墨西哥湾原油泄露事件情况越来越恶化，自从布什总统卸任以后，这是对新奥尔良最大的威胁。

“Hey, here’s some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?” –Jay Leno

不过也有好消息，原油价格每桶下降了12美元，是啊，要是能从海里舀出来的话，谁还花钱买呢。

“And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: ‘Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?’” –Jay Leno

从油井里露出的石油是最初预计的五倍，前总统布什听说后：等一下，你是说我们在墨西哥湾就有石油？

“On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices.” –Jay Leno

周一，BP承诺将竭尽全力承担所有清理费用，无论得把油价升到多高。

“This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded.”  –David Letterman

石油泄露事件影响着每一个人，周末我去吃饭的时候点了海鲈鱼，他们问我是要常规的还是无铅的。

“These people make Goldman Sachs look responsible, don’t they?” –Jay Leno

BP的灾后反应使得高盛的人看起来很有责任感。

“Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.” –Jay Leno

科学家发明了一种以水为燃料的汽车，但前提是得用墨西哥湾的水。

“I love this. On the news today, the CEO of British Petroleum says he believes the overall environmental impact of this oil spill will be very, very modest. Yeah. If you live in England!” –Jay Leno

今天，BP的CEO说泄露事件对环境的影响会是非常小的。是啊，要是住在英国的话。

“It’s rumored that six pages from the script of the ‘Lost’ series finale have leaked online. BP executives were like: ‘Oh my God! That’s definitely the worst leak of all time, right?’” –Jimmy Fallon

有传闻Lost大结局的剧本泄露了六页，BP高管听说后：这可是史上最大的泄露事件啊。

今天高盛听证会，律师，议员和银行家同在一个屋里，撒谎界的三驾马车。

"A man on a Delta flight from Paris to Atlanta claimed he had explosives in his luggage. Officials told the man it was a federal offense, while Delta told him he’d have to pay an extra $15 per carry-on bomb." –Jimmy Fallon

一名乘坐Delta航空从巴黎到亚特兰大的乘客宣称自己行李箱里有爆炸物，安保说这是联邦重罪，Delta航空说你得多付15块钱的携带炸弹费。

"Timothy Geithner has presented a new $100 bill. He wanted to show it to us before we send them all to China." –David Letterman

盖特纳展示了新版的百元钞票，就是想在把这些钱送到中国之前给我们看看。

"On this day in 1789, George Washington was sworn in as first president of the United States. He is the only president that has never blamed the problems of the country on the previous administration." –David Letterman

1789年的今天，乔治华盛顿宣誓就职成为美国第一任总统，他也是唯一一个没有责备前任总统的总统。

"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman

伊朗独裁者内贾德今天在纽约市，所以，至少今天，市长布隆伯格不再是纽约市最矮的独裁者。

"A new survey found that 12 percent of parents punish their kids by banning social networking sites. The other 88 percent punish their kids by joining social networking sites." –Jimmy Fallon

调查显示12%的父母通过不许孩子上社交网站的方式来惩罚他们，剩下的88%通过加入社交网站来惩罚孩子。

"Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias ‘Barack Obama‘ while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them." –Jimmy Fallon

德州的警察逮捕了一个犯人，此人用奥巴马的名字从35个ATM机器上投钱，被发现是一定的，因为奥巴马只会给银行钱，而不会从银行取钱（讽刺下奥巴马的对银行的bailout）

有人在时代广场企图引爆装在SUV车里的炸药，车是日产的探路者，大概犯罪分子认为要是用丰田车的话，那危险的就是他自己了。

"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

专家说炸药已经被安全清除，如果要是爆炸的话，给纽约造成的破坏堪比高盛。

"Anyway, police raided this guy’s house. I guess it’s in Bridgeport, Conn. Some of the neighbors say the suspect told them he worked on Wall Street, so they were relieved to find out he was just a terrorist." –Jay Leno

警察突袭了他的家，据邻居说，嫌疑人告诉他们他是在华尔街工作的，发现实际上他只不过是个恐怖分子后，邻居们松了一口气。

"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I’ll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman

周末发生了很诡异的事情，一辆车停在了45街和broadway的路口，太诡异了，居然能在那儿找到停车位。

"Hey, we caught a suspect in the failed Times Square attack. The suspect says he acted alone. Yeah, really alone. Even his bomb wasn’t in on it." –Jimmy Fallon

