墨西哥湾原油泄露事件情况越来越恶化，自从布什总统卸任以后，这是对新奥尔良最大的威胁。

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

不过也有好消息，原油价格每桶下降了12美元，是啊，要是能从海里舀出来的话，谁还花钱买呢。

“And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: ‘Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?’” –Jay Leno

从油井里露出的石油是最初预计的五倍，前总统布什听说后：等一下，你是说我们在墨西哥湾就有石油？

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

周一，BP承诺将竭尽全力承担所有清理费用，无论得把油价升到多高。

“This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.”  –David Letterman

石油泄露事件影响着每一个人，周末我去吃饭的时候点了海鲈鱼，他们问我是要常规的还是无铅的。

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

BP的灾后反应使得高盛的人看起来很有责任感。

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” –Jay Leno

科学家发明了一种以水为燃料的汽车，但前提是得用墨西哥湾的水。

“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” –Jay Leno

今天，BP的CEO说泄露事件对环境的影响会是非常小的。是啊，要是住在英国的话。

“It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the ‘Lost’ series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s definitely the worst leak of all time, right?’” –Jimmy Fallon

有传闻Lost大结局的剧本泄露了六页，BP高管听说后：这可是史上最大的泄露事件啊。

今天高盛听证会，律师，议员和银行家同在一个屋里，撒谎界的三驾马车。

"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon

一名乘坐Delta航空从巴黎到亚特兰大的乘客宣称自己行李箱里有爆炸物，安保说这是联邦重罪，Delta航空说你得多付15块钱的携带炸弹费。

"Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China." –David Letterman

盖特纳展示了新版的百元钞票，就是想在把这些钱送到中国之前给我们看看。

"On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration." –David Letterman

1789年的今天，乔治华盛顿宣誓就职成为美国第一任总统，他也是唯一一个没有责备前任总统的总统。

"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman

伊朗独裁者内贾德今天在纽约市，所以，至少今天，市长布隆伯格不再是纽约市最矮的独裁者。

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

调查显示12%的父母通过不许孩子上社交网站的方式来惩罚他们，剩下的88%通过加入社交网站来惩罚孩子。

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama‘ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

德州的警察逮捕了一个犯人，此人用奥巴马的名字从35个ATM机器上投钱，被发现是一定的，因为奥巴马只会给银行钱，而不会从银行取钱（讽刺下奥巴马的对银行的bailout）

有人在时代广场企图引爆装在SUV车里的炸药，车是日产的探路者，大概犯罪分子认为要是用丰田车的话，那危险的就是他自己了。

"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

专家说炸药已经被安全清除，如果要是爆炸的话，给纽约造成的破坏堪比高盛。

"Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

警察突袭了他的家，据邻居说，嫌疑人告诉他们他是在华尔街工作的，发现实际上他只不过是个恐怖分子后，邻居们松了一口气。

"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I’ll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman

周末发生了很诡异的事情，一辆车停在了45街和broadway的路口，太诡异了，居然能在那儿找到停车位。

"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn’t in on it." –Jimmy Fallon

我们住到了时报广场恐怖袭击的犯罪嫌疑人，他交代整个事件都是一个人干的，确实是一个人，连炸药都没配合他。

"Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn’t the work of a stoner, I don’t know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

企图炸纽约时报广场未遂的那个犯罪嫌疑人脑子不怎么好使。首先，此人在淘宝上买了辆SUV，还用的是真实资料注册的账号，放入了一些烟花爆竹，然后又开了一辆车到纽约，作为逃跑用车，结果他把SUV开到时报广场离开后，发现逃跑用车的钥匙落在了SUV里，所以只能坐地铁回家，到家门口发现，自己房门钥匙也落在了SUV里，还是让房东开的门。这绝对是吸毒的人才能干出的事。

"We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within." –Jimmy Kimmel

我认为不应该抓他，应该放了他，让他加入塔利班，他能从内部瓦解塔利班。

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ … The Taliban said, ‘The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.’" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

一开始塔利班宣称对此次事件负责，后来犯罪嫌疑人浮出水面后，塔利班说：这跟我们没关，对美国搞破坏的话，我们会雇BP的（BP公司原油泄露在墨西哥湾）。

英国政府派了艘军舰去法国接因为火山灰耽误航班的乘客，尴尬一刻发生了，当军舰到达港口后，法国投降了。

"A new study shows that fewer and fewer immigrants are sending money they earn here back home. They’d like to, but there’s no one left at home. They all live here now. They just send it across the street." –Jay Leno

一份研究显示，越来越少的移民寄钱回老家了，因为老家已经没人了，都来美国了，寄给街对面就好了。

"Here is a story that is kind of perplexing: 221 years ago, George Washington went to the library here in New York, took out some books, never returned them. 221 years of overdue library fines. I tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to blame this economic crisis on a president, what about that guy?" –David Letterman

