到哪里都是主场

http://politicalirony.com/2008/11/21/late-night-political-humor-54/

“Cold here in New York City today, so cold that Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on mittens.” -David Letterman

纽约真冷啊，冷到佩林花了15万美元买手套。

“Barack Obama says one of his top priorities once he becomes president is closing down Guantanamo Bay. To make sure it closes, he’s going to turn it into a bank.” -Jay Leno

奥巴马说他上任后首要任务就是关闭关塔那摩，为了确保它的关闭，他要先把它变成一个银行。

“The press is calling President-elect Barack Obama the first wired president, ’cause he’s very big on e-mail and the internet and all that kind of stuff. But once he becomes president, he’ll have to give up all personal communication devices because of security concerns. Looks like America is ready for a black president, we’re just not ready for a Blackberry president.” -Jay Leno

媒体称奥巴马为史上第一个“在线”总统，因为他频繁使用E-mail，经常上网。但是他成为总统之后，他所有网上的活动都要停止了。美国已经准备好迎接一位黑人总统了，但是还没有准备好迎接一个“黑莓”总统

“Yesterday was a nice day. Barack Obama’s daughters Malia and Sasha made their first visit to the White House. The girls were excited to see where they’ll be living, and President Bush was excited to finally have somebody to play hide-and-seek with.” -Conan O’Brien

昨天奥巴马的两个女儿参观了白宫，两个小女孩很兴奋，布什也很兴奋，因为他终于盼来了愿意跟他玩捉迷藏的人。

“The Obama transition team has leaked that his top choice for homeland security chief is Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano. Her first job? Find out who leaked her name.” -Jay Leno

据奥巴马团队泄露，国土安全局局长一职将授予亚利桑那州长Janet Napolitano, 她上任后的第一个任务就是找出谁泄露的这条消息。

“Well you know what’s really strange? If she gets this job, she would be the first official to take the job overseeing homeland security working for a guy — if he wasn’t president — whose name would probably be on the no-fly list. ‘Barack Hussein Obama? Yeah, step off to the side, please. Thank you.’” -Jay Leno

你知道最奇怪的是什么吗？她当上局长后，她为奥巴马工作，如果他布不是总统的话，他的名字会在禁飞名单上，Barack Hussein Obama。

“Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama’s offer to become secretary of state. That’s what they’re saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said ‘yes.’” -Conan O’Brien

据报道希拉里接收了奥巴马政府的国务卿一职，按照克林顿的说法，这是她20年来第一次说“同意”。

“General Motors announced they are selling two of their private jets. The bad news? They’re being bought by the executives at AIG.” -Jay Leno

好消息是，通用宣称卖掉了两架私人飞机，坏消息是，它们被AIG的总裁买走了。

“U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they’re having a hard time getting people to send rescue money. Here’s what the UN should do: Invest in bad mortgages, run a bank into the ground, give yourself a bonus, get some spa treatments and, in no time, the government will send you $750 billion.” -Jay Leno

联合国宣称他们急需70亿美元救急，但是现在很难找到资金来源。我觉得联合国应该这么干：投资不良抵押贷款，开一家银行，给自己一大笔奖金，享受spa，很快，美国政府就会给你7500亿美元。

“Another good day for the stock market. Up almost 400 points today. Yeah, listen to this. If this keeps up every day for the next three years, we’ll almost be even again.” -Jay Leno

华尔街传来好消息，股票上涨了400点，如果这样持续三年的话，经济就能恢复到原来水平了。

“Obama told reporters that the economy is likely to get worse. After hearing this, John McCain said, ‘That’s funny. He didn’t mention that during the campaign.’” -Conan O’Brien

奥巴马对记者说经济形势很有可能持续恶化。听到此话后，麦凯恩说，这不是搞笑吗？竞选的时候你可从来没说过这样的话。

“Hey, do you believe how much the price of gas has dropped? It’s unbelievable. Given today how far it’s gone down, I saw somebody driving a Prius today without a smug look on their face.” -Jay Leno

