到哪里都是主场

"At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn’t think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You’re just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they’re not that into you. Obama’s like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres." -Bill Maher

最后，奥巴马认为很难跟共和党达成一致。你才意识到吗？告诉你吧，共和党的心思你别猜，你别猜。奥巴马的表现就像一个大学男生，浪费了一年时间，去追Ellen Degeneres。

"We have one of the gold medal winners, Olympic skier Linsdey Vonn on the show tonight. When it comes to going downhill, nobody is faster. OK, except NBC." –Jay Leno

今晚嘉宾是冬奥会高山速降冠军Linsdey Vonn，说到速降，偶们NBC可是个中好手。

"Weren’t the Winter Olympics fantastic? The U.S. won a gold medal in downhill economy." –David Letterman

冬奥会可好玩了，美国赢得了经济速降的金牌。

I like the Winter Olympics because you get to see sports you never see anywhere else, like bobsledding. Bobsledding is the only sport that shows us what it’s like to drive a Toyota." –Jimmy Fallon

我爱看冬奥会，因为有一些独一无二的项目，比如有舵雪橇(无刹车），唯一能给你乘坐丰田车感受的运动。

"President Bush said today he often turned to prayer during his presidency. Hey, I think we all turned to prayer." –Jay Leno

布什今天说，在任期间，他经常祈祷上帝，我觉得，他当总统时，我们都在祈祷。

"And over the weekend, President Bush said that he is writing a book about how he made decisions while he was president. We have an advanced copy of it here. It’s called ‘What Would Dick Cheney Do?’" –Jay Leno

这周末，布什说他准备写一本关于自己在任期间如何做决策的书，我拿到了一个预印本，书名叫：《切尼会怎么做》。

"More problems with the auto industry. General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million cars because of a steering problem. Apparently, the cars are unable to steer out of the path of oncoming Toyotas." –Jay Leno

汽车业麻烦越来越多，通用宣布召回130万辆有操控问题的车，主要原因是，这些车躲不开对面开来的丰田。

“A new survey found that only 19% of kids give President Obama an ‘A’ on his first year in office. Malia was like, ‘This is the best possible day to tell dad about my ‘D’ in social studies.’” – Jimmy Fallon

民调显示，只有19%的孩子给奥巴马第一年的表现打了A，他女儿Malia听说后：这可是告诉爸爸我课上只得了D的最好机会。

“Cable news, everyone keeps talking about how much his approval rating has dropped, but he’s the most popular African-American president in history” – Jimmy Kimmel

新闻一直说奥巴马的支持率下降了多少多少，但是别忘了他可是至今为止最受欢迎的非裔总统。

“Listen to this: In 2009, the F.B.I. reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people.” – Jimmy Fallon

看这条，FBI宣布2009年全国抢劫银行人数下降了20%，但是，银行抢劫老百姓的行为增加了很多。

“Wal-Mart announced it’s cutting over 11,000 jobs. Wal-Mart said it’s cheaper to fire people in bulk.” – Jay Leno

沃尔玛宣布裁员11000人，沃尔玛这样做是因为大规模的裁员可以缩减裁员成本。

“That’s an amazing amount of people: 11,000 jobs. The problem is they made the announcement in English, so everybody kept showing up for work.” – Jay Leno

一下裁了这么多人，但问题是，裁员通告用的是英语，所以所有员工都还在照常工作。

“The Israeli army is planning to give its soldiers special new socks that can be worn for two weeks straight without smelling. In other words, they created the socks my college roommate thought he had.” – Jimmy Fallon

以色列在计划生产一种特殊的袜子，可以连续穿两周不变味，我大学室友以为他穿的袜子就是这样的呢。

“Liz Cheney said on Fox News that her father, former Vice President Dick Cheney, should run for president in 2012. In fact, that’s apparently in the Mayan calendar too, you know. Cheney becomes president, and then the whole world ends. That’s exactly what happens.” – Jay Leno

Liz Cheney在福克斯新闻上说她爹，前副总统切尼应该竞选2012总统，实际上，玛雅人的日历都预料到这一点了，那一年，切尼成为总统，世界从此毁灭。

“Yesterday, President Obama visited the Great Wall of China. He said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of the sweep of history.’ When George Bush visited, he said, ‘It’s magical. It reminds you of something Spider-Man would love to climb.’” – Jimmy Fallon

