到哪里都是主场

Amy Poehler退出snl，临别讲话都是恶搞的方式 

 

 

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http://rambodoc.wordpress.com/2008/12/15/weakly-humerus-news-12-13-08/

I’m trying to figure out what to buy my dad for Christmas. It’s between a subscription to Sports Illustrated or an Illinois Senate Seat. (Tim Hunter)

我在想该给爸爸买个什么圣诞礼物呢，是体育画报还是伊利诺伊州州长职位呢？

“Speaking of Senate seats, this morning, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was arrested by the FBI because he was trying to sell the Senate seat being vacated by Barack Obama. Blagojevich says he’s sorry he tried to sell the seat and extremely sorry he did it on Craigslist. (Conan O’Brien)

People close to the case talked about Blagojevich. They said that he was willing to do anything for money. That’s why he was going to sell the Senate seat. See, that is so wrong. You know, in this country — let me tell you something. If you want money, you do what everybody else does, okay? You go to Congress and you demand a bailout. That’s what we do. (Jay Leno)

A new low in dumb! Governor Blagojevich, you knew you were under investigation and you used your own phone. (Stephen Colbert)

You know what sign Blagojevich was born under? “For sale.” I believe that was the sign. (Jay Leno)

The bad news for Governor Blagojevich is that there’s no chance President Bush will pardon him because Bush can’t even pronounce his name. (Jay Leno)

The economy is so rough that Ill. Gov. Rod Blagojevich had to accept an I.O.U. bribe. (Alex Kaseberg)

How many people in our studio audience got your seats tonight because you paid off Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich? (Jay Leno)

Ill. Dem. Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested for selling Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder. Suddenly Elliot Spitzer hiring a couple of whores doesn’t sound so bad. (Alex Kaseberg)

Yesterday President-elect Barack Obama called on Illinois Governor Blagojevich to resign. And after hearing this, Blagojevich said, “If he wants to call and talk to me, it’s $4.99 a minute. (Conan O’Brien)

Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has been arrested on corruption charges. He will become a very proactive state executive. He will not only fix the roads, but also clean up the side of them. (Alan Ray)

President-elect Barack Obama, today, called for Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to resign. Blagojevich said, “I’ll do that if the price is right.” (Conan O’Brien)

Earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most boring speaker of our lifetime, and the guy who speaks non-stop for our entire lifetime all together in one room. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama said that he will not smoke cigarettes while he’s in the Oval Office. He’s kind of a closet smoker. So, he said he wouldn’t smoke. And President Bush actually defended him today. President Bush said he smokes a cigar on rare occasions. He says it helps him think. Apparently it’s a very rare occasion. (Jay Leno)

Barack Obama left liberals empty-handed Tuesday by appointing moderate conservatives to head both Defense and State and then putting a free trader at Commerce. He faked to the left and now he’s going to the right. He studied in Chicago under Walter Payton. (Argus Hamilton)

PRESIDENT BUSH

What’s the difference between Jay Leno and President Bush? Leno has a job next year (Alex Kaseberg)

THE ECONOMY

We’re not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40 percent. (Jay Leno)

The unemployment rate has risen to 6.7 percent in November. It made President Bush really happy until he learned it wasn’t his approval rating. (Pedro Bartes)

A government auditor says there has not been enough oversight for the financial bailout. Of course, if there was any government oversight we wouldn’t need the bailout in the first place. (Jim Barach)

Metal prices have fallen farther than they did during the Depression. The metals most losing their value are nickles, dimes and quarters. (Jim Barach)

THE CONGRESS

Republicans in the Senate are threatening to block the Detroit bailout bill, not so much because they’re opposed to the loan, but because they need to do something to remind the country that Republicans still exist. (Jake Novak)

Hey, bad news for Senator Larry Craig. You know, America’s favorite restroom enthusiast? You know Larry Craig. The court has refused his request to change his guilty plea. Remember, he was charged with soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men’s room. He wanted the plea changed from “guilty” to just “jiggling the wrong handle. (Jay Leno)

LOCAL NEWS

D.C.’s Department of Consumer and Regulatory Affairs officials say there will be a lottery for street vendors to work around the National mall on Inauguration day. The winners will get to sell Obama memorabilia; the losers, Bush memorabilia. (Pedro Bartes)

ENTERTAINMENT

Golden Globe nominations out today, and Sarah Palin was nominated for one. Her category is Outstanding Comedy Performance in a Presidential Campaign. (David Letterman)

THE MEDIA & THE INTERNET

For the first time after four press conferences, Obama took a question from a black Fox correspondent. It was high time… Fox got a black correspondent. (Pedro Bartes)

In a move that some industry insiders called a game-changer, NBC announced today that it would cancel all of its primetime programs and air a static image of its peacock logo every night between 8 and 10. Some critics questioned whether viewers would tune in to watch a motionless rendering of a bird for two hours every night, but NBC boss Jeff Zucker called it “a perfect lead-in for Leno.” (Andy Borowitz)

A study of 30,000 high school students says that U.S. teens lie, cheat and steal at an alarming rate. At least we know where our next generation of bankers, CEOs and politicians is coming from. (Jim Barach)

Michigan’s Department of Education banned schools from giving students an F in any subject Friday. It’s for the good of the kids. When they are grown up and running the auto companies they’ll have the experience necessary to ask for a bailout. (Argus Hamilton)

According to a new book by a Canadian business professor, procrastination is becoming more and more of a problem in the world. The author promises a solution in his next book . .. which he’ll start writing as soon as he finds some time. (Pedro Bartes)

