到哪里都是主场

“A new survey found that only 19% of kids give President Obama an ‘A’ on his first year in office. Malia was like, ‘This is the best possible day to tell dad about my ‘D’ in social studies.’” – Jimmy Fallon

民调显示，只有19%的孩子给奥巴马第一年的表现打了A，他女儿Malia听说后：这可是告诉爸爸我课上只得了D的最好机会。

“Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he’s the most popular African-American president in history” – Jimmy Kimmel

新闻一直说奥巴马的支持率下降了多少多少，但是别忘了他可是至今为止最受欢迎的非裔总统。

“Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.” – Jimmy Fallon

看这条，FBI宣布2009年全国抢劫银行人数下降了20%，但是，银行抢劫老百姓的行为增加了很多。

“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” – Jay Leno

沃尔玛宣布裁员11000人，沃尔玛这样做是因为大规模的裁员可以缩减裁员成本。

“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” – Jay Leno

一下裁了这么多人，但问题是，裁员通告用的是英语，所以所有员工都还在照常工作。

“The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.” – Jimmy Fallon

以色列在计划生产一种特殊的袜子，可以连续穿两周不变味，我大学室友以为他穿的袜子就是这样的呢。

改编自：http://talkshows.about.com/od/conanobrien/a/LenoConanFeud.htm

04年9月  ：Jay Leno宣布将于09年退休，NBC任命Conan继任Tonigh Show。

07年10月：Jay犹豫自己的退休决定，暗示将会换个电视台继续主持一档脱口秀。

08年5月  ：Jimmy Fallon被任命为Conan的Late Night的接班人。

08年7月  ：NBC正式宣布Jay将于09年夏离任，Conan将搬到洛杉矶入驻Tonight Show

08年夏    ：关于Jay的下家，流言四起，ABC还是FOX，去拉斯维加斯赌场开个人脱口秀场还是回家养老。

08年12月：NBC宣布Jay留下，将主持10点档的一个新show。

09年2月  ：Andy加入Tonight Show，与Conan重新搭档。

09年3月  ：Jimmy主持的Late Night Show首播。

09年5月  ：Jay告别Tonight Show。

09年6月  ：Tonight Show with Conan开播。

09年9月  ：10点档的Jay Leno Show开播。

10年1月7日: 有传闻Jay Leno Show因为收视将离开10点档。

10年1月8日: 传闻变为现实，NBC宣布Jay的节目回归11：35，Conan的Tonight Show延迟到12：05。

10年1月13日：Conan宣布宁可不干了也不接受时间推迟。

10年1月14日：传闻NBC将赶走Conan，Jay回归Tonight Show

10年1月18日：Conan和NBC达成协议，Conan离开NBC。

10年1月23日：Conan的Tonight Show最后一集。

The White House and the Senate Democrats are working on a new jobs bill. The White House said this new jobs bill could create twice as many nonexistent fake jobs as the last one.

白宫和参议院的民主党人正在制定一个新的制造工作岗位的计划，白宫说新的计划能够比原来的计划产生多一倍的“假”工作。
“And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House.” – Jay Leno

华盛顿邮报说那对混进白宫的夫妇是惯犯，他俩经常欺骗别人。怪不得呢，白宫太适合他俩了。
“It’s been reported that President Obama’s speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC’s new shows, ‘Afghanistan’s Got Talent,’ ‘Law & Order: Kabul,’ and ‘The Tonight Show With Hamid O’Karzai.’” – Conan O’Brien

据报道奥巴马周二在关于阿富汗政策的演讲给NBC带来了多年未见的高收视率，看着吧，明年春天NBC将会有以下新剧：《阿富汗达人》，《法律与秩序：喀布尔》，《卡尔扎伊今夜秀》。
“This week, America’s last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan.” – Jay Leno

本周美国最后一个一战幸存老兵，Frank Buckles，108岁了，希望能看到在首都的纪念一战老兵活动，当然，那得等到他从阿富汗服役归来。
“Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama’s face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.” – Craig Ferguson

德州警察发现了上千片带有奥巴马头像的小药片，毒贩选择奥巴马因为吃了这种药片能让人产生希望，感觉有所改变，然后被送到千里之外。

This Friday, the official Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

本周五，官方的圣诞树被送抵白宫，不幸的是，安保人员已经让三个自称是官方的圣诞树进去了。

Of course you’ve been hearing about them, the couple who crashed the White House state dinner. They were supposed to be on “Larry King Live” tonight, but they canceled their appearance. Apparently, they didn’t feel right showing up to a place where they were actually invited.

