到哪里都是主场

“This oil spill in the Gulf keeps getting worse and worse. They’re calling it the greatest threat to New Orleans since George Bush was president.” –Jay Leno

墨西哥湾原油泄露事件情况越来越恶化，自从布什总统卸任以后，这是对新奥尔良最大的威胁。

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

不过也有好消息，原油价格每桶下降了12美元，是啊，要是能从海里舀出来的话，谁还花钱买呢。

“And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: ‘Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?’” –Jay Leno

从油井里露出的石油是最初预计的五倍，前总统布什听说后：等一下，你是说我们在墨西哥湾就有石油？

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

周一，BP承诺将竭尽全力承担所有清理费用，无论得把油价升到多高。

“This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.”  –David Letterman

石油泄露事件影响着每一个人，周末我去吃饭的时候点了海鲈鱼，他们问我是要常规的还是无铅的。

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

BP的灾后反应使得高盛的人看起来很有责任感。

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” –Jay Leno

科学家发明了一种以水为燃料的汽车，但前提是得用墨西哥湾的水。

“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” –Jay Leno

今天，BP的CEO说泄露事件对环境的影响会是非常小的。是啊，要是住在英国的话。

“It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the ‘Lost’ series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s definitely the worst leak of all time, right?’” –Jimmy Fallon

有传闻Lost大结局的剧本泄露了六页，BP高管听说后：这可是史上最大的泄露事件啊。

"So today you had lawyers, congressmen and bankers in the same room. That’s like the trifecta of lying." –Jay Leno          

今天高盛听证会，律师，议员和银行家同在一个屋里，撒谎界的三驾马车。

"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon

一名乘坐Delta航空从巴黎到亚特兰大的乘客宣称自己行李箱里有爆炸物，安保说这是联邦重罪，Delta航空说你得多付15块钱的携带炸弹费。

"Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China." –David Letterman

盖特纳展示了新版的百元钞票，就是想在把这些钱送到中国之前给我们看看。

"On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration." –David Letterman

1789年的今天，乔治华盛顿宣誓就职成为美国第一任总统，他也是唯一一个没有责备前任总统的总统。

"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman

伊朗独裁者内贾德今天在纽约市，所以，至少今天，市长布隆伯格不再是纽约市最矮的独裁者。

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

调查显示12%的父母通过不许孩子上社交网站的方式来惩罚他们，剩下的88%通过加入社交网站来惩罚孩子。

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama‘ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

德州的警察逮捕了一个犯人，此人用奥巴马的名字从35个ATM机器上投钱，被发现是一定的，因为奥巴马只会给银行钱，而不会从银行取钱（讽刺下奥巴马的对银行的bailout）

"Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he’d been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger." –Jay Leno

有人在时代广场企图引爆装在SUV车里的炸药，车是日产的探路者，大概犯罪分子认为要是用丰田车的话，那危险的就是他自己了。

"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

专家说炸药已经被安全清除，如果要是爆炸的话，给纽约造成的破坏堪比高盛。

"Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

警察突袭了他的家，据邻居说，嫌疑人告诉他们他是在华尔街工作的，发现实际上他只不过是个恐怖分子后，邻居们松了一口气。

"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I’ll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman

周末发生了很诡异的事情，一辆车停在了45街和broadway的路口，太诡异了，居然能在那儿找到停车位。

"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn’t in on it." –Jimmy Fallon

我们住到了时报广场恐怖袭击的犯罪嫌疑人，他交代整个事件都是一个人干的，确实是一个人，连炸药都没配合他。

"Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn’t the work of a stoner, I don’t know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

企图炸纽约时报广场未遂的那个犯罪嫌疑人脑子不怎么好使。首先，此人在淘宝上买了辆SUV，还用的是真实资料注册的账号，放入了一些烟花爆竹，然后又开了一辆车到纽约，作为逃跑用车，结果他把SUV开到时报广场离开后，发现逃跑用车的钥匙落在了SUV里，所以只能坐地铁回家，到家门口发现，自己房门钥匙也落在了SUV里，还是让房东开的门。这绝对是吸毒的人才能干出的事。