221年前，乔治华盛顿来到纽约，借了几本书，一直没还，221年的欠费啊，同志们，如果非要总统为经济危机负责的话，算在他头上吧。

"According to USA Today, 71 percent of American households have already filled out and returned their census. That’s the good news. The bad news — they filled it out in Spanish." –Jay Leno

根据《今日美国》，71%的美国家庭都已经填好了人口普查表，坏消息是—-全是用西班牙语填的。

"The publisher says that in the book, Bush writes honestly and directly about his flaws and mistakes. And I’m thinking, whew! Man, this is going to be a long book." –David Letterman

出版方说书里布什将坦诚的讲述其在任期间犯的错误，这可得是一本巨厚的书啊。

"The U.S. Treasury unveiled the new version of the $100 bill last week. They needed to come out with a new one because, apparently, China has all the old ones." –Jay Leno

美国财政部发行了新版100美元钞票，早就该发行新的了，现在的版本全在中国手里。

"The Senate held hearings on what role Goldman Sachs played in the mortgage meltdown of 2008. They allegedly sold bad mortgages to their clients and then bet against them to make profits for themselves. I think that’s what the ‘American Idol’ judges are doing to us this season with these crappy singers." –Jimmy Kimmel

参议院举行听证会，关于高盛在08年次贷危机中扮演的角色：高盛卖给客户质量差的抵押贷款，然后投注他们会搞砸，再赚一笔。我怎么觉得这有点像《美国偶像》的评委对我们干的事呢：让一群蹩脚的歌手晋级。

上海世博会如火如荼，但有的场馆火爆有的冷清，为了平衡流量，冷清的场馆前大屏幕开始播放《非诚勿扰》，火爆的场馆前播放《新闻联播》。—Jeff

最近亚利桑那州通过了美国历史上最严格的发移民法案，目的是将亚利桑那非法入境的墨西哥人驱逐回他们的老家——洛杉矶

"Arizona’s Governor had been stalling, you know, on signing this. She said it did not reflect any ambivalence about the bill. She just wanted to make sure her pool was clean and her lawn was mowed before she signed." –Bill Maher, on Arizona’s immigration bill.

亚利桑那州长签署这个法案的时候犹豫了一下，她自己解释说不是因为法案内容有争议。我想她是想确认一下自己家的游泳池是否清理了，草地是否割过了（主要是非法墨西哥移民做的工作）

"Here in New York City, the Yankees, they’re champions. In Arizona, they would be deported." –David Letterman

在纽约市这里，扬基的队员们是冠军，要是在亚利桑那，他们会被驱逐出境。

"Senator John McCain supported Arizona’s new immigration bill. John McCain, also an immigrant. He came over on the Mayflower." –David Letterman

麦凯恩支持新的移民法案，其实麦凯恩也是个移民，当年坐五月花号来的（调侃麦凯恩的年迈）

"How many people are here just because you’re hiding from the Arizona police?" –David Letterman

你们有多少人在这里是为了躲避亚利桑那的警察的？

"I called the governor’s office in Arizona today, and the recorded message said press one for English, press two for English, press three for English." –Jay Leno

我几天给亚利桑那州长办公室打了一个电话，语音留言提示说：按1是英语，按2是英语，按3是英语。

"Arizona has passed the strictest immigration bill in American history. A hundred people have been stopped already — and that was just in one van." –Jay Leno

亚利桑那通过了美国历史上最严厉的移民法案，已经有一百个可疑人员被盘查了，都来自一辆面包车里。

在瑞士日内瓦，科学家们在为一个造价几百万美元的原子加速器而欢呼，此加速器可以给提供一些宇宙起源的信息，为啥科学家不知道省点钱呢，直接问拉里金不就完了。

"Oh, you know what they do every Monday after Easter at the White House? They have the hunt, on the White House lawn. And they canceled it this year. You know why? I was stunned. I didn’t know about this. Last year a couple of kids accidentally stumbled into Dick Cheney’s underground torture chamber." –David Letterman

在白宫，每年复活节后的周一，孩子们都在草坪上找蛋，不过今年这个活动取消了，原因十分令人震惊：去年有几个小孩无意中闯入了切尼的地下秘密酷刑室。

"It looks like Sarah Palin will be doing some kind of reality show on cable. They say her exact role on the show is unknown, kind of like when she campaigned for McCain." –Jay Leno

佩林可能要做一个真人秀，但具体她的角色还没有确定，就像当年跟麦凯恩搭档竞选一样。

"Experts believe the iPad will revolutionize the way people procrastinate." –David Letterman

专家认为iPad会革新我们拖延的方式。

"KFC coming out with their new Double Down sandwich. It’s bacon and cheese wrapped inside two pieces of fried chicken. In fact, today, Al Qaeda said: ‘We quit. When it comes to killing Americans, we can’t keep up with you guys.’" –Jay Leno

肯德基新出了一种特大号三明治，熏肉奶酪加俩炸鸡块，结果基地组织宣布：我们败了，在谋杀美国人这方面，实在跟不上你们的步伐。

"KFC restaurants have unveiled the ‘Double Down,’ which is two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. Why not — we all have free health insurance." –Craig Ferguson

