到哪里都是主场

"Seth Meyers did a great job at the White House Correspondents Dinner. But I gotta say, this weekend Barack Obama really killed." –Stephen Colbert

Seth Meyers 在白宫记者招待晚宴的演讲太棒了。不过我得说，这周末奥巴马酷毙了。

"Trump said that he hoped bin Laden suffered a lot. It looks like he got his wish, because the CIA said bin Laden spent his last hour watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’" –Conan O’Brien

特朗普说希望拉登死前受尽痛苦。看样子他的愿望实现了，因为情报人员说拉登死前在看《名人学徒》。

"President Obama has done something that no one else has been able to do. He got Donald Trump so shut up." –Jay Leno

奥巴马做到了别人做不到的事情，他让特朗普闭嘴了。

"Obama’s even getting a little cocky. Today he held a press conference and said, ‘Yeah, I was born in Kenya. What you gonna do about it?’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马都有点骄傲了。今天他在新闻发布会上说，我就是出生在肯尼亚，你们能把我怎么样？

"Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies." –Jimmy Fallon

Rush Limbaugh昨天说要不是因为布什的政策奥巴马永远不会抓到拉登。不过公平的说，如果不是因为布什的政策，奥巴马永远不会成为总统。

"This is the best time ever to be a Navy SEAL — or a guy in a bar claiming to be a Navy SEAL." –Jimmy Kimmel

这是作为海豹突击队员最荣耀的一周，也是在酒吧慌称自己是海豹突击队员最好的时候。

Bin Laden was buried at sea. Or as Dick Cheney calls it, “the ultimate waterboarding.” –Jay Leno

拉登被埋葬在大海里，或者按照切尼的叫法：终极水刑。

In a stunning flip-flop, the White House says it will not release the photo of bin Laden. Now we have to wait for Donald Trump to force them to release it.
–Jay Leno

白宫突然宣布将不会公布拉登遗体照片，得等特朗普要求他们公布了。

They say bin Laden lived in his compound with nine women and 23 children. I’m surprised the guy didn’t shoot himself in the head. –Jay Leno

据报道拉登跟9个女人和23个孩子住在一起，我很惊讶他居然没有自杀。

Some top Republicans are giving most of the credit for killing bin Laden to former President George W. Bush. It’s kind of like when someone opens a pickle jar and you say, “Well, I loosened it.” –Jimmy Kimmel

一些共和党高层说杀死拉登大部分的功劳应该属于布什。就好比有人拧开了一个罐头，你说，是我把它拧松的。

"It looks like President Obama has a new campaign slogan: ‘Yes I Did.’" –Jay Leno

奥巴马的新竞选口号是：Yes I did。

"Quite a weekend! Did you folks enjoy Osama bin Laden’s season finale? At least he lived long enough to see the Royal Wedding." –David Letterman

精彩的周末，拉登死了大家都很高兴吧。不过至少他活着看到了英国皇室婚礼。

"The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" –Conan O’Brien

拉登死亡的新闻打断了正在播出的《名人学徒》。所以现在的问题是，我们能不能下周日再杀死拉登一次。

"Osama bin Laden is dead, which means the No. 1 threat to America is now the KFC Double Down." –Conan O’Brien

拉登死了，现在对美国最大的威胁是肯德基双层炸鸡汉堡。

"President Obama announced that Osama bin Laden has been killed in Pakistan. That’s right, bin Laden is dead — just like the Republicans’ chances in 2012." –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马宣布拉登在巴基斯坦被击毙。拉登死了，就像共和党2012年大选的机会一样。

"Oddly enough, bin Laden’s last words were, ‘I hope you at least use this to interrupt ‘Celebrity Apprentice.” –Jimmy Fallon

拉登最后一句话是，希望我的死能打断《名人学徒》的播出。

“By the way, ‘buried at sea’  means ‘dumped in the ocean.’ Now I won’t feel so guilty about peeing in the water anymore when I go to the beach."  –Jimmy Kimmel

拉登将被海葬，也就是说被扔到海里。以后我去海滩往海水里撒尿再也不内疚了。

"After all the talk about caves, bin Laden was hiding in a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan. The CIA became suspicious when they learned there was a million-dollar mansion in Pakistan." –Jimmy Kimmel

