到哪里都是主场

In a new interview, Bill Gates said that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is engaged. But when pressed for more info, Gates just froze and had to be rebooted. –Jimmy Fallon

在最近一次采访中，比尔盖茨说Facebook的创始人扎克伯格已经订婚了。不过当被问到更多细节时，盖茨突然僵住了，必须得重启一次。

"During the GOP debate, Herman Cain was asked if he likes deep dish or thin crust pizza. Then Newt Gingrich interrupted and said, ‘Wait, there’s pizza?’" –Conan O’Brien

在共和党候选人电视辩论中，赫尔曼被问到是喜欢薄披萨还是厚披萨。金里奇打断问话：等一下，这儿有披萨？

"According to the latest survey on the economy, 48 percent of the people surveyed think we’ll have a great depression. The other 52 percent think it will just be a pretty good depression." –Jay Leno

根据最新的经济形势民调，48%的人认为这将是一个大萧条。其余52%的人认为这将是个一般的萧条。

Alabama just passed a tough immigration law that requires schools to find out if students are in the country illegally. Fortunately, schools know what to look for when identifying foreign students: high test scores. –Jimmy Fallon

阿拉巴马州通过了最严格的移民法律，要求学校找出非法滞留的学生。幸运的是，学校知道如何找出外国学生：考试得分高的那些人。

"According to a new report, only 12 percent of American high school students can pass a basic history test. That’s the lowest percentage since our country was founded in 1922." –Jay Leno

根据一份调查，只有12%的美国高中生能够通过一个基础的历史测试。这是自1922年建国以来的最低值。

Father’s Day is different in Beverly Hills. Kids have to buy presents for their biological father, their stepfather, and their surrogate father. –Jay Leno

在好莱坞父亲节与别的地方不一样。孩子们不仅要给亲生父亲买礼物，还要给继父，养父买礼物。

Gas prices have come down just in time for summer vacation. That’s how the gas companies get you. Once you’re 300 miles from home, they jack up the prices again. –Jay Leno

油价开始下降了，正好赶在暑假的时候。这就是石油公司的策略，当你从300英里外度假归来的时候，他们再提高油价。

"Officials still can’t say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That’s money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home." –Jay Leno

官方还是没有说明我们用于伊拉克重建的66亿美元化到了哪里。这些钱本来可以被我们自己浪费滥用的。

"Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that Al Qaeda’s new leader will be hunted down and killed just like bin Laden. They think he may be in Pakistan. They know that because Pakistan says they have no idea where he is." –Jay Leno

国防部长盖茨说基地的新头目也将像拉登那样被击毙。也许他在巴基斯坦，因为巴基斯坦说不知道他在哪。

"Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn." –Jimmy Fallon

今天本拉登的高级助理被任命为基地组织新头目。我知道这个消息是因为他在LinkedIn更改了状态。

"Congressman Anthony Weiner has just checked himself into a treatment centre for people battling chronic sexual dysfunction. Checked in? He’s already there, it’s called Congress." –Jay Leno

议员安东尼维纳最近注册了一个治疗性功能障碍的诊疗所。注册？他早就在那里了，叫做国会。

People are bidding for a private lunch with Warren Buffett. So far, the bidding has reached $2 million. Buffett says the first financial tip he’ll give the winner is, “Try not to spend $2 million on lunch.” –Conan O’Brien

大家在竞拍与巴菲特共进午餐的机会，出价已经到了200万美元。巴菲特他将给出的第一条建议就是：不要在一顿午餐上花200万美元。

"A new study found that being bored can be good for your brain. Which explains that new campaign slogan, ‘Mitt Romney: I’m Good For Your Brain.’" –Jimmy Fallon

一个新的研究显示，感觉无聊对大脑有益。这解释了罗姆尼的新竞选口号：我对你大脑有益。

"What?! The congressman had a sex scandal and had to apologize to Bill Clinton? For what?! Copyright infringement? A patent violation?" –Jon Stewart on Anthony Weiner calling to apologize to Bill Clinton, who officiated at his wedding

什么？议员因为性丑闻向克林顿道歉。为什么，侵犯版权吗？

"There’s a heat wave over half of the country. It got so hot in New York, a congressman took off his pants and tweeted a picture of himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