我觉得这个三明治不错，怕什么呢，我们有免费的医疗保险。

世博会开幕了，法国带来很多世界级名画，名画的保护问题一直是个难题，我有个好主意，让胡主席在画上题词就好了。  -Jeff

奥巴马夫人因为抗击肥胖而获的儿童选择奖，颁奖典礼由Kevin James（美国喜剧演员男星）主持，我擦，抗击肥胖的典礼由Kevin James主持，就好比反劈腿典礼由Jesse James（Bullock劈腿老公）来主持。

"President Obama was at a bookstore in Iowa yesterday and he bought a $37 pop-up book for Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ son. Gibbs said, ‘It’s a little expensive, sir’ and Obama said, ‘I can handle it.’ Then he called the president of China and said, ‘Can I borrow 37 bucks?’" –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马昨天在Iowa一个书店买了本37美元的立体书，送给自己新闻助理Gibbs的儿子，Gibbs说：有点贵啊，奥巴马说：没问题，看我的，于是打给胡主席：借我37美元？

"And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba." –Jay Leno

佛罗里达失业率达12.2%，你无法想象这已经糟糕到什么地步了，今天海岸警卫队抓住了50个准备从迈阿密游回古巴的古巴人。

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." –Jay Leno

上周末奥巴马突访阿富汗 ，我猜他在华盛顿待了14个月，迫切需要到一个安静平和点的地方。

"Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don’t know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods." –Jimmy Kimmel

周四是人口普查的截止日期，此次人口普查目的是能够调查到每个人，但如果你不知道你家里住了多少人，数一数ipods数量就行了。

"Well, according to ‘Newsweek,’ the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

根据新闻周刊，FBI宣布本拉登还很健康，还在指挥基地组织。今天，共和党人把这归罪于刚通过的医保方案。

医保方案通过了，Rush Limbaugh要离开美国了，这就是奥巴马所说的双赢。

"President Obama said last night this proves this is a government of the people, and by the people, except for the 55 percent of the people who opposed him." –Jay Leno

奥巴马昨晚说，这表明这是一个民选的政府，也是服务于人民的总统，除了那55%反对他的人民。

"See, and the nice thing is, if you lose your job, you know, you’re still covered, which is great news for the Democrats in November." –Jay Leno

好处是，即使你失业了，也有医疗保险，到11月份的时候，就能看出来这对民主党有多重要了。

"What kind of a day is it for you? Because I think it is a great day for America! It is. And I’ll tell you why. Because all day today Ben & Jerry’s was giving out free ice cream. And Starbucks was giving out free pastries. Everybody’s getting cocky now that there’s free health insurance. Eat what you like. Diabetes? Who cares?" –Craig Ferguson

这是怎样的一天啊，伟大的一天，即使对美国来说。因为Ben&Jerry在发放免费冰激凌，星巴克在发放免费甜点，想吃就吃，要吃的欢乐，糖尿病？谁在乎，有免费医保了。

"Earlier today, the president of Haiti was at the White House to meet with President Obama. He said the people of his country need jobs, they need places to live, and they need health care. And then the president of Haiti spoke." –Jay Leno

今天，海地总统来到白宫见奥巴马，说我们的人们需要工作，需要住的地方，需要医疗保障，然后海地总统开始讲话。

"A new poll out today shows that 22 percent of voters strongly approve of the job President Obama is doing, 43 percent strongly disapprove of the job he’s doing, and the other 35 percent are holding off judgment until he actually does something." –Jay Leno

最新民调显示22%的民众非常满意奥巴马的工作，43%的民众非常不满意，剩下的35%没有表态，还在等奥巴马做点什么。

纽约州长Paterson接受调查，因为受贿扬基队的球票，如果有罪的话，将被判去看Mets队的比赛。

"Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." –Craig Ferguson

Rush Limbaugh说如果医保方案通过的话，他将离开美国，民主党很听到很沮丧，因为早知道的话，几年前就通过它了。

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election." –David Letterman

伊朗总统内贾德说911是伪造的，就像他的连任一样。

"But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O’Brien ever hosted ‘The Tonight Show.’" –David Letterman

但是内贾德完全是个混蛋，他甚至不承认Conan主持过今夜秀。

"Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles — because that’s the only safe place to stand." –Jimmy Kimmel

丰田表示将永远站在丰田车边上（支持自己的产品），因为那是唯一安全的地方。

"They have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman

奥斯卡今年有俩主持，谁说奥巴马没有创造就业岗位来着?

"Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for ‘The Hurt Locker’, which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, ‘How did you end it?’" –Jimmy Fallon

《拆弹部队》大获全胜，那是一部关于伊拉克战争的电影，所以奥巴马打电话给导演问：你们是怎么结束（拍摄）的？

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

Kathryn Biglow赢得最佳导演，在获奖演讲中，她忘了感谢造就这部电影最关键的两个人物，布什和切尼。

另外她没有首先感谢美利坚合众国，没有感谢民主党和共和党，遭到全场的嘘声。 – Duo Wang

最后，奥巴马认为很难跟共和党达成一致。你才意识到吗？告诉你吧，共和党的心思你别猜，你别猜。奥巴马的表现就像一个大学男生，浪费了一年时间，去追Ellen Degeneres。

"We have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn on the show tonight. When it comes to going downhill, nobody is faster. OK, except NBC." –Jay Leno

今晚嘉宾是冬奥会高山速降冠军Linsdey Vonn，说到速降，偶们NBC可是个中好手。

"Weren’t the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy." –David Letterman

冬奥会可好玩了，美国赢得了经济速降的金牌。

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it’s like to drive a Toyota." –Jimmy Fallon

我爱看冬奥会，因为有一些独一无二的项目，比如有舵雪橇(无刹车），唯一能给你乘坐丰田车感受的运动。

"President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer." –Jay Leno

布什今天说，在任期间，他经常祈祷上帝，我觉得，他当总统时，我们都在祈祷。

"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It’s called ‘What Would Dick Cheney Do?’" –Jay Leno

这周末，布什说他准备写一本关于自己在任期间如何做决策的书，我拿到了一个预印本，书名叫：《切尼会怎么做》。

"More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas." –Jay Leno

汽车业麻烦越来越多，通用宣布召回130万辆有操控问题的车，主要原因是，这些车躲不开对面开来的丰田。

民调显示，只有19%的孩子给奥巴马第一年的表现打了A，他女儿Malia听说后：这可是告诉爸爸我课上只得了D的最好机会。

“Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he’s the most popular African-American president in history” – Jimmy Kimmel

新闻一直说奥巴马的支持率下降了多少多少，但是别忘了他可是至今为止最受欢迎的非裔总统。

“Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.” – Jimmy Fallon

看这条，FBI宣布2009年全国抢劫银行人数下降了20%，但是，银行抢劫老百姓的行为增加了很多。

“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” – Jay Leno

沃尔玛宣布裁员11000人，沃尔玛这样做是因为大规模的裁员可以缩减裁员成本。

“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” – Jay Leno

一下裁了这么多人，但问题是，裁员通告用的是英语，所以所有员工都还在照常工作。

“The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.” – Jimmy Fallon

以色列在计划生产一种特殊的袜子，可以连续穿两周不变味，我大学室友以为他穿的袜子就是这样的呢。

04年9月  ：Jay Leno宣布将于09年退休，NBC任命Conan继任Tonigh Show。

07年10月：Jay犹豫自己的退休决定，暗示将会换个电视台继续主持一档脱口秀。

08年5月  ：Jimmy Fallon被任命为Conan的Late Night的接班人。

08年7月  ：NBC正式宣布Jay将于09年夏离任，Conan将搬到洛杉矶入驻Tonight Show

08年夏    ：关于Jay的下家，流言四起，ABC还是FOX，去拉斯维加斯赌场开个人脱口秀场还是回家养老。

08年12月：NBC宣布Jay留下，将主持10点档的一个新show。

09年2月  ：Andy加入Tonight Show，与Conan重新搭档。

09年3月  ：Jimmy主持的Late Night Show首播。

09年5月  ：Jay告别Tonight Show。

09年6月  ：Tonight Show with Conan开播。

09年9月  ：10点档的Jay Leno Show开播。

10年1月7日: 有传闻Jay Leno Show因为收视将离开10点档。

10年1月8日: 传闻变为现实，NBC宣布Jay的节目回归11：35，Conan的Tonight Show延迟到12：05。

10年1月13日：Conan宣布宁可不干了也不接受时间推迟。

10年1月14日：传闻NBC将赶走Conan，Jay回归Tonight Show

10年1月18日：Conan和NBC达成协议，Conan离开NBC。

10年1月23日：Conan的Tonight Show最后一集。

白宫和参议院的民主党人正在制定一个新的制造工作岗位的计划，白宫说新的计划能够比原来的计划产生多一倍的“假”工作。
“And The Washington Post suggested today that this party-crashing couple may have a long history of deceiving people. Well, no wonder they fit in at the White House.” – Jay Leno

华盛顿邮报说那对混进白宫的夫妇是惯犯，他俩经常欺骗别人。怪不得呢，白宫太适合他俩了。
“It’s been reported that President Obama’s speech on Tuesday about Afghanistan helped give NBC its best ratings in a long time. So look out this spring for NBC’s new shows, ‘Afghanistan’s Got Talent,’ ‘Law & Order: Kabul,’ and ‘The Tonight Show With Hamid O’Karzai.’” – Conan O’Brien

