西：中国制造标签。

"Larry King’s oil spill telethon last night raised $1.8 million. Usually, to get that much money from Larry King, you have to divorce him." –Jimmy Fallon

拉里金昨晚为漏油事件筹款的特别节目募集到180万美元，一般情况下，想从拉里金手里拿到那么多钱，你得跟他离婚。