热浪席卷全美国。纽约温度如此之高，以至于一个议员脱掉了裤子，上传了自己一张裸照。

"President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, ‘Don’t mention it . . . to China, because it’s their money.’" –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马为希腊提供了救市基金。希腊人感谢奥巴马，奥巴马说，不要谢我，要谢中国，都是他们的钱。

"Democrats and Republicans are calling for Congressman Anthony Weiner to resign. Late night comedians are asking him to hang in there." –Conan O’Brien

民主党和共和党都在呼吁议员维纳辞职。晚间脱口秀主持人们请求维纳留下。

"TMZ published a photo of Anthony Weiner in the congressional gym. When he heard about it, Newt Gingrich said, ‘There’s a congressional gym?’" –Conan O’Brien

八卦网站公布了维纳在国会健身房的照片。金里奇听说后问：国会还有健身房？

"The economy is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can’t afford to stay in hotels anymore." –Jay Leno

经济如此低迷，以至于臭虫都开始侵袭睡袋和帐篷了，因为它们已经住不起旅馆了。

How about that Congressman Weiner? This is the worst congressional scandal all week." –David Letterman

安东尼维纳的丑闻是本周最严重的议员丑闻。

"One of Sarah Palin’s supporters is about to release a documentary about her called ‘The Undefeated.’ That’s like a documentary about Arnold Schwarzenegger called ‘The Faithful.’" –Jimmy Fallon

佩林的支持者准备拍摄一部佩林的纪录片，叫做《不可战胜》。就好比施瓦辛格的纪录片叫做《忠诚》。

"President Obama arrived in France for the G8 summit, a meeting of the world’s top economic powers. To give you an idea of how bad our economy is doing, when the president arrived, the other countries were like, ‘What are you doing here?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马抵达法国参加G8峰会，G8峰会是世界上最强大经济体的会议。告诉你我们的经济已经差到什么地步了，当奥巴马到达会场的时候，其他国家问：你来干什么？

"Sarah Palin may run for President. Doesn’t that thought make you nostalgic for last week when you only thought the world was going to end?" –Jay Leno

佩林有可能竞选总统。你是不是有点怀念上个周末，那时你只是担心世界将要毁灭。

"Today in New York City, Sarah Palin had a meeting with Donald Trump. Now, experts say if those two joined forces on a Presidential ticket it would be the greatest gift ever given to comedy." –Craig Ferguson

今天在纽约市，佩林和特朗普会面。专家说如果他俩联合起来竞选总统的话将是给喜剧界最好的礼物。

"Sarah Palin met with Donald Trump in New York yesterday. They spent the meeting talking about the thing most important to them: TV ratings." –Craig Ferguson

昨天佩林和特朗普在纽约会面。一起讨论了对他们来说最重要的事情：收视率。

"Mitt Romney has announced he’s running for president in 2012. At the same time, he’s announced he’ll try again in 2016." –Stephen Colbert

罗姆尼宣布参加2012大选。同时宣布2016将卷土重来。

"A new poll shows that President Obama is losing the popularity boost he got after Osama bin Laden’s death. Or as Gadhafi’s putting it, ‘Uh oh.’" –Jimmy Fallon

调查显示奥巴马已经丢掉了因为击毙本拉登后上升的民意支持。卡扎菲表示：完了。

"It was so nice in New York City that the whole staff was in Central Park writing Anthony Weiner jokes." –David Letterman

今天纽约天气如此之好，我们团队集体坐在中央公园写关于安东尼维纳的笑话。

"A new Republican presidential poll has Herman Cain, the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, tied for second with Sarah Palin. Or as Obama put it,’ ‘Do I even need to campaign at this point?’" –Jimmy Fallon

一个新的民调显示，在共和党总统候选人中，一个原披萨店老总的排名跟佩林并列第二。奥巴马甚至在想：我还用竞选拉票吗？

The Oxford English Dictionary announced which new words will be included in the next edition. It’s like when they announce the line-up for “Dancing With the Stars,” but for people who can read. -Craig Ferguson

牛津英语字典宣布了将在下一版中增加的新词，有点像《与星共舞》宣布下一季的阵容，不过是给识字的人看的。

"The world is ending on Saturday. It would really, really suck if we only get to live three weeks longer than bin laden." –Jimmy Kimmel

世界末日是本周六。如果是真的那可太不爽了，我们只比拉登多活了三个星期。

We’re about to plunge into depression and national mourning. There are only five episodes of “Oprah” left. –Jimmy Kimmel