据报道奥巴马周二在关于阿富汗政策的演讲给NBC带来了多年未见的高收视率，看着吧，明年春天NBC将会有以下新剧：《阿富汗达人》，《法律与秩序：喀布尔》，《卡尔扎伊今夜秀》。
“This week, America’s last living World War I veteran — a man named Frank Buckles, 108 years old — he said he would like to see a memorial in Washington, D.C. You know, when he gets back from Afghanistan.” – Jay Leno

本周美国最后一个一战幸存老兵，Frank Buckles，108岁了，希望能看到在首都的纪念一战老兵活动，当然，那得等到他从阿富汗服役归来。
“Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama’s face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.” – Craig Ferguson

德州警察发现了上千片带有奥巴马头像的小药片，毒贩选择奥巴马因为吃了这种药片能让人产生希望，感觉有所改变，然后被送到千里之外。

This Friday, the official Christmas tree was delivered to the White House. Unfortunately, the Secret Service had already let in three other trees that claimed they were on the list.

本周五，官方的圣诞树被送抵白宫，不幸的是，安保人员已经让三个自称是官方的圣诞树进去了。

Of course you’ve been hearing about them, the couple who crashed the White House state dinner. They were supposed to be on “Larry King Live” tonight, but they canceled their appearance. Apparently, they didn’t feel right showing up to a place where they were actually invited.

听说了吧，混入白宫的那对夫妇今晚应该上拉里金节目的，但是他俩取消了，原因是他们不习惯出现在被邀请可以出现的地方。

Liz Cheney在福克斯新闻上说她爹，前副总统切尼应该竞选2012总统，实际上，玛雅人的日历都预料到这一点了，那一年，切尼成为总统，世界从此毁灭。

“Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.’ When George Bush visited, he said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.’” – Jimmy Fallon

昨天，奥巴马登上长城，感慨道：太神奇了，让我联想到了滚滚前进的历史；当年小布什爬长城时说：太神奇了，让我联想起蜘蛛人爱爬的墙。

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.’” – Conan O’Brien

前总统切尼批评奥巴马不该对日本天皇行大礼，鞠躬那么深，切尼说：何必呢，他又不是埃克森集团的CEO。

“I don’t know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden’s 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn’t blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out.” – Jimmy Fallon

大伙知道吗？明天是我们副总统拜登67岁生日，每次过生日，他都不用吹蜡烛，就一直讲啊讲，蜡烛忍受不了自己就熄灭了。

“Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people.” – Seth Meyers

佩林开始了新书的宣传活动，这周在密歇根，有超过1000人来捧场，用福克斯新闻的话来说：50万人。
“Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It’s like fighting over whether or not to fight.” – Jimmy Fallon

这周末，参议院投票决定可以讨论医保计划。这叫啥事啊，好比先打一架来决定该不该打架。
“This week, Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan’s traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest.” – Jay Leno

本周阿富汗总统卡尔扎伊宣誓就职，他身着阿富汗传统服饰：是牢固纤维材料的裤子，头盔和防弹背心

But I think George W. Bush will be a great motivational speaker. I mean, look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!

我觉得布什是一个伟大的激励演讲者，你想啊，他激励了多少人去投民主党的票。
According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, “President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.” They say he’ll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting.

根据一份CNN的报道，“奥巴马即将作出对阿富汗的战略调整，有可能增加军队，也有可能减少军队，也有可能维持现有编制。”看，滴水不漏的报道。

奥巴马支持率降到46%，意味着54%的人不满他在任的表现，我觉得这根本就是不公平的，我们至少得等到他干点啥吧。

“President Obama is traveling to Asia this week. He’ll be making a trip to China. While he’s there, Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America’s money.” – Conan O’Brien

奥巴马本周出访亚洲，将访问中国，在那里奥巴马准备去参观下紫禁城，长城和我们美国的钱。

“President Obama left this morning on a ten day trip to Asia. He assigned his kids some important chores. He said that while he’s gone, Sasha has to walk the dog, and Malia has to walk Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马开始10天亚洲之行，他临走给孩子布置了重要的任务，他说：我不在的时候，Sasha你要遛狗，Malia你要溜拜登。

“Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, ‘New York will be broke by Christmas.’ Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, ‘Christmas? What’s your secret? How’d you last so long?’” – Jay Leno

纽约州长David Paterson发表震撼声明：纽约在圣诞节前要破产，加州州长斯瓦辛格听了：圣诞节？有啥秘诀吗，你们咋能挺那么长时间呢？

“In her new book, Sarah Palin claims that before John McCain chose her as his running mate, his campaign spent $50,000 on a background check. Yeah. When he heard this, John McCain said, we should have spent $75,000.” – Conan O’Brien

在佩林新书里，佩林说麦凯恩选择自己作为竞选搭档前花了5万美元做她的背景调查，麦凯恩听到后，后悔道：再花两万五就好了。

“Sarah Palin’s got that book out, that ‘Going Rogue.’ And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don’t worry, Sarah, I’m sure you’ll get another opportunity.” – David Letterman

