到哪里都是主场

KFC changes their slogan every 50 years, just like their fryer oil. –David Letterman

肯德基每50年改一次宣传口号。就像它用来炸食物的油一样。

"The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a ‘don’t overthrow me’ package." –Jay Leno

沙特国王宣布发给国民370亿美元的福利。这不是经济刺激补贴，这是“不要推翻我”补贴。

"George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." –Conan O’Brien

乔治克鲁尼说他不适合从政，因为跟太多的女人有染。于是他被任命为意大利总理。

"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C." –Jimmy Fallon

国会多数派领袖哈利雷德说他想让卖淫在内华达州变成非法。他是想让卖淫只存在于其老家—首都华盛顿。

Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself. –Conan O’Brien

卡扎菲说一个理智的人是不会反对他的。于是他自己也加入反对卡扎菲的队伍。

Facebook has decided to ban a new app that sends you an e-mail when your crush becomes single. So you’ll just have to find out if they’re single the old-fashioned way: by clicking on their Facebook profile 30 or 40 times a day. –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook否决了一个应用，这个应用可以在你喜欢的人变成单身后向你发邮件提示。所以只能用老办法判断你钟意的人是否分手–每天点几十下他们的Facebook页面。

The price of gas is getting so high that a Beverly Hills gas station is selling it by the gram. –Jay Leno

油价如此之高，贝佛利山庄附近一个加油站已经开始按克售油了。

The price of gas here was up to $4.50. When I started pumping, it was only $3.85. –Jay Leno

油价现在已经四块五了。刚才我开始加的时候还是三块八毛五呢。

One of the Best Picture nominees this year is the movie “127 Hours.” It’s about last year’s Academy Awards show. -David Letterman

奥斯卡最佳影片提名包括《127小时》。这是关于去年奥斯卡颁奖典礼的一部片子

“True Grit” should have been in the Best Foreign Film category because I couldn’t understand a thing Jeff Bridges said..–Jimmy Kimmel

《大地惊雷》应该提名最佳外语片的，因为我根本没看懂。

Christian Bale won the Best Supporting Actor award for playing a mentally unstable drug addict. Then Charlie Sheen said, “You can get an Oscar for that?” –Jimmy Fallon

克里斯丁贝尔因为出演一个精神异常的吸毒成瘾者而成奥斯卡最佳男配角。查理辛：因为这可以得奥斯卡？

A company in Japan is holding the world’s first marathon for robots. My money is on the robot from Kenya winning. –Jimmy Fallon

日本一家企业将举办首届世界机器人马拉松比赛。我赌来自肯尼亚的机器人会赢。

"Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s." –Conan O’Brien

据报道德克萨斯州允许高校学生携带枪支上学。所以我猜下学期德州所有大学生考试都是A。

"I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need." –Jay Leno

美国总统节这天我过得像一个总统一样。我花别人的钱买了一些我不需要的东西。

"They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt." –David Letterman

据说林肯总统曾经步行三英里只为了还一分钱。这让他成为最后一个还债的美国总统。

"President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square." –Craig Ferguson

美国第27任总统塔夫特如此之胖，他当选前椭圆办公室还是方的。

"Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, "And it turns out those pills are just a scam." –Jimmy Fallon

最近克林顿透露他在任期间只发过两封电子邮件。接着他补充说：不过那些药片都是骗人的。

This is our 400th episode. Only 600 more and I get a free Subway sandwich. –Jimmy Kimmel

这是我主持的第400期节目。再主持600期就能拿到一个免费的赛百味三明治了。

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of ‘hallucination pills.’ In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." –Conan O’Brien

利比亚总统卡扎菲说反对他的人民都是因为吃了摇头丸。听说此事后，查理辛登上了飞往利比亚的飞机。

"CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment." –David Letterman

CBS电视台终结了查理辛主演的《好汉两个半》。现在我成了CBS第一高薪低能之人。

"People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O’Brien

观众们抱怨奥斯卡太无聊了。他们已经选出了明年的主持人：查理辛和卡扎菲。

Researchers at the University College of London report that indoor heating makes us fat. They say cold air helps us stay thin. Unless, of course, that blast of cold air you’re getting is from constantly opening the refrigerator door.  -Jay Leno

伦敦大学研究者称市内热空气能使人变胖，冷空气能使人保持苗条。当然，除非冷空气来自你不停地开冰箱。

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." –Jay Leno

Facebook出价100亿美元收购Twitter。如果成功的话，两个公司将合并，产生出有史以来最浪费时间的东西。

According to Glamour magazine, 12 percent of married adults met their spouses online. The other 88 percent met somebody else’s spouse online. –Jay Leno

根据《魅力》杂志，12%的已婚夫妇通过在线方式见另一半。其余88%通过在线方式见别人的另一半。

"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it’s being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O’Brien

总统节快乐。或者按照中东的叫法，“推翻你的总统”节快乐。

"Yemen’s president says that despite protests, he won’t leave office. His exact words were, ‘The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.’" –Conan O’Brien

也门总统表示虽然有抗议，但是不会辞职。他原话是：奥斯卡颁奖典礼是这周日，皇宫里我有一台宽屏大电视。。。

"They found a gorilla that walks upright. Soon after hearing this, I had 50 jokes that all ended with the same punch line: Arnold Schwarzenegger. –David Letterman

研究者发现了一个直立行走的大猩猩。听完这个消息我立刻想起50个以“施瓦辛格”结尾的笑话。

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as ‘Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.’" –Craig Ferguson