我们即将陷入抑郁，整个国家都将消沉。奥普拉秀只剩最后5期了。

"That’s right, Obama was in Ireland. He thought about buying a four-leaf clover for good luck, and then he looked at the field of Republican candidates and decided it wasn’t necessary." –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马在访问爱尔兰，他在那本想买个四叶草以给自己的竞选带来好运。不过他想了想共和党的那几个候选人后，认为没必要买了。

"The pastor who incorrectly predicted the Rapture said it was a very tough weekend. To make it worse, his friends keep calling him saying, "Hey, it’s not the end of the world!" –Conan O’Brien

错误预测了世界末日的牧师说这周末很难熬，让事情更糟糕的是，他的朋友们打电话劝他：没事儿，这又不是世界末日。

“The Voice” is a big hit on NBC. Yes, NBC has a hit show. That’s probably why that preacher thought the world was going to end. –Jay Leno

NBC的音乐选秀节目《声音》非常火爆。NBC居然有一个收视率高的节目。也许这就是那个牧师相信世界将要末日的原因吧。

According to Osama bin Laden’s journals that were taken during the raid, he wanted to attack L.A. He changed his mind when he realized that he had nothing against the Mexican people." –Jay Leno

据搜捕到的拉登日记显示，他本来想要袭击洛杉矶。不过后来改变了主意，因为他发现自己跟墨西哥人无冤无仇。

"Harold Camping, who predicted the end of the world, says the new date for the apocalypse is October 21. If it rains, it will be October 22." –David Letterman

预测世界末日的牧师现在宣称新的大灾难日式10月21日。如果下雨的话，就是10月22日。

"A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be ‘wasting your time on Facebook.’" –Conan O’Brien

Facebook上有一个新的应用可以告诉你一年前的今天你在干什么。十有八九答案是“正在Facebook上浪费时间”。

"Rudy Giuliani says he may run for President. So now we’re up to 7 candidates and 35 ex-wives." –Jimmy Fallon

朱利亚尼说有可能竞选总统。这样一来我们有七位候选人，35位前妻。

"Someone made a two-hour documentary about Sarah Palin’s political life. In case you’re interested in watching a movie that’s longer than Palin’s actual political life.’" –Jimmy Fallon

有人制作了一部关于佩林政治生涯的两小时纪录片。这比佩林的政治生涯还长。

"Trump won’t run for president. I’m thinking this could be the beginning of another comedy recession." –David Letterman

特朗普不会竞选总统了。我在想这也许是另一个喜剧萧条期的开始。

"I’m disappointed that Trump isn’t running. I was really looking forward to not voting for him." –David Letterman

特朗普退选我很失望。我都准备好不选他了。

"Arnold kept the child secret for 10 years. So maybe he is a good actor after all." –Conan O’Brien

施瓦辛格将有私生子的秘密保守了十年。这么看他也许是一个好演员。

Today is May 17th. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger calls it “Father’s Day”! –Jay Leno

今天是5月17日。或者按照施瓦辛格的叫法：父亲节。

"President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, has slipped again. Which is really bad news — not for the president, for Moammar Gaddafi." –Jay Leno

奥巴马的支持率在拉登死后大幅增加，不过现在又下降了。这绝对不是一个好消息——不是对于奥巴马，是对于卡扎菲。

There’s a new blood test that can tell you how fast you’re aging. It cost $700. Or you can just look in the mirror. –Jay Leno

现在有一种新型的血液检测能告诉你衰老速度。费用是700美元。或者你也可以直接照镜子。

Scientists say they have found the "master switch" that controls obesity. It’s called the refrigerator light –Jay Leno

科学家发现有一个控制肥胖的“神奇开关”。叫做冰箱灯。

A police officer in San Francisco was busted for running a brothel. They became suspicious when he would only handcuff people that paid extra. –Craig Ferguson

旧金山一个警察因为开了家妓院而被开除。他被怀疑是因为他只对多付钱的人用手铐。

"Mitt Romney raised over $10 million in eight hours. The guy owns a gas station down the street from my house. It’s no big deal." -Jay Leno

罗姆尼在8小时内筹集了1000万美元竞选资金。这没什么大不了的，因为我家附近的加油站是他开的。

A new app lets you get items at 7-Eleven without cash or a credit card. The app is known as a gun. –Conan O’Brien

一个新的应用可以让你在7-11便利店买东西的时候不用现金，也不用信用卡。这个应用叫做手枪。