到哪里都是主场

It’s now being reported that CIA agents have entered Libya. We’re not sure how long they’ll be staying, but some of them just left Vietnam. –Jay Leno

据报道中央情报局特工已经进入了利比亚。还不知道他们会在利比亚待多长时间，不过有几个可是刚从越南离开的。

If Moammar Gadhafi goes into exile, there are only three places that would tolerate a raving madman like that: Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, and Fox News. –Jay Leno

如果卡扎菲流亡的话，世界上只有三个地方可以容纳这个胡言乱语的疯子：委内瑞拉，沙特阿拉伯和福克斯新闻台。

New York City is laying off pest control workers due to budget problems. I know what you’re thinking: New York City has pest control workers? –David Letterman

纽约市因为财政危机开始解雇害虫控制机构的人员。我知道你在想什么：纽约市还有害虫控制人员？

It’s so cold in New York City, that the head of P.E.T.A. was wearing fur. –David Letterman

纽约市今天如此之冷，以至于善待动物组织的人都穿上了皮草衣服。

Baseball is America’s favorite pastime, second only to “Angry Birds.” -Craig Ferguson

棒球是美国最受欢迎的运动，仅次于“疯狂的小鸟”。

According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job. –Jay Leno

根据调查，55%的在校大学生支持奥巴马的工作。毕业的找工作的时候估计他们就会改变看法了。

President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I already thought he was the Republican candidate. –Jay Leno

奥巴马宣布参加2012年总统大选。他给富人减了税，拨款拯救了华尔街，还轰炸了利比亚，我都开始觉得他是共和党的候选人了。

President Obama announced that he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low that he’s running on the slogan, “I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.” –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马宣布参加2012年总统大选。不幸的是，他的支持率如此之低，所以他准备的竞选口号是：我是米歇尔奥巴马的丈夫。

It’s being reported that Katie Couric will be leaving CBS before the presidential campaigns. Who will be brave enough to ask Sarah Palin questions that should be incredibly easy to answer now? -Jimmy Kimmel

据报道Katie Couric将在2012大选前离开CBS电视台。那样的话，谁又胆敢向佩林问那些简单无比的问题呢？

To avoid identity theft, I keep my information somewhere that no one will find it: on the CBS website. -Craig Ferguson

为避免身份被盗，我把我的个人信息放在了没人能找到的地方：CBS官方网站。

President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn’t get in, Obama said “Holy cow, is it 2012 already?” –Jimmy Fallon

昨天奥巴马从南美访问回到白宫时被锁在外面进不去。奥巴马心想：难道2012已经到了。

According to a new report, 65 million Americans have a criminal record. So in the event of a continued lockout, NFL owners will have plenty of replacement players. –Jay Leno

据报道，六千五百万美国人有犯罪记录。所以要是有劳资纠纷的话，美国橄榄球联盟有太多的备选球员可以替代。

"The Pentagon says we’ll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire." –David Letterman

国防部说我们几周后就会撤出利比亚。我给你翻译一下：陷入十年。

About Libya, President Obama says we’re staying for a short time and then leaving. That’s what my relatives always say. –David Letterman

关于利比亚，奥巴马说我们只在那待很短的时间，很快就离开。我亲戚也总这么说。

Apparently, companies have been accepting job applications on Twitter. If you can fit your resume into 140 characters, you didn’t get the job. –Jimmy Fallon

现在很多公司在推特上接收工作简历。如果你的简历能用140个字母写出来的话，你肯定得不到这个工作。

The Bronx Zoo had to close its reptile house after a poisonous snake went missing. Apparently, the snake had been digging a tunnel for years and hiding it behind a poster of a sexy eel. –Jimmy Fallon

一条毒蛇从纽约布朗克斯动物园逃走。显然那条蛇是用了几年时间挖了一个通道逃脱的，并且用一个性感的鳗鱼海报作为掩饰。

Obama is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it’s OK. –Jay Leno

因为没有一个清晰的撤出利比亚计划，奥巴马被两党批评。其实卡扎菲也没有。

There’s a Chinese 3-year-old that weighs 132 pounds. The Chinese are beating us in fat kids now too. –Jimmy Kimmel