你能想象油价下降了多少吗？看看今天的油价，我看到那个开Prius（超级省油的车）的家伙再也不洋洋得意的笑了。

 ABC晚间脱口秀主持人Jimmy Kimmel造访洛杉矶一理发店，调查什么样的针对奥巴马的笑话是可以被接受的。

最搞笑的在最后一刻。
 

http://politicalirony.com/2008/11/14/late-night-political-humor-48/

“I thought this was kind of cute. Senator Barack Obama, President-elect Barack Obama and his wife went on their first date since the election. They actually went on a date, they went out and had dinner. And it is weird, though, when you think about it, don’t you, to have a Democrat in the White House who actually dates his own wife?” -David Letterman

我觉得这事很好玩，奥巴马和他的妻子至大选之后第一次约会，他们共进晚餐。这很不寻常，仔细想想，一个白宫的民主党人在约会自己的妻子（影射克林顿）。

“Historic day at the White House. Earlier today at the White House, you probably saw this, President Bush had a private meeting, in the Oval Office, with President-elect Barack Obama. Ten afterwards, Obama met with Dick Cheney to see how things really work.” -Conan O’Brien

白宫历史性的一天，布什与奥巴马在总统办公室会面，之后，奥巴马跟切尼会面，探讨了一些实质性的问题。

“I don’t know anything about politics, but as soon as Barack Obama shook hands with President Bush, Obama’s ratings went down 10 points.” -David Letterman

我对政治一无所知，但是我知道，只要奥巴马跟布什握手的话，他的支持率会立刻下降10个百分点。

“Egyptian archaeologists have discovered a 4300-year-old pyramid. And I’m thinking, there’s yet another house John McCain forgot about.” -David Letterman

埃及考古学家发现了一个有4300年历史的金字塔，我在想，这是不是麦凯恩的又一处房产呢？

“President Bush briefed Barack Obama on the state of the nation this week. I don’t know that things look bad, but after the briefing, Obama called McCain and said, ‘You still want the job?’” -Jay Leno

布什跟奥巴马简短介绍了一下本周美国的现状，之后，奥巴马给麦凯恩打电话说：“你还想要这个工作吗？”

“During the meeting with President Bush at the White House, President Bush told Barack Obama, even though they make you swear to protect the Constitution, you don’t really have to do it. They can’t do anything to you.” -Jay Leno

与布什在白宫会面期间，布什告诉奥巴马，虽然你要宣誓遵守宪法，但实际上你不必，他们拿你没辙。

“I don’t think President Bush really understands this whole transition thing. Like he said today, he’s glad the Obamas are moving in the day he leaves, because he didn’t want to have to sell the White House in such a down market.” -Jay Leno

我不认为布什理解政权交接这个过程， 就像他今天所说的，很高兴离开的那天奥巴马会搬进来，因为在这个低迷经济环境下白宫卖不了个好价钱。

“I guess after the election last week, Barack Obama took his wife on a date to their favorite Italian restaurant in Chicago. Hear about that? Took his wife out on a date. Yeah. And today Bill Clinton, John Edwards and Eliot Spitzer called him a new kind of Democrat.” -Jay Leno

上周大选结束之后，奥巴马带妻子去了他们最爱的芝加哥的一家意大利餐馆，看，带自己的妻子去。今天克林顿，爱德华兹和Eliot Spitzer（纽约州长）称奥巴马为一个新型的民主党人。

“Cuba’s Raul Castro is going to visit Russia next year, to which President Bush said, man, how long is that raft trip going to take?” -Jay Leno

古巴领导人卡斯特罗的弟弟准备明年出访俄罗斯，布什听说后问，天啊，那木筏得划多远啊。

“And at one point during this meeting, Joe Biden turns to Cheney and he says, ‘Dick, tell me, what is it like being second-in-command?’ And Cheney said: ‘Hell, I don’t know. Ask Bush.’” -David Letterman