"We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within." –Jimmy Kimmel

我认为不应该抓他，应该放了他，让他加入塔利班，他能从内部瓦解塔利班。

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ … The Taliban said, ‘The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.’" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

一开始塔利班宣称对此次事件负责，后来犯罪嫌疑人浮出水面后，塔利班说：这跟我们没关，对美国搞破坏的话，我们会雇BP的（BP公司原油泄露在墨西哥湾）。

"Michelle Obama is going to be honored for her anti-obesity campaign at Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards, hosted by Kevin James. I mean, seriously — fighting obesity at a show hosted by Kevin James. That’s like fighting adultery at a show hosted by Jesse James." –Jimmy Fallon’

奥巴马夫人因为抗击肥胖而获的儿童选择奖，颁奖典礼由Kevin James（美国喜剧演员男星）主持，我擦，抗击肥胖的典礼由Kevin James主持，就好比反劈腿典礼由Jesse James（Bullock劈腿老公）来主持。

"President Obama was at a bookstore in Iowa yesterday and he bought a $37 pop-up book for Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ son. Gibbs said, ‘It’s a little expensive, sir’ and Obama said, ‘I can handle it.’ Then he called the president of China and said, ‘Can I borrow 37 bucks?’" –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马昨天在Iowa一个书店买了本37美元的立体书，送给自己新闻助理Gibbs的儿子，Gibbs说：有点贵啊，奥巴马说：没问题，看我的，于是打给胡主席：借我37美元？

"And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba." –Jay Leno

佛罗里达失业率达12.2%，你无法想象这已经糟糕到什么地步了，今天海岸警卫队抓住了50个准备从迈阿密游回古巴的古巴人。

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." –Jay Leno

上周末奥巴马突访阿富汗 ，我猜他在华盛顿待了14个月，迫切需要到一个安静平和点的地方。

"Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don’t know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods." –Jimmy Kimmel

周四是人口普查的截止日期，此次人口普查目的是能够调查到每个人，但如果你不知道你家里住了多少人，数一数ipods数量就行了。

"Well, according to ‘Newsweek,’ the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

根据新闻周刊，FBI宣布本拉登还很健康，还在指挥基地组织。今天，共和党人把这归罪于刚通过的医保方案。

"New York Governor David Paterson under investigation for accepting free Yankee tickets to the World Series last fall. If found guilty, could be sentenced to free Mets tickets." –Jay Leno

纽约州长Paterson接受调查，因为受贿扬基队的球票，如果有罪的话，将被判去看Mets队的比赛。

"Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." –Craig Ferguson

Rush Limbaugh说如果医保方案通过的话，他将离开美国，民主党很听到很沮丧，因为早知道的话，几年前就通过它了。

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election." –David Letterman

伊朗总统内贾德说911是伪造的，就像他的连任一样。

"But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O’Brien ever hosted ‘The Tonight Show.’" –David Letterman

但是内贾德完全是个混蛋，他甚至不承认Conan主持过今夜秀。

"Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles — because that’s the only safe place to stand." –Jimmy Kimmel

丰田表示将永远站在丰田车边上（支持自己的产品），因为那是唯一安全的地方。

"They have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman

奥斯卡今年有俩主持，谁说奥巴马没有创造就业岗位来着?

"Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for ‘The Hurt Locker’, which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, ‘How did you end it?’" –Jimmy Fallon

《拆弹部队》大获全胜，那是一部关于伊拉克战争的电影，所以奥巴马打电话给导演问：你们是怎么结束（拍摄）的？

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

Kathryn Biglow赢得最佳导演，在获奖演讲中，她忘了感谢造就这部电影最关键的两个人物，布什和切尼。

另外她没有首先感谢美利坚合众国，没有感谢民主党和共和党，遭到全场的嘘声。 – Duo Wang