到哪里都是主场

"Do you know in Switzerland, in Geneva, scientists are celebrating? They have a multimillion-dollar atom-smasher that has given us new information on how the universe began. Couldn’t these scientists save some money and just ask Larry King?" –Craig Ferguson

在瑞士日内瓦，科学家们在为一个造价几百万美元的原子加速器而欢呼，此加速器可以给提供一些宇宙起源的信息，为啥科学家不知道省点钱呢，直接问拉里金不就完了。

"Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn’t know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney’s underground torture chamber." –David Letterman

在白宫，每年复活节后的周一，孩子们都在草坪上找蛋，不过今年这个活动取消了，原因十分令人震惊：去年有几个小孩无意中闯入了切尼的地下秘密酷刑室。

"It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain." –Jay Leno

佩林可能要做一个真人秀，但具体她的角色还没有确定，就像当年跟麦凯恩搭档竞选一样。

"Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate." –David Letterman

专家认为iPad会革新我们拖延的方式。

"KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It’s bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: ‘We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can’t keep up with you guys.’" –Jay Leno

肯德基新出了一种特大号三明治，熏肉奶酪加俩炸鸡块，结果基地组织宣布：我们败了，在谋杀美国人这方面，实在跟不上你们的步伐。

"KFC restaurants have unveiled the ‘Double Down,’ which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance." –Craig Ferguson

我觉得这个三明治不错，怕什么呢，我们有免费的医疗保险。

世博会开幕了，法国带来很多世界级名画，名画的保护问题一直是个难题，我有个好主意，让胡主席在画上题词就好了。  -Jeff

"Health care passes, Rush Limbaugh leaving. Or as President Obama calls that, a ‘win-win.’" –Jay Leno

医保方案通过了，Rush Limbaugh要离开美国了，这就是奥巴马所说的双赢。

"President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him." –Jay Leno

奥巴马昨晚说，这表明这是一个民选的政府，也是服务于人民的总统，除了那55%反对他的人民。

"See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you’re still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November." –Jay Leno

好处是，即使你失业了，也有医疗保险，到11月份的时候，就能看出来这对民主党有多重要了。

"What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I’ll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry’s was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody’s getting cocky now that there’s free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?" –Craig Ferguson

这是怎样的一天啊，伟大的一天，即使对美国来说。因为Ben&Jerry在发放免费冰激凌，星巴克在发放免费甜点，想吃就吃，要吃的欢乐，糖尿病？谁在乎，有免费医保了。

"Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke." –Jay Leno

今天，海地总统来到白宫见奥巴马，说我们的人们需要工作，需要住的地方，需要医疗保障，然后海地总统开始讲话。

"A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he’s doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

最新民调显示22%的民众非常满意奥巴马的工作，43%的民众非常不满意，剩下的35%没有表态，还在等奥巴马做点什么。

第一次David Letterman（04/17/2009)

• 大家好，我是爱尔兰人。
• 蜜桃成熟时却没人摘
• 我不擅长体育，但是我喜欢平行趴车，因为跟体育不一样，你趴车技术越差，越多的人为你加油鼓劲。
• 我是个移民，我曾经买过一辆二手车，车身上有很多难以撕掉的粘纸，其中一个写的：如果你不会说英语，滚回家去吧。我两年后才知道是什么意思。
• 参加入籍考试要考美国历史，有道题问谁是富兰克林（美钞百元上的头像）？我：便利店被抢劫的原因？第二修正案是什么（公民有权持有枪支）？我：便利店被抢劫的原因？
• Roe VS Wade（美国历史上著名的关于堕胎的有争议的案例）是什么？我：两种来美国的方式？（谐音Row，划船；wade，涉水）
• 我现在有个幸福的家庭，但是我曾经恐惧婚姻，因为据统计50%的婚姻是要持续一生的。
• 去年我有了第一个儿子，当时在产房，我抱着他，心想你刚出生就是美国公民了，但你知道谁是富兰克林吗？
• 现在我在车上贴了个牌子：车内有婴儿。这个标语就是个恐怖威胁：我现在有个哭闹的孩子和唠叨的老婆，我已经不怕死了

第二次David Letterma(02/12/2010)