会面期间，拜登问切尼：告诉我，当二把手到底是什么感觉呢？切尼说，我不知道，你问布什吧。

http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2008/11/14/the-weeks-best-late-night-jokes-10.htm

http://politicalirony.com/2008/11/13/late-night-political-humor-47/

“The effects of the Barack Obama election win are still reverberating throughout the country. A lot of pride in the African-American community. Have you noticed that? And listen to the latest rumor. You hear about this? … Michael Jackson now considering going back to being a black guy.” -Jay Leno

奥巴马的胜利余波还在席卷这个国家，非裔美国人非常自豪，最新的传言说迈克尔杰克要做回黑人了。

“Did you see Obama’s news conference today? Wow. I have to say, nice to see adults back in charge of government. The White House press corps, you could tell, they were ecstatic. It’s been years since they’ve heard a complete sentence.” -Bill Maher

你们看了奥巴马的新闻发布会吗？我必须要说，政府终于由成年人来掌管了。长期采访白宫发布会的记者都感到惊喜，因为他们已经很多年没有听到完整的句子了。

“This was actually in the paper today, that both parties are already preparing for 2012. Isn’t that unbelievable? But I was thinking, it’s going to be tough for Barack Obama to come up with a campaign slogan for 2012. I mean, what’s it gonna be? ‘Don’t change, everything’s fine, don’t change anything, keep it exactly the same!’” -Jay Leno

有报道说，民主共和两党已经开始着手2012年的大选了，太难以置信了。但是我想的是，奥巴马有难题了，他该怎么选择2012竞选口号呢？不要改变，一切都很好，让我们维持原样吧。

“Obama said his favorite part of the tour was when the president showed him the secret dial under his desk that he uses to control the price of gasoline.” -Jimmy Kimmel

奥巴马说，最好玩的是布什给他展示的，藏在他办公桌下面的秘密按钮，用来控制油价的。

“It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yeah, this is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.” -Conan O’Brien

有报道说米雪.奥巴马想让她母亲也住到白宫，可以预见，这将是奥巴马第一次使用否决权。

“And Barack Obama is being very deferential to President Bush. Obama said last week, ‘The United States can only have one president.’ To which Bush said, ‘Hey, that’s not what Cheney told me.” -Jay Leno

奥巴马对不是非常恭敬，上周还说，美国只有一位总统，布什听后说：切尼可不是这么告诉我的。

“Actually, Governor Palin is continuing to defend herself about that clothes issue. She says she has never even stepped foot in a Neiman Marcus. In fact, she thought Neiman Marcus was the president of the Philippines.” -Jay Leno

实际上，佩林还在为巨资购买衣服的事情辩解，她说她从来没去过Neiman Marcus店。实际上他以为Neiman Marcus是菲律宾总统的名字。

“In the Senate, 90-year-old Robert Byrd will step down as Appropriations Committee chair. He’ll be replaced by Hawaiian Senator Daniel Inouye, who is 84. Finally we’re getting some young blood in there.” -Jay Leno

参议院拨款委员会主席，90岁的Robert Byrd退休了，接替者是84岁的夏威夷议员Daniel Inouye，我们终于有了些年轻人。

"Alaska seems to have re-elected Senator Ted Stevens, who is 84 and going to prison. What is up with Alaska? I have a feeling, when a moose gets shot up there, his last thought is, ‘I can’t believe I’m losing to these a**holes’" –Bill Maher

阿拉斯加重新选出了议员Ted Stevens，84岁而且要进监狱了。阿拉斯加到底怎么了？我有一种感觉，就是当一个麋鹿被射中的时候，它最后的念头是：我居然输给了这帮XX。

"Well, according to a new post-election survey, people want Sarah Palin to run for president in 2012. It says she’s been getting thousands of calls from people pleading with her to run, all Democrats." –Jay Leno

根据最新民调显示，很多人希望佩林竞选2012年总统，据说上千人打电话支持她竞选，全是民主党人。

http://politicalhumor.about.com/b/2008/11/21/the-weeks-best-late-night-jokes-11.htm