中国有一个三岁的孩子体重已达132磅。在肥胖儿童这个项目上中国都要超过我们了。

Charlie Sheen’s live show starts this weekend but there are a lot of unsold tickets. It turns out “Two and a Half Men” is the name of his TV show as well as the number of people that will be at his live show. –Jimmy Kimmel

查理辛的巡回现场秀本周末开始，还有很多票没有卖出去。看来“好汉两个半”不仅是他主演的剧集，还是他现场演出的到场观众数量。

According to Shop Smart magazine, the average American woman owns 17 pairs of shoes, none of which go with the new outfit she just bought. What are the odds? –Jay Leno

根据一份购物杂志，美国女人平均每人拥有17双鞋。没有一双跟刚买的衣服相配。

Sarah Palin visited the Wailing Wall in Israel. There was an awkward moment when she asked, “So this keeps the Mexicans out?” –Conan O’Brien

萨拉佩林参观了以色列的“哭墙”。尴尬的一刻发生了，她问道：这就是用来将墨西哥人挡在外面的吗？

President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America. –Jay Leno

总统奥巴马说美国不必担心日本的核辐射。不过他自己跑到南美了。

The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts. –Conan O’Brien

利比亚的动乱已造成1亿美元的经济损失。或者按照卡扎菲的算法：5个碧昂丝音乐会。

According to Newsweek, 73 percent of Americans can’t say why we fought the Cold War. This sounds bad until you consider that no one in the White House can tell us why we’re fighting the Libya war. –Jay Leno

根据新闻周刊，73%的美国人不知道为什么参加冷战。这听起来很令人沮丧，不过现在白宫里所有人都不知道我们为什么参加利比亚战争。

"The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four." –Jay Leno

利比亚和日本的局势在不断恶化，世界范围内股市都在下跌。总统奥巴马终于做出了决定性的反应：他选择杜克，堪萨斯，俄亥俄州立和匹兹堡四所大学为美国大学篮球联赛最后的四强。

"We’re at war? Again? Don’t we already have two? Wars aren’t like kids, where you don’t have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it." –Jon Stewart

我们又开打了，不是已经有两场战争了吗？战争可不像孩子，老大老二可以照顾新生的弟弟。

“Gaddafi has turned on his own people. He’s become so unpopular that even his face is running away from him.” –Stephen Colbert

卡扎菲将枪口对着自己的人民。他如此的不受欢迎，以至于他的脸都要离开他了。

It’s one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he’s getting beaten up by the French. –Jay Leno

对于卡扎菲来说，羞辱一波接一波的来，先是自己的国民反对他，然后自己的官邸被炸，现在居然被法国人打。

We’re fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we’d be fighting if President Obama hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize. –Jay Leno

现在我们同时打三场战争。想象一下奥巴马没有获得诺贝尔和平奖的话我们得打多少场。

Gas prices are going crazy. In fact, ABC has a new show called “Carpooling With the Stars.” –David Letterman

油价高的离谱。ABC电视台推出了新节目《与星拼车》。

A lot of celebrities check into hotels under fake names. I always use a name that no one will recognize: Craig Ferguson. -Craig Ferguson

很多明星宾馆登记用假名字以防被认出来。我常用的是：Craig Fergurson。

The only difference between “American Idol” and karaoke is that on “Idol,” they don’t have the words in front of them and most of them aren’t drunk while they’re singing. -Jimmy Kimmel

《美国偶像》和卡拉OK的区别是，前者没有屏幕上的歌词提示，而且唱的时候没有喝醉。

A recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just look fatter because our flag has horizontal stripes. –Jimmy Fallon