我们住到了时报广场恐怖袭击的犯罪嫌疑人，他交代整个事件都是一个人干的，确实是一个人，连炸药都没配合他。

"Hey, it turns out the prime suspect in the failed attempt to bomb Times Square is not the brightest. They figured out the events leading up to Saturday. First, Faisal Shahzad buys an SUV off Craigslist, using a traceable email, and fills it with, basically, wedding sparklers. Then he drives two different cars into New York — the one with the bomb in it and a getaway car. He plants the bomb but leaves the keys to the getaway car in the car with the bomb in it. So he has to take the subway home. And then, once he gets home, he realizes he also left the key to his apartment in the SUV with the bomb in it, and has to get his landlord to let him in. If this isn’t the work of a stoner, I don’t know what is." –Jimmy Kimmel

企图炸纽约时报广场未遂的那个犯罪嫌疑人脑子不怎么好使。首先，此人在淘宝上买了辆SUV，还用的是真实资料注册的账号，放入了一些烟花爆竹，然后又开了一辆车到纽约，作为逃跑用车，结果他把SUV开到时报广场离开后，发现逃跑用车的钥匙落在了SUV里，所以只能坐地铁回家，到家门口发现，自己房门钥匙也落在了SUV里，还是让房东开的门。这绝对是吸毒的人才能干出的事。

"We should probably let him out and go join the Taliban. He could destroy them from within." –Jimmy Kimmel

我认为不应该抓他，应该放了他，让他加入塔利班，他能从内部瓦解塔利班。

"At first the Taliban claimed credit and then as the week went on and we found out about this guy they said, ‘No, we have nothing to do with him.’ … The Taliban said, ‘The next time we want to wreak mass destruction on America, we’ll hire BP.’" –Bill Maher, on the failed Times Square terrorist bombing

一开始塔利班宣称对此次事件负责，后来犯罪嫌疑人浮出水面后，塔利班说：这跟我们没关，对美国搞破坏的话，我们会雇BP的（BP公司原油泄露在墨西哥湾）。

奥巴马夫人因为抗击肥胖而获的儿童选择奖，颁奖典礼由Kevin James（美国喜剧演员男星）主持，我擦，抗击肥胖的典礼由Kevin James主持，就好比反劈腿典礼由Jesse James（Bullock劈腿老公）来主持。

"President Obama was at a bookstore in Iowa yesterday and he bought a $37 pop-up book for Press Secretary Robert Gibbs’ son. Gibbs said, ‘It’s a little expensive, sir’ and Obama said, ‘I can handle it.’ Then he called the president of China and said, ‘Can I borrow 37 bucks?’" –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马昨天在Iowa一个书店买了本37美元的立体书，送给自己新闻助理Gibbs的儿子，Gibbs说：有点贵啊，奥巴马说：没问题，看我的，于是打给胡主席：借我37美元？

"And unemployment in Florida hit a record high of 12.2 percent. You want to know how bad it is down there? Today, the Coast Guard picked up 50 Cubans off the coast of Miami trying to swim back to Cuba." –Jay Leno

佛罗里达失业率达12.2%，你无法想象这已经糟糕到什么地步了，今天海岸警卫队抓住了50个准备从迈阿密游回古巴的古巴人。

"President Obama made a surprise visit to Afghanistan this past weekend. I guess after the last 14 months in Washington, he wanted to go someplace where there was less fighting." –Jay Leno

上周末奥巴马突访阿富汗 ，我猜他在华盛顿待了14个月，迫切需要到一个安静平和点的地方。

"Thursday is Census deadline day. The census would like every resident of the United States to fill out their form and mail it in. If you don’t know how many people live in your house, just count the number of iPods." –Jimmy Kimmel

周四是人口普查的截止日期，此次人口普查目的是能够调查到每个人，但如果你不知道你家里住了多少人，数一数ipods数量就行了。

"Well, according to ‘Newsweek,’ the FBI now says Osama bin Laden is healthy and giving the orders once again for al Qaeda. Today, Republicans blamed it on the new healthcare bill." –Jay Leno

根据新闻周刊，FBI宣布本拉登还很健康，还在指挥基地组织。今天，共和党人把这归罪于刚通过的医保方案。

纽约州长Paterson接受调查，因为受贿扬基队的球票，如果有罪的话，将被判去看Mets队的比赛。

"Rush Limbaugh says if the healthcare bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." –Craig Ferguson

Rush Limbaugh说如果医保方案通过的话，他将离开美国，民主党很听到很沮丧，因为早知道的话，几年前就通过它了。

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now says that 9/11, the attacks on the United States on 9/11, were fabricated. Like his re-election." –David Letterman

伊朗总统内贾德说911是伪造的，就像他的连任一样。

"But the guy seriously is nuts. He also denies that Conan O’Brien ever hosted ‘The Tonight Show.’" –David Letterman

但是内贾德完全是个混蛋，他甚至不承认Conan主持过今夜秀。

"Toyota says they’re standing beside their vehicles — because that’s the only safe place to stand." –Jimmy Kimmel

丰田表示将永远站在丰田车边上（支持自己的产品），因为那是唯一安全的地方。

"They have two hosts this year for the Academy Awards. Who says Obama isn’t creating jobs?" –David Letterman

奥斯卡今年有俩主持，谁说奥巴马没有创造就业岗位来着?