Friday November 21, 2008

"It looks like Hillary Clinton might be Barack Obama’s secretary of state. The secretary of state travels all over the world meeting with foreign leaders sometimes spending months away from his or her spouse. But that’s just the sacrifice Bill is willing to make." –Jimmy Kimmel

看起来希拉里会成为奥巴马政府的国务卿。国务卿的工作主要是成天周游世界跟各国领导人会面，有时候会几个月不回家。但是克林顿表示非常乐意做出这个牺牲。

"President-elect Obama met with former political rival John McCain. Both men said it was a relief to put their differences aside, sit down, and really make fun of Sarah Palin." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马和麦凯恩会面，两人均表示，能够搁置双方的不同之处，坐下来，真正的嘲笑一下佩林，是多么自在的一件事啊。

"Senator McCain and President-elect Barack Obama met, got together and had a nice visit. And Barack Obama thanked McCain for choosing that nutty Alaskan chick. And then Barack Obama said to McCain, ‘Hey, I’m catching up with you. I just got a second home.’" –David Letterman

奥巴马与麦凯恩会面，气氛非常融洽。奥巴马感谢麦凯恩选择了一个来自阿拉斯加的花瓶作为竞选搭档，此外，奥巴马表示，我正在赶上你，我刚刚有了第二套住房。

"Oprah Winfrey just announced that she’s planning to attend Barack Obama’s inauguration. Oprah says she’s very excited to see Obama become the second-most powerful person in the world." –Conan O’Brien

奥普拉宣布将参加奥巴马的就职仪式，她说，非常高兴看到奥巴马成为世界上第二有名的人。

"Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden tour of the vice president’s living quarters. Yeah, afterwards, Biden said he loves the house, but he’ll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room." –Conan O’Brien

切尼带着拜登游览了副总统的生活住处，之后，拜登表示非常喜欢这个地方，除了那个地牢，希望能改成娱乐室。

"Rumor is that General Motors will run out of money very soon, unless the government helps them out with a bailout. Isn’t that amazing? I mean, all those times a car salesman told you he was losing money on the deal, he wasn’t lying." — Jay Leno

有传言说通用快要亏损破产了，除非政府能出钱相助，多么有意思啊，一直以来汽车销售员不停地说这个价格卖给你是赔钱的，原来是真的。

"President-elect Obama is meeting every day with his transition team, or in Beltway lingo, his trannies. They are helping him pick who will be in his new government. Over 7,000 presidential appointments are up for grabs. The Obama administration is making history once again by being the only place in America that is currently hiring." –Stephen Colbert

奥巴马每天都忙着选择新政府的官员，共有7000个职位，这是历史上第一次，在美国境内只有一个地方在招人

"Executives of General Motors, Ford and Chrysler testified on Capitol Hill, trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Dick Cheney whispered in his ear, ‘Cars use oil.’" –Jay Leno



通用，福特和克莱斯勒的总裁在国会山游说，希望能得到250亿美元的援助。布什起初反对这个提议，后来切尼告诉他：“汽车消耗汽油的”。（布什就同意了）

"The auto executives for the Big Three are being criticized now, because, before they asked Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. Yeah, separately, in private jets. In their defense, the executives said, ‘We would have driven, but our cars only get three miles to the gallon.’" –Conan O’Brien

三大汽车公司的总裁受到非议，因为他们分别乘坐自己的私人飞机到华盛顿去乞求援助。他们辩解说：我们是想开汽车来了，但是我们造的汽车每加仑汽油只能跑3 miles。
"Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she’s the Vice President of Missouri." –Conan O’Brien


密苏里州统计好了总统选票，结果是麦凯恩赢了这个州，于是佩林以为她是密苏里的副州长了。

"President Bush has exactly two months left in office. His team is already hard at work packing his Legos for the long move back to Texas." –Jimmy Kimmel

布什就剩两个月任期了，他的团队已经开始整理他的乐高积木，准备运回德州。