到哪里都是主场

"You know who performed at the Rush Limbaugh wedding? Elton John. Isn’t that amazing. It proves that there’s absolutely no ideological gap that a million-dollar check can’t bridge." –David Letterman

你知道谁是Rush Limbaugh婚礼的表演嘉宾？Elton John，不可思议，证明了那句老话：有钱能使鬼推磨。

"Today, President Obama spoke at Kalamazoo’s central high school graduation ceremony in Michigan. He told the students they could be anything they want to be, but if they could be oil leak experts, that could be great." –Jimmy Fallon

今天，奥巴马在密歇根的一个高中演讲，他对学生说：你们将会实现任何梦想，不过，如果能成为油田泄露施救专家，那最好不过了。

"Looks like this Gore divorce could end up being pretty costly. In fact, Al Gore now talking about only trying to save half the planet." –Jay Leno

看起来戈尔离婚的代价是相当大，现在戈尔只是谈论如何挽救半个地球了。

"A lot of people are upset and wondering why President Obama is willing to sit down with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but not BP CEO Tony Hayward. I think Obama is afraid — Ahmadinejad only threatened to destroy the world and Hayward is actually doing it." –Jay Leno

很多人纳闷为什么奥巴马愿意坐下来和内贾德会谈，却不愿跟BP的CEO Tony Hayward会面，我觉得奥巴马是害怕了，内贾德只是宣称要毁灭地球，但Hayward已经动手了。

"The first big match of the World Cup is the U.S. vs. Britain. The loser has to clean up the Gulf." –Jay Leno

世界杯第一场重头戏是美国对英格兰，输的一方将负责清理墨西哥湾。

"There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater." –Bill Maher

好消息，在墨西哥湾，科学家用探针发现了海水的痕迹。

"President Obama is now in the Gulf of Mexico. This is his fourth visit since the spill. So the president has been down there four times. And the head of BP is saying, ‘Well see, it hasn’t affected tourism.’" –David Letterman

奥巴马又去了墨西哥湾，这已经是漏油事件以来的第四次，BP高层说：看，没影响旅游业吧。

"You guys, ‘Top Chef D.C.’ premieres tonight on Bravo. I love that show. But since it’s in D.C., the contestants don’t actually cook; they just talk about what they’re going to cook in the future." –Jimmy Fallon

华盛顿厨艺大赛今晚将在Bravo电视台首播，我喜欢看这节目，不过因为是在首都的比赛，所以参赛者不需要真做出来东西，只需要谈论一下将要做什么就可以了。

"Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said today the Obama administration will soon reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Of course, this came a huge shock to Mexican truck drivers. They didn’t even know it was closed." –Jay Leno

交通部负责人表示奥巴马政府将很快开放墨美边境的货车通道，此消息震惊了墨西哥的货车司机，他们根本不知道通道关闭了。

"There was a big state dinner at the White House last night in honor of Mexican President Felipe Calderón. The Mexican president pointed out that he and President Obama have a lot in common. He said they are both presidents of two beautiful countries, they’re both left-handed, and they both preside over 40 million Mexican people." –Jay Leno

昨晚白宫举行盛大国宴招待墨西哥总统卡尔德隆，卡尔德隆席间指出他跟奥巴马有很多共同点：执掌的国家都非常美丽，都是左撇子，各领导着四千万墨西哥人。

"And in welcoming Mexico’s president, Felipe Calderon, to the White House today, President Obama told him, ‘We are not defined by our borders.’ The president of Mexico said, ‘What borders?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马在欢迎辞中说：两国的友谊不会被国界线所隔阂，卡尔德隆打断问：什么国界线？

"The Obama administration has revealed the size of America’s nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads, approximately 1,000 of them aimed at China, 1,000 aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News." –Jay Leno

奥巴马政府公布了美国的核储备，美国现有5113个核弹头，1000个瞄准中国，1000个瞄准俄罗斯，剩下的都瞄着福克斯新闻台。

"Police in Cairo have detained an American man who arrived on a flight from JFK with two handguns, 250 bullets, swords, daggers and knives in his luggage. When they heard this, JFK screeners were like, ‘Sure he had all these things, but here’s what he didn’t have — bottled water or nail clippers.’" –Jimmy Fallon

开罗警方扣留一名从纽约肯尼迪机场来的美国人，他携带了2把枪，250发子弹，很多剑，匕首和刀在行李里，肯尼迪国际机场的安检人员听说后：虽然他有那些东西，但他绝对不会携带水和指甲刀。

"And it looks like we may be getting a new Supreme Court justice from New York City. Her name is Elena Kagan. And she’s apparently very, very smart. Here’s how smart she is: The woman actually understands New York City parking signs." –David Letterman

我们要有一位新的大法官了，她来自纽约，非常聪明–她能看懂纽约市的停车指示牌。

"According to the top people in the petroleum industry, the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico will not affect gas prices. They said, ‘They were going up anyway.’" –Jay Leno