"Everyone watch the Oscars last night? Big night for ‘The Hurt Locker’, which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, ‘How did you end it?’" –Jimmy Fallon

《拆弹部队》大获全胜，那是一部关于伊拉克战争的电影，所以奥巴马打电话给导演问：你们是怎么结束（拍摄）的？

"Record ratings for the Oscars last night. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made — Bush and Cheney." –Jay Leno

Kathryn Biglow赢得最佳导演，在获奖演讲中，她忘了感谢造就这部电影最关键的两个人物，布什和切尼。

另外她没有首先感谢美利坚合众国，没有感谢民主党和共和党，遭到全场的嘘声。 – Duo Wang

最后，奥巴马认为很难跟共和党达成一致。你才意识到吗？告诉你吧，共和党的心思你别猜，你别猜。奥巴马的表现就像一个大学男生，浪费了一年时间，去追Ellen Degeneres。

"We have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn on the show tonight. When it comes to going downhill, nobody is faster. OK, except NBC." –Jay Leno

今晚嘉宾是冬奥会高山速降冠军Linsdey Vonn，说到速降，偶们NBC可是个中好手。

"Weren’t the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy." –David Letterman

冬奥会可好玩了，美国赢得了经济速降的金牌。

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it’s like to drive a Toyota." –Jimmy Fallon

我爱看冬奥会，因为有一些独一无二的项目，比如有舵雪橇(无刹车），唯一能给你乘坐丰田车感受的运动。

"President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer." –Jay Leno

布什今天说，在任期间，他经常祈祷上帝，我觉得，他当总统时，我们都在祈祷。

"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It’s called ‘What Would Dick Cheney Do?’" –Jay Leno

这周末，布什说他准备写一本关于自己在任期间如何做决策的书，我拿到了一个预印本，书名叫：《切尼会怎么做》。

"More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas." –Jay Leno

汽车业麻烦越来越多，通用宣布召回130万辆有操控问题的车，主要原因是，这些车躲不开对面开来的丰田。

民调显示，只有19%的孩子给奥巴马第一年的表现打了A，他女儿Malia听说后：这可是告诉爸爸我课上只得了D的最好机会。

“Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he’s the most popular African-American president in history” – Jimmy Kimmel

新闻一直说奥巴马的支持率下降了多少多少，但是别忘了他可是至今为止最受欢迎的非裔总统。

“Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.” – Jimmy Fallon

看这条，FBI宣布2009年全国抢劫银行人数下降了20%，但是，银行抢劫老百姓的行为增加了很多。

“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” – Jay Leno

沃尔玛宣布裁员11000人，沃尔玛这样做是因为大规模的裁员可以缩减裁员成本。

“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” – Jay Leno

一下裁了这么多人，但问题是，裁员通告用的是英语，所以所有员工都还在照常工作。

“The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.” – Jimmy Fallon

以色列在计划生产一种特殊的袜子，可以连续穿两周不变味，我大学室友以为他穿的袜子就是这样的呢。

Liz Cheney在福克斯新闻上说她爹，前副总统切尼应该竞选2012总统，实际上，玛雅人的日历都预料到这一点了，那一年，切尼成为总统，世界从此毁灭。

“Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.’ When George Bush visited, he said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.’” – Jimmy Fallon

昨天，奥巴马登上长城，感慨道：太神奇了，让我联想到了滚滚前进的历史；当年小布什爬长城时说：太神奇了，让我联想起蜘蛛人爱爬的墙。

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.’” – Conan O’Brien

前总统切尼批评奥巴马不该对日本天皇行大礼，鞠躬那么深，切尼说：何必呢，他又不是埃克森集团的CEO。

“I don’t know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden’s 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn’t blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out.” – Jimmy Fallon

大伙知道吗？明天是我们副总统拜登67岁生日，每次过生日，他都不用吹蜡烛，就一直讲啊讲，蜡烛忍受不了自己就熄灭了。

“Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people.” – Seth Meyers

佩林开始了新书的宣传活动，这周在密歇根，有超过1000人来捧场，用福克斯新闻的话来说：50万人。
“Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It’s like fighting over whether or not to fight.” – Jimmy Fallon

这周末，参议院投票决定可以讨论医保计划。这叫啥事啊，好比先打一架来决定该不该打架。
“This week, Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan’s traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest.” – Jay Leno

本周阿富汗总统卡尔扎伊宣誓就职，他身着阿富汗传统服饰：是牢固纤维材料的裤子，头盔和防弹背心

But I think George W. Bush will be a great motivational speaker. I mean, look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!