最近的研究显示美国肥胖人口比例高于加拿大。我们看起来更胖也许是因为美国的国旗是横条的。

A new survey found that women spend eight years of their lives going shopping. Which means men spend eight years of their lives on a bench outside Anne Taylor at the mall. –Jimmy Fall

最新调查显示女人一生中要花费8年的时间购物。这意味着男人一生有8年的时间是坐在商场休息处。

According to Forbes, the richest man in the world is from Mexico. It turns out he’s Oprah’s gardener. –Conan O’Brien

根据福布斯杂志，世界上最富有的人来自墨西哥。那人是奥普拉的园丁。

Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an HBO movie. Moore said she knows absolutely nothing about politics, and the producers said, “Perfect.” –Craig Ferguson

朱利安摩尔将在一部电影中扮演萨拉佩林。摩尔说自己不懂政治，制片人表示那太好了。

"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

朱利安摩尔将在一部电影中扮演萨拉佩林。当年罗伯特德尼罗为了演一个拳击手曾经增重60磅，这次摩尔为了扮演佩林得降低125点智商值。

"They’re using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they’re going to try that here on Charlie Sheen." –Bill Maher

日本用高压水枪和直升机将海水浇到反应堆中，试图降低其温度。如果这招见效的话，将用在查理辛身上。

It’s estimated that more than 600,000 iPad 2s were sold this weekend. The lines were so long that by the time I got to the front they were selling the iPad 7.
-Jimmy Fallon

据估计本周末将售出60万个iPad2。苹果店前队伍如此之长，轮到我的时候，已经开始卖iPad 7了。

Can you imagine a year without professional football? It’s like living in Detroit. –David Letterman

你能想象一年没有职业橄榄球比赛吗？就像生活在底特律一样。

"Charlie’s two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

查理辛的两个儿子跟着母亲到了一个安全一点儿的地方：利比亚。

"This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: ‘You’re not going to believe what’s happening with Charlie Sheen down here.’" –Conan O’Brien

这是发现号航天飞机的最后一次旅行，今天总统奥巴马对太空中的宇航员说：你们肯定不相信查理辛出了什么事。

"Mexico’s president arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that American presidents won’t do." –Jay Leno

墨西哥总统今天访问华盛顿。他来干美国总统不愿意干的活。

"The Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: ‘Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you.’" –Jimmy Fallon

墨西哥总统访问美国，他希望更多的美国人到墨西哥旅游。他们针对美国人的旅游宣传口号是：你要是不来的话，我们就去你们的国家。

"Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, ‘We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?’" –Jay Leno

墨西哥总统卡尔德隆跟奥巴马说，美国需要努力减少毒品的需求。奥巴马说：我们已经让查理辛戒掉了可卡因，还不够嘛？

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

德州州长里克佩里宣称墨西哥的华瑞兹市是美洲最危险的城市。他也许以为那是一个美国城市，因为有很多墨西哥人住在那里。

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to ‘The Terminator.’ In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O’Brien

施瓦辛格将在《终结者》续集里出演一个角色。这次他时间旅行到过去，杀掉了建议他竞选加州州长的人。

This is our 1,500th show. To put that in perspective, it only takes 11 episodes to choose a winner on “American Idol.” –Jimmy Kimmel

这是我们第1500期节目。从次数的角度来看，《美国偶像》只需要11期就能选出一个冠军。

The iPad 2 was unveiled today, and it features two cameras. It’s great for people who love using their iPads in public, because now you can actually film everyone rolling their eyes at you –Jimmy Fallon

iPad二代发布了，有两个摄像头。对于喜欢在公共场合炫耀iPad的人来说再好不过了，可以拍摄下周围人羡慕的眼光。

Brigham Young University kicked one of its star basketball players off the team for violating a school rule that prohibits extramarital sex. On the bright side, I think he’ll do just fine in the NBA. –Conan O’Brien

杨百翰大学开除了校篮球队的一明星球员，因为他有婚外性行为。好消息是，他在NBA会大有前途。