大家一直说拉登住在山洞里，实际上是在巴基斯坦的一栋百万豪宅。巴基斯坦有百万豪宅这事引起了中央情报局的注意。

Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.’" –Craig Ferguson

左派媒体说奥巴马拯救了世界。右派媒体说奥巴马杀了一个穆斯林。

"Apparently, members of al-Qaida are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why they’re so upset. Everyone in al-Qaida just got a promotion." –Craig Ferguson

基地组织成员在网上扬言报复美国。我不理解他们为什么这么生气，每个人都将官升一级的。

"To celebrate Kim Jong Il’s birthday. North Korea held the biggest magic show ever. Things got out of control when the magician pulled a rabbit out of his hat and it was immediately eaten by 28 million people." –Conan O’Brien

为了庆祝金正日的生日，朝鲜举行了史上最大的魔术表演。当魔术师将兔子从帽子里变出来的时候场面失控了，那只兔子瞬间被两千八百万人吃掉了。

"Obama will participate in a town hall meeting hosted on Facebook. So just like everyone else in America, Obama will be on Facebook when he should be working." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马将参加在Facebook总部举办的市政会议。就像每一个美国人一样，奥巴马在应该工作的时候却在上Facebook。

"The FAA has suspended an air traffic controller for watching a movie while on the job. The guy explained that he just couldn’t get to sleep." –Conan O’Brien

美国联邦航空局吊销了一个在工作时看电影的空管人员的工作执照。这个家伙解释说之所以看电影是因为实在睡不着觉。

"President Obama released his 2010 tax return. It turns out that he made $1.7 million and spent $14 trillion." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马公布了2010年的税表。他这一年赚了170万美元，但是花了14万亿美元。

Donald Trump is apparently on top among Republican voters. If Trump does become president, I hope he puts a wig on his plane and calls it Hair Force One." –Jimmy Kimmel

唐纳普现在是共和党的热门总统候选人。如果他成为总统的话，我希望他能给座机戴上个假发，叫做“秀发一号”。

The people of Denmark are the happiest in the world. That confuses me because the only Dane I know is Hamlet and his whole monologue was about if he should kill himself. –Craig Ferguson

据调查丹麦人是世界上最幸福的。这就让我纳闷了，我唯一认识的丹麦人就是哈姆雷特，台词还是一直在说是否应该自杀。

Denmark is the happiest nation, and Sweden and Finland are No. 2 and No. 3. I call these countries the “axis of perky.” –Craig Ferguson

丹麦是世界上最幸福的国家，瑞典第二芬兰第三。我管这几个国家叫做“快乐轴心”。

Whole Foods, the organic grocery chain, is putting bars in some stores that will serve beer and wine. Their goal is to get you so drunk that you don’t notice the prices. –Jay Leno

美国的一家有机食品连锁超市，准备在店内开酒吧。目的是让人们喝醉，然后忘了店里的东西价格有多高。

A new study found that our happiness peaks in our late 80s. Mainly because all the people who annoyed you are dead by then. -Jimmy Fallon

一项研究显示八十多岁是一个人最幸福的时候。主要是因为到那个时候让你心烦的人都死了。

"President Obama is in town, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A. Tomorrow he’s back on the East Coast, and huge traffic delays are expected all over L.A." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马今天在洛杉矶，洛杉矶大堵车。明天奥巴马回到东海岸，洛杉矶还将大堵车。

It’s starting to look like Donald Trump may be a serious presidential candidate. If you’re in my line of work, Trump running for president for real is the greatest thing that has ever happened. –Conan O’Brien

看来特朗普真有可能成为美国总统。如果你干我这行的话，你就知道这是世界上最美好的事情。

"Donald Trump has a great campaign slogan: ‘A complex world demands complex hair.’" –David Letterman

特朗普的竞选口号是：复杂的世界需要复杂的头型。

Former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty announced that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. He has a slogan to win over the Republicans: “Vote for me, I’m not Trump.” Craig Ferguson