佩林新书里说对麦凯恩很不满，因为大选出结果那晚他不让自己发表一个败选演讲，我觉得吧，别急，她肯定有机会的。

“Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn’t leave his family’s front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012.” –Jimmy Fallon

上周一11岁小男孩射杀一只在院里逗留的黑熊，事后，佩林想知道这小孩愿不愿意做自己2012年的竞选搭档。

“And then President Obama went to China and you know, China is the world’s third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah.” – David Letterman

奥巴马访问中国，中国是世界第三大经济体，仅次于日本和Oprah。

“In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.” – Conan O’Brien

佩林新书里写到，当她第一次看到日后的丈夫的时候，她说，“谢天谢地啊，太好了！”这跟民主党第一次看到竞选对手是她发出的感慨一样。

美国晚间脱口秀开场主持人先来Monologue，就是讲时事笑话，以下十个笑点比较常用，特举例说明。

0. 小布什很傻 1. 克林顿花心 2. 奥巴马爱秀 3. 切尼很好战 4. 拜登很墨迹

5. 佩林很幼稚 6. 拉里金很老 7. 福克斯很右 8. NBC收视差 9. 中国很强大

基本上算是按内容总结一下我翻译过的Monologue

0. 小布什很傻

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is working on his memoirs. People say when the book comes out President Bush is not going to be happy. Not because the book is critical of Bush, but because it’s one of those books that’s all words.” -Conan O’Brien

前副总统切尼在写回忆录，大家认为布什对这本书不会高兴，不是因为这本书批评了布什，而是因为这是一本全是字的书。

“Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush — the other way around.” – David Letterman

有来自明尼苏达的吗？恭喜，你们有了个新的参议员，我们的老朋友Al Franken，他可是个特搞笑的人，完成了从搞笑家到政治家的转变，布什，恰恰相反。

“President Obama giving a lot of very important speeches. He gave a speech about healthcare tonight, and yesterday he gave a pep talk to students. He told them that in order to succeed they need to work hard and study hard. Then today, former President George W. Bush presented the rebuttal.” – Conan O’Brien

奥巴马做了很多重要演讲，今晚他讲了医保问题，昨天他给了学生一个演讲，说要想成功就得努力学习努力工作，今天，布什站出来，用自己给了个反例。

The University of Chicago, where President Obama once taught law, they want to house the Barack Obama presidential library. The library will be just like President George W. Bush’s library, except it will have books.

芝加哥大学，奥巴马曾经教书的地方，决定建一座奥巴马图书馆，跟布什图书馆差不多，但是里面有书。

1. 克林顿花心

“In a speech to the Clinton Global Initiative yesterday, President Obama thanked Bill Clinton for the extraordinary difference he has made since leaving the White House. Clinton then stood up and thanked President Obama for keeping Hillary so busy.” – Jimmy Fallon

昨天在克林顿的Global Initiative年会上，奥巴马对克林顿离开白宫后所做的努力表示感谢，克林顿也感谢奥巴马让希拉里一直这么忙。

“Former President Bill Clinton was recently asked about his wife Hillary’s 11-day trip to Africa. And he said, ‘I wish she were home.’ Then he said, ‘By which, I mean, I wish her home was Africa.’” -Conan O’Brien

前总统克林顿最近谈到妻子希拉里11天的非洲行时说，我希望她能待在家。接着补充到：我是指，我希望非洲是她的家。

Yesterday in New York, President Obama had lunch with former President Clinton. Afterwards, Clinton told Obama, “Remember, if Hillary asks, we had lunch and dinner, then I slept over at your place.”

昨天奥巴马和克林顿在纽约共进午餐，饭后，克林顿跟奥巴马说，如果希拉里问的话，就说我们一起吃了午餐和晚餐，晚上我在你家睡的。

It’s a great day for America, everybody. Yes, it is. It is our Secretary of State’s birthday. It is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. Happy birthday, Hillary. President Obama asked her what she wanted, she said, “Your job.”

今天是重要的日子，我们国家国务卿希拉里的生日，奥巴马问她想要什么生日礼物，希拉里说：你的工作。

Bill Clinton is planning a romantic candlelight dinner tonight. Then he’ll go home and see Hillary.

克林顿准备了一顿烛光晚餐，吃完他就回家见希拉里。

Did you hear this? Hillary Clinton busted her elbow. Apparently, she slipped and hit the floor when she went home to her husband early, unannounced.

听说了吗？希拉里伤了胳膊，他提前没告诉克林顿就回家结果滑到摔倒了地板上。

2. 奥巴马爱秀

By the way, the Emmys was the only Sunday television program that President Obama was not on yesterday.