• 我曾经是世界上最年轻的婴儿。
• 有一天，我看到饭店的卫生间有个牌子写着：雇员回去工作前必须洗手。雇主呢？就不用洗手了吗？
• 这个牌子显然是个激励信号：如果你工作努力（成为老板），就不用洗手了。
• 我每次用卫生间都洗手，这样我的孩子以后就不必了。
• 我现在是父亲了，三年前我儿子是世界上最年轻的婴儿。
• 前两天我去日托接他回家，他跟我说：今天我哭了，我问他为什么，他说：我想爸爸了。我心想，太乖了，可是我差点忘了接你了。
• 后来我偷听到他跟他妈也这么说，我今天哭了因为想妈妈。
• 太伤心了，这些年我一直为了你而洗手啊。
• 当爹太难了，比如我教他，这个叫蓝莓（blueberry）因为它们是蓝色的，他问，那草莓呢?(strawberry的straw是一文不值的意思，但后一句用的是straw的吸管之意）。最后只能用来做冰果汁，用吸管喝。
• 我是个移民，有一次两个人敲我们问我信不信耶稣，我说不，他们说要是不信耶稣就得下地狱，我说中国有10几亿人不信耶稣都得下地狱吗？他们说不会，因为他们不知道耶稣是谁，但是现在你知道了。我说：那你们告诉我干什么啊？
• 我不太信教，但我觉得我最后能去天堂，也许是非法的，我将会是天堂里的非法地狱移民。
• 我经常收到电话推销的电话。有个周六早上，我接到了一个电话，让我换成他们公司的电话服务，我说你能听到我说话吗？他说能啊，我说，那就没有必要换了吧。

"New York Governor David Paterson under investigation for accepting free Yankee tickets to the World Series last fall. If found guilty, could be sentenced to free Mets tickets." –Jay Leno

纽约州长Paterson接受调查，因为受贿扬基队的球票，如果有罪的话，将被判去看Mets队的比赛。

"Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." –Craig Ferguson

Rush Limbaugh说如果医保方案通过的话，他将离开美国，民主党很听到很沮丧，因为早知道的话，几年前就通过它了。

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election." –David Letterman

伊朗总统内贾德说911是伪造的，就像他的连任一样。

"But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O’Brien ever hosted ‘The Tonight Show.’" –David Letterman

但是内贾德完全是个混蛋，他甚至不承认Conan主持过今夜秀。

"Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles — because that’s the only safe place to stand." –Jimmy Kimmel

丰田表示将永远站在丰田车边上（支持自己的产品），因为那是唯一安全的地方。

"They have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman

奥斯卡今年有俩主持，谁说奥巴马没有创造就业岗位来着?

"Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for ‘The Hurt Locker’, which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, ‘How did you end it?’" –Jimmy Fallon

《拆弹部队》大获全胜，那是一部关于伊拉克战争的电影，所以奥巴马打电话给导演问：你们是怎么结束（拍摄）的？

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

Kathryn Biglow赢得最佳导演，在获奖演讲中，她忘了感谢造就这部电影最关键的两个人物，布什和切尼。

另外她没有首先感谢美利坚合众国，没有感谢民主党和共和党，遭到全场的嘘声。 – Duo Wang

"At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn’t think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You’re just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they’re not that into you. Obama’s like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres." -Bill Maher

最后，奥巴马认为很难跟共和党达成一致。你才意识到吗？告诉你吧，共和党的心思你别猜，你别猜。奥巴马的表现就像一个大学男生，浪费了一年时间，去追Ellen Degeneres。

"We have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn on the show tonight. When it comes to going downhill, nobody is faster. OK, except NBC." –Jay Leno

今晚嘉宾是冬奥会高山速降冠军Linsdey Vonn，说到速降，偶们NBC可是个中好手。

"Weren’t the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy." –David Letterman

冬奥会可好玩了，美国赢得了经济速降的金牌。

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it’s like to drive a Toyota." –Jimmy Fallon

我爱看冬奥会，因为有一些独一无二的项目，比如有舵雪橇(无刹车），唯一能给你乘坐丰田车感受的运动。

"President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer." –Jay Leno

布什今天说，在任期间，他经常祈祷上帝，我觉得，他当总统时，我们都在祈祷。

"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It’s called ‘What Would Dick Cheney Do?’" –Jay Leno

这周末，布什说他准备写一本关于自己在任期间如何做决策的书，我拿到了一个预印本，书名叫：《切尼会怎么做》。

"More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas." –Jay Leno

汽车业麻烦越来越多，通用宣布召回130万辆有操控问题的车，主要原因是，这些车躲不开对面开来的丰田。