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/bleconomyjokes.htm?r=9F

"President Bush and his lovely wife Laura have purchased a new home in Dallas, Texas, worth $2 million. See, this is where President Bush has outsmarted everybody. People underestimate this guy. Five months ago, you would have had to pay $10 million bucks for that house, but thanks to his economic plan, he got it at a bargain. The man is a genius!" –Jay Leno

布什与劳拉在家乡德州达拉斯买了一栋房子，价值200万美元，看见没，这就是布什比我们聪明的地方。我们都低估了这个人，几个月前，买同样的房子，你得花1000万，但有了经济危机，他低价买入了，真是个天才。

"The Labor Department announced that over 1,100 lawyers lost their jobs last month. Think about it. So lawyers are losing their jobs. … CEOs are being forced to work for a dollar a year. Ann Coulter’s jaw is wired shut. In many ways, this could be the greatest Christmas ever." –Jay Leno

劳工部宣布上个月1100个律师失业。看，律师在失业，CEO正被迫年薪1美元工作，总之，史上最好的一个圣诞节。

“Little bit of history trivia. It was this week, actually yesterday, in 1961, Fidel Castro announced that he was a Marxist and would turn Cuba into a Communist country, where the government would take over all the major industries. Or as we call that today, a bailout.” -Jay Leno

来看看历史上的今天，1961年的这个时候，卡斯特罗宣布他是马克思主义者，要把古巴变成共产主义国家，也就是政府接管主要的工业企业。或者就是我们现在所说的bailout。

“And AIG, you know the insurance company who’s getting over $11 billion of our dollars in bailout money? Well, they announced they’re giving 130 of their executives cash awards of up to $3 million. These are cash awards, not bonuses. They say they are payments to guarantee that their top executives stay with the company. Oh, yeah, God forbid AIG should lose any of these business geniuses. Imagine what kind of shape they’d be in without these people. Again, these are cash awards, not bonuses. So we should send them to jail, not prison, see?” -Jay Leno

AIG，那个保险公司，得到了政府的110亿美元救援。他们宣布奖励130为管理人员300万美金，他们宣称这是现金奖励，不是奖金。是为了保证这些高层不会离开公司，我靠，上帝保佑他们失去这些高管吧，没有他们不至于到今天这地步。既然他们说那是现金奖励，不是奖金。我们应该把他们送到Jail去，不是prison

"President Bush’s economic plan will create 2.5 million new jobs. The bad news, they are all for Iraqi soldiers." —Craig Kilborn

不是的经济计划可以创造250万就业岗位，坏消息是，全是成为驻伊美军。

"According to a new study, bad economic times can actually be good for you because people tend to exercise more and eat better. This is not a recession, this is the Bush Health Care Plan." —Jay Leno

根据最新研究显示，经济萧条也是有好处的，这样就能多锻炼，饮食更加合理。这么说来，这哪里是萧条啊，这简直就是布什健康计划。

"Treasury Secretary Paul O’Neal has resigned. He didn’t want to resign, but there wasn’t any money left in the treasury so he’s got nothing to do." —Jay Leno

财政部长Paul O’Neal 辞职了，他也不想辞职，但是财政部实在是没有钱了，他无事可做。

"The FBI has issued a new terrorist warning that al Qadea may be planning a spectacular attack intended to damage our economy. Well I have news for them, they are a little too late. This is where President Bush is smart. Two years ago he did a pre-emptive strike to make sure our economy couldn’t be any worse than it is right now." —Jay Leno

FBI警告说基地组织可能在策划恐怖袭击，摧毁美国的经济。好消息是，他们晚了，这也是布什聪明的地方。两年前他的政策让如今的经济形势差得不能再差。

"President Bush hosted something called the President’s Economic Forum down in Waco, Texas today. Waco. Apparently Jonestown and Guyana were booked up. When I think of government policy that works, Waco is the place to go. He invited members of small business to the summit. He was going to invite big business, but they’re all in jail." —Jay Leno

布什在德州waco举办了一个经济论坛，邀请了很多小企业主，他本想邀请些大公司的头头的，但他们现在都在监狱里。

"In a speech yesterday in Milwaukee, President Bush vowed to do whatever it takes to keep the economy strong. In fact he said that if he needs to, he will take vacation for another three months." —Jay Leno

在密尔沃基的一个演讲中，布什表示将不惜一切代价挽救经济。实际上，如果实在不行的话，他愿意去再度假三个月。

"President Bush is leaving the White House for a vacation. He’s taking a month off. Yeah, take a break, you deserve it. But aides say that while on vacation, Bush will continue to make two or three speeches a week to make sure that the market keeps crashing." —Jay Leno

布什准备离开白宫去度假，休一个月假，你应得的。但是助手表示休假期间，布什会每周发表两到三次讲话，以确保经济形势持续恶化。

"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are now? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street." —Jay Leno

你知道现在股票价格有多低吗？现在wall street已经被称做Wal-Mart street了。

"The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market." —Jay Leno

美国发明了一种新型武器，可以摧毁所有人，但是建筑安然无恙，这个武器就叫股票市场。

"Things do not look good. The economy’s gone south, we’re at war, people are out of work. In fact, George Bush Sr. picked up the newspaper and thought, ‘Hey, I must still be president.’" —Jay Leno

什么事情都很糟，经济还在下滑，战争还在继续，国民还在失业。布什看了看报纸，心想，看来现在我还是总统。

Comedy writer Pedro Bartes: "The unemploy- ment rate has risen to 6.7 percent in November. It made President Bush really happy until he learned it wasn’t his approval rating."

失业率11月已达6.7%，这让布什很高兴，直到他意识到这不是他的支持率。