艾美颁奖典礼是昨晚奥巴马唯一没出现的节目。

“It was big night on television tonight. And instead of showing President Obama’s healthcare speech that was on tonight, Fox aired its season premiere of ‘So You Think You Can Dance.’ I guess they wanted to give viewers a choice between hearing what’s wrong with our country and watching what’s wrong with our country.” – Jimmy Fallon

今晚电视屏幕有重头戏，除了FOX，所有公共电台都会播出奥巴马关于医保的演讲，FOX决定播出新一季的“舞林大会”，这样观众可以选择是听我们国家哪里出了问题还是看我们国家哪里出了问题。

3. 切尼很好战

Some Republicans are saying they want Dick Cheney, that’s right, Dick Cheney, to run for president in 2012. Of course, you have to remember that when they said this, Cheney was torturing them.

一些共和党人希望切尼参加2012大选，当然你要知道这些人这么说是因为切尼正在对他们刑讯逼供。

“Hey, wait a minute, you know on Sunday, it’ll be 16 years that Paul and I and everybody else have been here at CBS on the ‘Late Show.’ Sixteen years, ladies and gentlemen. I’ve been torturing people longer than Dick Cheney.” – David Letterman

等一下，这个周日是我在CBS的Late Show十六周年的纪念日，十六年了啊，同志们，我比切尼折磨人的年头还长啊。

4. 拜登很墨迹

He talked so long, even Joe Biden went, “Enough!”

卡扎菲讲的时间实在是太长了，连副总统拜登都站出来说，“停吧”

Muammar Qaddafi was at the U.N. today. He gave a speech that was extremely long. It was rambling and filled with inappropriate comments. As soon as Qaddafi finished, Joe Biden came up and said, “Teach me, master.”

卡扎菲马拉松似的演讲，主题散乱而且胡说八道，他一讲完，拜登立刻跳上台：“师父，教教我吧”

“This is actually a true story. It was in the news today. The latest slang dictionary reports that the word Obama means ‘cool,’ as in ‘you are so Obama.’ Also gaining popularity: the phrase ’shut your Biden-hole.’” – Conan O’Brien

今天新闻上说，最新的俚语词典收录了Obama的一个新解释，酷，比如“你很奥巴马”，另外一个引起注意的词，“闭上你的‘拜登’眼”。

Yesterday, President Obama was in New Orleans. A little boy asked President Obama, “Why do people hate you?” Then the little boy turned to Joe Biden and said, “I know why people hate you.”

昨天，奥巴马在新奥尔良，有个小孩问他，为啥人们都恨你呢？然后小孩又转向拜登，我知道为啥人们都恨你。

“A very happy birthday to President Obama, who turns 48 tomorrow. As a special gift, Joe Biden is giving him 24 hours of complete silence.” – Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马生日过的很快乐，作为特殊礼物，副总统拜登24小时没说话。

5. 佩林很幼稚

“President Obama is in Russia. And we know this because Sarah Palin says she can see him from her house.” – David Letterman

奥巴马在俄罗斯访问，我们获悉这个消息是因为佩林从家里看到了他。

And then next month, Sarah Palin is going to Hong Kong for a speaking engagement in Hong Kong. She says she can almost see Hong Kong from her house.

下个月佩林将到香港演讲，她说她几乎能从家里看到香港。

Chinese are all very excited, though. They think they’re getting Tina Fey.

中国人民很高兴，因为他们以为是Tina Fey要来。

“It’s an emotional day. A lot of us are still mourning the loss of one of America’s most entertaining figures, who left us all too soon. But don’t worry, folks, Sarah Palin will be back. Comedians everywhere are praying.” – Conan O’Brien

这是伤感的一天，我们都在哀悼逝去的美国第一娱乐偶像MJ，他早早的离开了。但是不要担心，兄弟们，佩林来了，全国的搞笑家们都在祈祷。

“Labor day weekend. Remember Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska? She’s having a big cookout for all her family, all of her friends up there in Alaska. And people say, ‘Is she any good? Can she cook?’ Remember last year she cooked John McCain’s goose? Remember that? Tremendous!” – David Letterman

劳动节长周末，还记得佩林吗？阿拉斯加前州长，她亲自下厨招待全家和亲朋好友，有人问：她厨艺咋样，她会煮啥?  嘿嘿，还记得去年她煮飞了麦凯恩到手的鸭子。

Hey, listen to this. You know the former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin? Boy, I know her. She’s traveling all over the world now, speaking gigs. And she went to Hong Kong and gave a speech and people who heard the speech said it was articulate, it was well-prepared, it was compelling. It’s a year late, but …

前阿拉斯加州长佩林在周游世界，在香港做了个演讲，演讲说的很清晰准备很充分，效果很好，可惜啊可惜，晚了一年。

And if it was that good I’m thinking it must have been Tina Fey.

如果真是说得那么好的话，那肯定是Tina Fey（给的演讲）。

“Sarah Palin’s new autobiography doesn’t come out until November, but it is already No. 1 on Amazon. And if you go to the website, it says, ‘People who bought this book also bought no other books in their entire life.’” – Jimmy Fallon

佩林的自传将于11月份上架，但是已经在亚马逊上排第一名了，上面简介写着：买这本书的人都是一辈子没买过别的书的。

People see her as a candidate in 2012. Some people have started giving money to her campaign. For instance, she just received a very generous check from Barack Obama to run.