听说了吧，混入白宫的那对夫妇今晚应该上拉里金节目的，但是他俩取消了，原因是他们不习惯出现在被邀请可以出现的地方。

“Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that’s apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That’s exactly what happens.” – Jay Leno

Liz Cheney在福克斯新闻上说她爹，前副总统切尼应该竞选2012总统，实际上，玛雅人的日历都预料到这一点了，那一年，切尼成为总统，世界从此毁灭。

“Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.’ When George Bush visited, he said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.’” – Jimmy Fallon

昨天，奥巴马登上长城，感慨道：太神奇了，让我联想到了滚滚前进的历史；当年小布什爬长城时说：太神奇了，让我联想起蜘蛛人爱爬的墙。

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.’” – Conan O’Brien

前总统切尼批评奥巴马不该对日本天皇行大礼，鞠躬那么深，切尼说：何必呢，他又不是埃克森集团的CEO。

“I don’t know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden’s 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn’t blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out.” – Jimmy Fallon

大伙知道吗？明天是我们副总统拜登67岁生日，每次过生日，他都不用吹蜡烛，就一直讲啊讲，蜡烛忍受不了自己就熄灭了。

“Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people.” – Seth Meyers

佩林开始了新书的宣传活动，这周在密歇根，有超过1000人来捧场，用福克斯新闻的话来说：50万人。
“Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It’s like fighting over whether or not to fight.” – Jimmy Fallon

这周末，参议院投票决定可以讨论医保计划。这叫啥事啊，好比先打一架来决定该不该打架。
“This week, Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan’s traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest.” – Jay Leno

本周阿富汗总统卡尔扎伊宣誓就职，他身着阿富汗传统服饰：是牢固纤维材料的裤子，头盔和防弹背心

But I think George W. Bush will be a great motivational speaker. I mean, look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!

我觉得布什是一个伟大的激励演讲者，你想啊，他激励了多少人去投民主党的票。
According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, “President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.” They say he’ll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting.

根据一份CNN的报道，“奥巴马即将作出对阿富汗的战略调整，有可能增加军队，也有可能减少军队，也有可能维持现有编制。”看，滴水不漏的报道。

Anyone here excited about the Yankees-Phillies World Series game? Here’s the latest. Senator Charles Schumer of New York is betting Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter a case of New York cheesecakes versus a case of Philadelphia cheese steaks. So whoever wins the bet will die of a heart attack.

纽约和费城的棒球总决赛，大家都很兴奋吧，纽约参议员Charles Schumer跟宾州参议员Arlen Specter打赌，赌注是纽约的芝士蛋糕和费城的芝士牛排，所以，无论谁赢，会有个人死于心脏病。

Yesterday, former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, “The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.”

昨天，前总统布什给了第一次激励演讲，结束之后布什说，看来观众大受鼓励，很多人没听完就走了。

And Osama bin Laden’s ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. Even terrorists get scared when their ex-wives write a book.

本拉登前妻写了本关于他的书，连恐怖分子都害怕前妻出书。

“CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain” – Jimmy Fallon

CBS新闻报道说奥巴马准备再派遣40000军队到阿富汗，奥巴马表示这是为了履行竞选承诺，麦凯恩的承诺。

“Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” – Craig Ferguson

Google宣布准备在全国所有机场提供互联网入口，太好了，因为现在在机场唯一能看A片的方法是跟着一个参议员进卫生间（前段时间有参议员在机场卫生间有不轨行为）。

“It’s been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” – Conan O’Brien

据报道著名反移民旗帜Lou Dobbs离开了CNN，实际情况是，他被一个叫胡安的人代替了，胡安做同样的事情，但是每小时只要5美元。

“Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That’s what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce.” – Conan O’Brien

前总统克林顿跟民主党参议员谈起医保方案，他说你们千万不能再犯我和希拉里犯过的错误了，结果，这些参议员回家就都离婚了。

“I found out this by reading her memoir ‘Going Rogue,’ the Sarah Palin memoir, ‘Going Rogue.’ Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East.” – David Letterman

读了佩林的回忆录《Going Rogue》我发现，这个前阿拉斯加的州长，认为柏林墙是砌在Kanye West和Kanye East之间的。