昨天，奥巴马登上长城，感慨道：太神奇了，让我联想到了滚滚前进的历史；当年小布什爬长城时说：太神奇了，让我联想起蜘蛛人爱爬的墙。

“Former Vice President Dick Cheney is in the news. Cheney slammed President Obama for bowing before the emperor of Japan. Cheney said, ‘Come on, it’s not like he’s the CEO of Exxon.’” – Conan O’Brien

前总统切尼批评奥巴马不该对日本天皇行大礼，鞠躬那么深，切尼说：何必呢，他又不是埃克森集团的CEO。

“I don’t know if you guys know this, but tomorrow is Vice President Joe Biden’s 67th birthday. Whenever he gets a birthday cake, he doesn’t blow out the candles, he just talks and talks until the candles decide to put themselves out.” – Jimmy Fallon

大伙知道吗？明天是我们副总统拜登67岁生日，每次过生日，他都不用吹蜡烛，就一直讲啊讲，蜡烛忍受不了自己就熄灭了。

“Sarah Palin launched her book tour this week with a stop in Michigan, where more than 1,000 people waited to meet her. Or, as Fox News reported it, half a million people.” – Seth Meyers

佩林开始了新书的宣传活动，这周在密歇根，有超过1000人来捧场，用福克斯新闻的话来说：50万人。
“Over the weekend, the Senate voted to allow debate on the healthcare bill. Can you believe that? It’s like fighting over whether or not to fight.” – Jimmy Fallon

这周末，参议院投票决定可以讨论医保计划。这叫啥事啊，好比先打一架来决定该不该打架。
“This week, Afghanistan’s President Hamid Karzai was sworn in wearing Afghanistan’s traditional clothing: Kevlar pants, a helmet and bulletproof vest.” – Jay Leno

本周阿富汗总统卡尔扎伊宣誓就职，他身着阿富汗传统服饰：是牢固纤维材料的裤子，头盔和防弹背心

But I think George W. Bush will be a great motivational speaker. I mean, look how many people he motivated to vote Democrat. So there you go!

我觉得布什是一个伟大的激励演讲者，你想啊，他激励了多少人去投民主党的票。
According to a report on CNN today — this is a report on CNN today, and I quote, “President Obama is close to formulating a new strategy for Afghanistan.” They say he’ll either decide to add more troops, reduce the number of troops or keep the troop levels the same. Good, solid reporting.

根据一份CNN的报道，“奥巴马即将作出对阿富汗的战略调整，有可能增加军队，也有可能减少军队，也有可能维持现有编制。”看，滴水不漏的报道。

“President Obama’s approval rating down to 46 percent. That means 54 percent of the people do not approve of the job he’s doing, which I think is totally unfair. We should at least wait until he actually does something.” – Jay Leno

奥巴马支持率降到46%，意味着54%的人不满他在任的表现，我觉得这根本就是不公平的，我们至少得等到他干点啥吧。

“President Obama is traveling to Asia this week. He’ll be making a trip to China. While he’s there, Obama plans to visit the Forbidden City, the Great Wall, and America’s money.” – Conan O’Brien

奥巴马本周出访亚洲，将访问中国，在那里奥巴马准备去参观下紫禁城，长城和我们美国的钱。

“President Obama left this morning on a ten day trip to Asia. He assigned his kids some important chores. He said that while he’s gone, Sasha has to walk the dog, and Malia has to walk Biden.” – Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马开始10天亚洲之行，他临走给孩子布置了重要的任务，他说：我不在的时候，Sasha你要遛狗，Malia你要溜拜登。

“Gov. David Paterson made a shocking statement today. He said, ‘New York will be broke by Christmas.’ Today, Gov. Schwarzenegger said, ‘Christmas? What’s your secret? How’d you last so long?’” – Jay Leno

纽约州长David Paterson发表震撼声明：纽约在圣诞节前要破产，加州州长斯瓦辛格听了：圣诞节？有啥秘诀吗，你们咋能挺那么长时间呢？

“In her new book, Sarah Palin claims that before John McCain chose her as his running mate, his campaign spent $50,000 on a background check. Yeah. When he heard this, John McCain said, we should have spent $75,000.” – Conan O’Brien