我觉得布什是一个伟大的激励演讲者，你想啊，他激励了多少人去投民主党的票。
According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, “President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.” They say he’ll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting.

根据一份CNN的报道，“奥巴马即将作出对阿富汗的战略调整，有可能增加军队，也有可能减少军队，也有可能维持现有编制。”看，滴水不漏的报道。

奥巴马支持率降到46%，意味着54%的人不满他在任的表现，我觉得这根本就是不公平的，我们至少得等到他干点啥吧。

“President Obama is traveling to Asia this week. He’ll be making a trip to China. While he’s there, Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America’s money.” – Conan O’Brien

奥巴马本周出访亚洲，将访问中国，在那里奥巴马准备去参观下紫禁城，长城和我们美国的钱。

“President Obama left this morning on a ten day trip to Asia. He assigned his kids some important chores. He said that while he’s gone, Sasha has to walk the dog, and Malia has to walk Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马开始10天亚洲之行，他临走给孩子布置了重要的任务，他说：我不在的时候，Sasha你要遛狗，Malia你要溜拜登。

“Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, ‘New York will be broke by Christmas.’ Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, ‘Christmas? What’s your secret? How’d you last so long?’” – Jay Leno

纽约州长David Paterson发表震撼声明：纽约在圣诞节前要破产，加州州长斯瓦辛格听了：圣诞节？有啥秘诀吗，你们咋能挺那么长时间呢？

“In her new book, Sarah Palin claims that before John McCain chose her as his running mate, his campaign spent $50,000 on a background check. Yeah. When he heard this, John McCain said, we should have spent $75,000.” – Conan O’Brien

在佩林新书里，佩林说麦凯恩选择自己作为竞选搭档前花了5万美元做她的背景调查，麦凯恩听到后，后悔道：再花两万五就好了。

“Sarah Palin’s got that book out, that ‘Going Rogue.’ And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don’t worry, Sarah, I’m sure you’ll get another opportunity.” – David Letterman

佩林新书里说对麦凯恩很不满，因为大选出结果那晚他不让自己发表一个败选演讲，我觉得吧，别急，她肯定有机会的。

“Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn’t leave his family’s front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012.” –Jimmy Fallon

上周一11岁小男孩射杀一只在院里逗留的黑熊，事后，佩林想知道这小孩愿不愿意做自己2012年的竞选搭档。

“And then President Obama went to China and you know, China is the world’s third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah.” – David Letterman

奥巴马访问中国，中国是世界第三大经济体，仅次于日本和Oprah。

“In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.” – Conan O’Brien

佩林新书里写到，当她第一次看到日后的丈夫的时候，她说，“谢天谢地啊，太好了！”这跟民主党第一次看到竞选对手是她发出的感慨一样。

纽约和费城的棒球总决赛，大家都很兴奋吧，纽约参议员Charles Schumer跟宾州参议员Arlen Specter打赌，赌注是纽约的芝士蛋糕和费城的芝士牛排，所以，无论谁赢，会有个人死于心脏病。

Yesterday, former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, “The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.”

昨天，前总统布什给了第一次激励演讲，结束之后布什说，看来观众大受鼓励，很多人没听完就走了。

And Osama bin Laden’s ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. Even terrorists get scared when their ex-wives write a book.

本拉登前妻写了本关于他的书，连恐怖分子都害怕前妻出书。

“CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain” – Jimmy Fallon

CBS新闻报道说奥巴马准备再派遣40000军队到阿富汗，奥巴马表示这是为了履行竞选承诺，麦凯恩的承诺。

“Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” – Craig Ferguson

Google宣布准备在全国所有机场提供互联网入口，太好了，因为现在在机场唯一能看A片的方法是跟着一个参议员进卫生间（前段时间有参议员在机场卫生间有不轨行为）。

“It’s been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” – Conan O’Brien

据报道著名反移民旗帜Lou Dobbs离开了CNN，实际情况是，他被一个叫胡安的人代替了，胡安做同样的事情，但是每小时只要5美元。

“Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That’s what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce.” – Conan O’Brien

前总统克林顿跟民主党参议员谈起医保方案，他说你们千万不能再犯我和希拉里犯过的错误了，结果，这些参议员回家就都离婚了。

“I found out this by reading her memoir ‘Going Rogue,’ the Sarah Palin memoir, ‘Going Rogue.’ Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East.” – David Letterman

读了佩林的回忆录《Going Rogue》我发现，这个前阿拉斯加的州长，认为柏林墙是砌在Kanye West和Kanye East之间的。