据石油行业的高层人士透露，墨西哥湾原油泄露事件不会影响汽油价格—-无论如何都会涨的。

"During a speech in Ohio yesterday, President Obama reminded the crowd that the economy was much worse a year ago. Then the crowd reminded him that he was already president a year ago." –Jimmy Fallon

昨天在俄亥俄的一次演讲中，奥巴马对听众说经济形势一年前的时候要比现在差很多，人群里立刻有人提醒他说去年你就是总统了。

“This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They’re calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president.” –Jay Leno

墨西哥湾原油泄露事件情况越来越恶化，自从布什总统卸任以后，这是对新奥尔良最大的威胁。

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

不过也有好消息，原油价格每桶下降了12美元，是啊，要是能从海里舀出来的话，谁还花钱买呢。

“And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: ‘Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?’” –Jay Leno

从油井里露出的石油是最初预计的五倍，前总统布什听说后：等一下，你是说我们在墨西哥湾就有石油？

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

周一，BP承诺将竭尽全力承担所有清理费用，无论得把油价升到多高。

“This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.”  –David Letterman

石油泄露事件影响着每一个人，周末我去吃饭的时候点了海鲈鱼，他们问我是要常规的还是无铅的。

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

BP的灾后反应使得高盛的人看起来很有责任感。

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” –Jay Leno

科学家发明了一种以水为燃料的汽车，但前提是得用墨西哥湾的水。

“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” –Jay Leno

今天，BP的CEO说泄露事件对环境的影响会是非常小的。是啊，要是住在英国的话。

“It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the ‘Lost’ series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s definitely the worst leak of all time, right?’” –Jimmy Fallon

有传闻Lost大结局的剧本泄露了六页，BP高管听说后：这可是史上最大的泄露事件啊。

"So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That’s like the trifecta of lying." –Jay Leno          

今天高盛听证会，律师，议员和银行家同在一个屋里，撒谎界的三驾马车。

"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon

一名乘坐Delta航空从巴黎到亚特兰大的乘客宣称自己行李箱里有爆炸物，安保说这是联邦重罪，Delta航空说你得多付15块钱的携带炸弹费。

"Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China." –David Letterman

盖特纳展示了新版的百元钞票，就是想在把这些钱送到中国之前给我们看看。

"On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration." –David Letterman

1789年的今天，乔治华盛顿宣誓就职成为美国第一任总统，他也是唯一一个没有责备前任总统的总统。

"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman

伊朗独裁者内贾德今天在纽约市，所以，至少今天，市长布隆伯格不再是纽约市最矮的独裁者。

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

调查显示12%的父母通过不许孩子上社交网站的方式来惩罚他们，剩下的88%通过加入社交网站来惩罚孩子。

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama‘ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

德州的警察逮捕了一个犯人，此人用奥巴马的名字从35个ATM机器上投钱，被发现是一定的，因为奥巴马只会给银行钱，而不会从银行取钱（讽刺下奥巴马的对银行的bailout）

"Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he’d been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger." –Jay Leno

有人在时代广场企图引爆装在SUV车里的炸药，车是日产的探路者，大概犯罪分子认为要是用丰田车的话，那危险的就是他自己了。

"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

专家说炸药已经被安全清除，如果要是爆炸的话，给纽约造成的破坏堪比高盛。

"Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

警察突袭了他的家，据邻居说，嫌疑人告诉他们他是在华尔街工作的，发现实际上他只不过是个恐怖分子后，邻居们松了一口气。

"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I’ll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman

周末发生了很诡异的事情，一辆车停在了45街和broadway的路口，太诡异了，居然能在那儿找到停车位。

"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn’t in on it." –Jimmy Fallon

我们住到了时报广场恐怖袭击的犯罪嫌疑人，他交代整个事件都是一个人干的，确实是一个人，连炸药都没配合他。

"Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn’t the work of a stoner, I don’t know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

企图炸纽约时报广场未遂的那个犯罪嫌疑人脑子不怎么好使。首先，此人在淘宝上买了辆SUV，还用的是真实资料注册的账号，放入了一些烟花爆竹，然后又开了一辆车到纽约，作为逃跑用车，结果他把SUV开到时报广场离开后，发现逃跑用车的钥匙落在了SUV里，所以只能坐地铁回家，到家门口发现，自己房门钥匙也落在了SUV里，还是让房东开的门。这绝对是吸毒的人才能干出的事。

"We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within." –Jimmy Kimmel

我认为不应该抓他，应该放了他，让他加入塔利班，他能从内部瓦解塔利班。

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ … The Taliban said, ‘The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.’" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

一开始塔利班宣称对此次事件负责，后来犯罪嫌疑人浮出水面后，塔利班说：这跟我们没关，对美国搞破坏的话，我们会雇BP的（BP公司原油泄露在墨西哥湾）。