前明尼苏达州州长Tim Pawlenty宣布竞选共和党总统提名。他有一个足以胜出的口号：选我吧，我不是唐纳普。

The White House says that Donald Trump has “zero percent chance” of being elected president. Isn’t that a little high? –David Letterman

白宫说特朗普当选总统的机会是零。我还是觉得这个数有点高。

"The Federal Trade Commission says for the 11th year in a row the biggest consumer complaint is identity theft, which led President Obama to say, ‘That’s why you should never show ANYONE your birth certificate.’" –Jay Leno

联邦贸易委员会宣布身份盗用连续11年成为消费者投诉最多的事件。所以奥巴马说：这就是为什么你绝不要把你的出生证明给别人看。

You can sit down and eat inside some grocery stores now. How fat are we getting in this country? We can’t even wait until we get home now. We’re just ripping into the bags in the aisle. –Jay Leno

现在某些商店提供座位，你可以在店内食用刚买的东西。我们到底要变得多胖了？都等不到回家再吃吗。

Scientists believe both dogs and cats evolved from the Middle East. So that’s why they never get along. –Jay Leno

科学家认为猫和狗都起源自中东。这就是为什么他们从来合不来。

The Navy tested a high power laser beam to help fight pirates. There’s nothing the pirates can do to defend themselves against this laser — unless they buy a mirror. Jimmy Kimmel

美国海军在测试一种高能激光武器以对付海盗。海盗对这种激光武器毫无办法，除非用镜子。

"The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It’s great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say ‘Bill Clinton Slept Here.’" –Craig Ferguson

克林顿童年生活的家将被建成一个国家历史景点。这个主意非常好，不过我希望建这一个就行了。因为有太多的地方是“克林顿睡过的地方”。

"’Hustler’ publisher Larry Flynt has written a book about the sex lives of American Presidents. The highlights are the chapter on Jefferson, the chapter on Garfield and the first 125 chapters on Clinton." –Conan O’Brien

Larry Flynt写了本关于美国总统性生活的书。精彩的部分是关于杰弗逊和加菲尔德的章节，以及关于克林顿的前125章。

Glenn Beck announced that he is ending his daily show on Fox News. He didn’t want to end it. He just ran out of conspiracy theories. –Jay Leno

Glenn Beck宣布结束在福克斯新闻台的脱口秀节目。他不想结束的，只是已经用尽了所有阴谋论。

A lot of people wonder what a government shutdown would be like. I think a lot more people wonder what a government running properly would be like. –Jay Leno

很多人在想政府关门是什么样子的。不过更多的人想知道政府正常工作是什么样子的。

The most embarrassing part is that by the weekend, our government could be shut down, but Moammar Gadhafi’s government could still be working. –Jay Leno

最尴尬的事情是周末美国政府可能会关闭，但是卡扎菲的政府还将正常运行。

"The good news is, the government is up and running, the same as before. The bad news is, the government is up and running, the same as before." –Jay Leno

好消息是，政府正常运行，没有关门。坏消息是，政府正常运行，没有关门。

I’m 64 years old today. Many of my jokes are older than I am. –David Letterman

我今天64岁了。不过我讲的很多笑话比我还老。

President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, “Oh, so you do know how to repay loans.” –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马透露就在几年前，他还在偿还学生贷款。作为回应中国表示：看来你知道如何还钱啊。

A new poll shows that only 19 percent of Americans strongly approve of President Obama’s performance. The other 81 percent don’t own gas stations. –Jay Leno

民意调查显示只有19%的美国人强烈肯定奥巴马的执政表现。其它81%的人都是不开加油站的人。

Obama said in an interview that he really misses being anonymous. If he wanted to remain anonymous he should have run for vice president. –Jay Leno

奥巴马最近接受采访时表示非常怀念默默无名的日子。如果你真想那样的话，你应该竞选副总统。

A 30-second ad during Oprah’s last show will cost $1 million. It’s weird because the only person that can afford to take out an ad on Oprah’s last show is Oprah. –Conan O’Brien

奥普拉最后一期节目30秒的广告要价100万美元。这事很奇怪，因为唯一付得起奥普拉节目广告费的人就是奥普拉。