米歇尔说他丈夫奥巴马已经成功戒烟。福克斯新闻台将其报道为“奥巴马摧毁了烟草业”。

A new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are more likely to have better relationships. They say it inspires better communication — on the ride home, when you talk about how much you hated the other couple.- Jimmy Fallon

一项研究发现，已婚夫妇经常与另一对夫妇共同约会的往往会夫妻关系更和谐。因为有助于相互交流：结束共同约会的回家路上，你们会谈起有多讨厌另一对夫妇。

"Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on ‘Jeopardy.’ This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

电脑“华生”在智力问答节目中战胜人类选手。这是自施瓦辛格当选加州州长以来机器人取得的最大胜利。

"President Obama had dinner with some of the top tech executives: the CEO of Facebook, the CEO of Apple, the CEO of Oracle, and their waiter, the CEO of MySpace." –Jay Leno

奥巴马与一些顶尖互联网企业的老总共进晚餐，包括Facebook的CEO，苹果的CEO，甲骨文的CEO和他们的服务员—MySpace的CEO。

Two hundred million people did not watch the Super Bowl. Who are these people and why are we allowing them to coexist with us? –Jimmy Kimmel

2亿人没有收看超级碗。这些都是什么人，为什么可以跟我们生活在一起。

I wouldn’t want to live in the Middle Ages. No dentistry, no plumbing, no Larry King . . . actually, I think there was Larry King. –Craig Ferguson

我不想生活在中世纪。没有牙医，没有自动排水系统，没有拉里金。等一下，好像有拉里金。

Happy Valentine’s Day. Honestly, how many guys didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until I just said it? –Jay Leno

情人节快乐！说实话，多少人是我刚说这句才意识到今天是情人节的？

The first official Valentine’s Day was declared by King Henry VIII, who was married six times. He was the Larry King of his day. Actually, that’s not true. It was the 16th Century, so Larry King was there. –Craig Ferguson

历史上第一个情人节是由亨利八世宣布的，他结过六次婚。堪称那个时代的拉里金。不对，那是16世纪，拉里金还活着呢。（拉里金结过八次婚）

President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he’s ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, “OK, 2nd most painful choice.” –Craig Ferguson

奥巴马公布了新的财政计划，减少一万亿的开销，奥巴马说这是他做过的最痛苦的决定。然后他看了一眼副总统拜登说：好吧，第二痛苦的决定。

The bookstore chain Borders will reportedly file for bankruptcy sometime this week. Of course, this is really bad news for their most dedicated clientele: people who need to go to the bathroom. –Jimmy Fallon

据报道连锁书店Borders本周将提交破产保护。这对于他们忠实的顾客来说绝对是个坏消息—想用卫生间的人们。

"Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentines Day." –Conan O’Brien

纽约众议员Chris Lee因为在Craigslist上给一女子发送裸上身的照片而辞职。好消息是，他确实给了自己妻子一个情人节的惊喜。

Married Congressman Christopher Lee was looking for dates on Craigslist and describing himself as divorced. But in fairness, he’s about to be.-Jimmy Fallon

已婚议员Chris Lee在Craigslist找情人并说自己是已离婚。说实话，他确实快要离婚了。

"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno

秘鲁更改了国歌。改歌词并不难，只要让Christina Aguilera唱一遍就好了。（Christina Aguilera在超级碗开幕式上唱错了美国国歌）

"During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O’Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, ‘You first.’" –Jimmy Fallon

昨晚采访总统奥巴马时，Bill O’Reilly问道在那么多人不喜欢你的情况下你是如何做决策的。奥巴马回答：你先说说看。

"The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme." –Jay Leno

埃及的问题是政府官员太有钱，老百姓太穷了。就像他们的金字塔结构。

"Egypt’s President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, ‘Obama’s leaving?’" –Jay Leno

埃及总统穆巴拉克终于辞职了。当茶党听说一个穆斯林总统下台后问：奥巴马离职了？

"This whole revolution was started by a Facebook page. So Mubarak wasn’t so much as deposed as de-friended." –Bill Maher

埃及的整个抗议活动是从Facebook发起的。所以与其说穆巴拉克被废黜，不如说被大家“解除好友关系”。

"Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he’s really hard to evict." –Conan O’Brien

前埃及总统穆巴拉克想搬到洛杉矶。你要是考虑做他室友的话，你得知道他很难被赶走的。

"Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn’t understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland." –David Letterman

穆巴拉克不了解互联网和社交网站。但是他知道如何把800亿美元汇到瑞士。

Protests are spreading around to Yemen, Algeria, Iran, and also last night’s audience.-David Letterman

抗议行为蔓延到也门，阿尔及利亚，伊朗和昨晚的观众。（自嘲自己昨晚的节目很烂）

CNN’s Anderson Cooper was punched in the head in Egypt. We have to take Anderson’s word since it was on CNN, so no one saw it. –Jay Leno

CNN的Anderson Copper在埃及头部被袭击。我们只好听信他的话，因为那是CNN，没有人看的。

Hosni Mubarak is supposedly worth around $80 billion. He claims to have saved the money by properly inflating his tires." –David Letterman

穆巴拉克被曝拥有800亿美元。号称是通过给轮胎打足气省下的这么多钱。（常见的省油注意事项之一是轮胎气压要足）

"The Egyptian President is still refusing to leave. They’re calling him ‘The Leno of the Nile.’" –Craig Ferguson

埃及总统还是拒绝下台。被称为“尼罗河的Leno“。

President Mubarak may be the richest man in the world, with as much as $70 billion. That’s almost as much as Oprah’s half-sister.–Craig Ferguson

穆巴拉克也许是世界上最富有的人，拥有700亿美元。相当于奥普拉同母异父的妹妹。