人们将佩林看做2012总统大选的热门人物，已经有人开始给她的选举捐钱了，比如，最近奥巴马捐了一大笔。

Her book is No. 1 on Amazon.com right now. Stephen King actually has the No. 2 book. Very scary new book called “Sarah Palin Becomes President.”

佩林新书在Amazon上排名第一，排名第二的书是斯蒂芬金写的一本恐怖小说，名字叫：佩林成为美国总统

6. 拉里金很老

“Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King.” –Conan O’Brien

这周日是复活节，复活节是全世界基督徒用来纪念2000多岁的那个不是拉里金的犹太人的节日。

Lou Dobbs quit his show at CNN. I know! Everyone at the network was shocked. Larry King said, “Who’s Lou Dobbs? What the hell is CNN?”

Lou Dobbs 从CNN辞职了，每个员工都感到震惊，只有拉里金问，谁是Lou Dobbs，CNN是什么？

“The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he’s kept Larry King alive all these years.” –Conan O’Brien

华盛顿邮报报道奥巴马提名Sanjay Gupta为卫生部长，奥巴马说这个来自CNN的医生一定很了不起，因为她让拉里金活了那么长时间。

7. 福克斯很右

Well, yesterday, President Obama was interviewed by a reporter from Fox News. Yeah. And you could tell the reporter was from Fox News because the first question was, “How do you think you’re doing as president on a scale from minus one to minus 10?”

昨天奥巴马接受FOX新闻台一个记者的采访，我们知道那是FOX新闻的记者因为他问了这么一个问题：-1到-10，总统先生，你给你的表现打多少分？

The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind the rest of us.

白宫宣布不承认FOX是一个新闻机构，白宫比我们反应慢了8年。

“The White House has approved a new plan to pay — they’re going to pay members of the Taliban to change sides and support the U.S. And if it works there, they’re going to try it with Fox News.” – Jay Leno
白宫通过一个新计划-花钱收买塔利班成员，让他们叛变投靠美国。如果这招奏效的话，就将其用在Fox新闻台。

Not such a great day for Hillary Clinton. She fell down, broke her elbow. You know, Fox News is going to be all over this story. This proves the Democrats are weak. Reagan fell over 10 times, didn’t even break his hair.

今天希拉里克林顿不怎么走运，她跌了一跤摔到了手肘，Fox电视台又要开始小题大做了，这证明了民主党太弱了，里根摔过十几次，毫发未损。

8. NBC收视差

Well, this terror stuff is back in the news. Earlier today, the feds issued a new terror alert. They said terrorists are looking at hitting successful entertainment centers, so you folks at NBC are perfectly safe.

又有恐怖袭击警报，今天早些时候，政府发布安全警报，说恐怖分子要袭击一些比较成功的娱乐中心，所以我们在NBC这里是安全的。

“The latest polls show that President Obama’s approval ratings have slumped to an all-time low, which explains Obama’s new Secret Service code name, ‘NBC.’” – Conan O’Brien

最新民调显示奥巴马支持率创历史新低，这解释了总统的新的秘密服务代号：NBC

More unrest in Iran as the government continues to crack down on protesters. And to disperse crowds, Iranian police used tear gas, water cannons and the NBC primetime lineup.

伊朗骚乱愈演愈烈，政府继续镇压抗议者，为了驱散人群，伊朗警察动用了催泪瓦斯，高压水枪和NBC的黄金时间节目阵容

9. 中国很强大

Labor Day is the great American holiday where we honor American workers by going out and buying products made in China.

劳动节，是劳动者的节日，我们通过购买中国制造的东西来纪念这一天。

Earlier today, President Obama delivered a speech to America’s schoolchildren. And he encouraged them to work hard and study hard. Yeah, then he said if that doesn’t work, grab the seat next to the Asian kid.

今天早些时候，奥巴马对全国学生讲话，他说：你们要刻苦学习，当然，如果做不到的话，考试的时候找一个亚洲学生，坐在他旁边。

“The President also said that kids — he told them if they study hard, the United States will continue to prosper. Then he added, ‘But just to be safe, bone up on your Chinese.’” – Jimmy Fallon

总统好说，如果大家都刻苦学习，美国将持续的繁荣昌盛，不过，为了安全起见，你们还是多练练汉语吧。

“Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke will serve four more years, or until the United States becomes a colony of China.” – David Letterman

美联储主席伯南克将连任，直到美国成为中国的殖民地。

Yesterday, President Obama made a big speech. He welcomed the members of the U.N. General Assembly to New York, and he said, “I’d like to encourage you to do some shopping while you’re here.” I think it worked because China immediately bought eight banks, two car companies, and the state of Wyoming.

昨天奥巴马在联合国大会上发表演说，他鼓励联合国的理事国们在这能购物一下，刚说完中国就决定买了八个银行，两个汽车厂和怀俄明州。