在佩林新书里，佩林说麦凯恩选择自己作为竞选搭档前花了5万美元做她的背景调查，麦凯恩听到后，后悔道：再花两万五就好了。

“Sarah Palin’s got that book out, that ‘Going Rogue.’ And she says that she was upset with John McCain because at the end of the election night, the McCain people would not let her deliver a concession speech. And I thought, don’t worry, Sarah, I’m sure you’ll get another opportunity.” – David Letterman

佩林新书里说对麦凯恩很不满，因为大选出结果那晚他不让自己发表一个败选演讲，我觉得吧，别急，她肯定有机会的。

“Last week, an 11-year-old boy shot and killed a black bear that wouldn’t leave his family’s front porch. Right after that, Sarah Palin wanted to know if he would be her running mate for 2012.” –Jimmy Fallon

上周一11岁小男孩射杀一只在院里逗留的黑熊，事后，佩林想知道这小孩愿不愿意做自己2012年的竞选搭档。

“And then President Obama went to China and you know, China is the world’s third largest economy, right behind Japan and Oprah.” – David Letterman

奥巴马访问中国，中国是世界第三大经济体，仅次于日本和Oprah。

“In Sarah Palin’s new book, she says when she first laid eyes on her future husband, she said out loud, ‘Thank you, God,’ which is the same thing the Democrats said when they first laid eyes on Sarah Palin.” – Conan O’Brien

佩林新书里写到，当她第一次看到日后的丈夫的时候，她说，“谢天谢地啊，太好了！”这跟民主党第一次看到竞选对手是她发出的感慨一样。

Anyone here excited about the Yankees-Phillies World Series game? Here’s the latest. Senator Charles Schumer of New York is betting Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter a case of New York cheesecakes versus a case of Philadelphia cheese steaks. So whoever wins the bet will die of a heart attack.

纽约和费城的棒球总决赛，大家都很兴奋吧，纽约参议员Charles Schumer跟宾州参议员Arlen Specter打赌，赌注是纽约的芝士蛋糕和费城的芝士牛排，所以，无论谁赢，会有个人死于心脏病。

Yesterday, former President George W. Bush made his debut as a motivational speaker. Afterwards, Bush said, “The crowd was so motivated, many of them left halfway through.”

昨天，前总统布什给了第一次激励演讲，结束之后布什说，看来观众大受鼓励，很多人没听完就走了。

And Osama bin Laden’s ex-wife has written a tell-all book about the terrorist. Even terrorists get scared when their ex-wives write a book.

本拉登前妻写了本关于他的书，连恐怖分子都害怕前妻出书。

“CBS News is reporting that President Obama has decided to send 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Obama says it’s all part of his plan to finally deliver on the campaign promises made by John McCain” – Jimmy Fallon

CBS新闻报道说奥巴马准备再派遣40000军队到阿富汗，奥巴马表示这是为了履行竞选承诺，麦凯恩的承诺。

“Google has announced that they’re going to give free Internet access in airports all across the country. It’s fantastic! Up until now, the only way to see something pornographic at an airport was to follow a senator into the bathroom.” – Craig Ferguson

Google宣布准备在全国所有机场提供互联网入口，太好了，因为现在在机场唯一能看A片的方法是跟着一个参议员进卫生间（前段时间有参议员在机场卫生间有不轨行为）。

“It’s been reported that outspoken anti-immigration anchor Lou Dobbs is leaving CNN. Yeah. True story, yeah. He’ll be replaced by a guy named Juan, who will do the same job for $5 an hour.” – Conan O’Brien

据报道著名反移民旗帜Lou Dobbs离开了CNN，实际情况是，他被一个叫胡安的人代替了，胡安做同样的事情，但是每小时只要5美元。

“Former President Bill Clinton talked to Senate Democrats about the healthcare bill. And he told them not to make the same mistakes he and Hillary did. That’s what he said, yeah. As a result, the senators all went home and got a divorce.” – Conan O’Brien

前总统克林顿跟民主党参议员谈起医保方案，他说你们千万不能再犯我和希拉里犯过的错误了，结果，这些参议员回家就都离婚了。

“I found out this by reading her memoir ‘Going Rogue,’ the Sarah Palin memoir, ‘Going Rogue.’ Sarah Palin, former governor of Alaska, believes the Berlin wall ran between Kanye West and Kanye East.” – David Letterman

读了佩林的回忆录《Going Rogue》我发现，这个前阿拉斯加的州长，认为柏林墙是砌在Kanye West和Kanye East之间的。