到哪里都是主场

"Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander." –Conan O’Brien

特朗普说平时用海飞丝洗头。结果海飞丝起诉特朗普诽谤。

The number of millionaires in the U.S. is expected to double by the year 2020. Of course, by then, being a millionaire will just mean you have a full tank of gas. –Jimmy Fallon

到2020年美国的百万富翁将是现在的两倍。当然，到那个时候，作为一个百万富翁只意味着你有一满箱油。

"According to TMZ, Arnold Schwarzenegger is willing to do anything to get his wife, Maria Shriver, back. He’s even willing to learn English." –Jay Leno

根据八卦网站报道，施瓦辛格愿意付出任何代价换回妻子。甚至学英语都行。

"Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? The only one that hasn’t had three wives is Mitt Romney — and he’s the Mormon!" –Jay Leno

你看到共和党的这些候选人了吗？唯一一个拥有少于三任妻子的是罗姆尼，还是摩门教徒。

"Isn’t it odd how history’s greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson

历史上最坏的怪物都有艺术细胞：拉登是个作家，希特勒是个画家，贾斯汀比伯是个歌手。

"The Taliban is now on Twitter. So if they start following you, go hide someplace where no one will find you … like MySpace or Friendster." –Jimmy Kimmel

塔利班开了twitter账号，如果关注了你的话，你最好跑到没人能找到的地方，比如Myspace。

A Dairy Queen in Canada broke a world record this week by creating a 10-ton ice cream dessert. Or as we call that in America, “a medium.” –Jimmy Fallon

加拿大的奶黄公司制作了一个十吨重的冰激凌，这破了世界纪录。在美国我们管那叫做：中号。

"In a new interview, President Obama said that killing Osama bin Laden does not secure his 2012 re-election. Yeah, that’s been taken care of by the current field of Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

奥巴马接受采访时说杀掉拉登并不能保证自己2012年连任总统。是的，是现在的那些共和党候选人保证的。

"The United States has hit the debt ceiling. Do you know what that means? Neither do I. I do think it would be wise for all of us to learn to speak Chinese." –David Letterman

美国已经达到负债的最高值，你知道这意味着什么吗？我也不知道，但我觉得明智的话现在我们都应该去学汉语。

"The Navy SEALs found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden’s bedroom. Must have been tricky. It’s hard enough to hide porn from one wife." –Craig Ferguson

海豹突击队在拉登卧室发现大量色情录像带。拉登肯定很不容易，有一个妻子的情况下隐藏都很难的。

1. 庆祝清华大学建校100周年大会在人民大会堂举行。举办地点太让人不可理解了，居然是在国内。

2. 据报道，北京警方已掌握演艺界的吸毒艺人名单，当中包括两位影后、两位影帝及知名大导等多人。我对中国电影界绝望了，吸毒都没拍出来好片子。

3. 北京师范大学珠海分校学生因为牙膏的琐事起争执，发生持刀捅人事件。估计是讨论牙膏管口增加十分之一能否提升销量而引起的争执。

4. 婚恋网站世纪佳缘提交赴美上市申请。我们找不到对象这个事都能被用来圈钱。

5. 重庆要求人人学唱36首红歌。一个老百姓要学会唱36首歌，这比对偶像歌星的要求高多了。

6. 广东称暂未发现肉企使用牛肉膏做假牛肉行为。想像一下这个技术已经有多发达了。

7. 苹果手机被曝光可以秘密记录用户的详细位置历史。如果机主是在读博士的话，线路会是一个三角形。

8. 今天是世界读书日。我们通过上微博来庆祝。

9. 今天是世界读书日。在中国是读盗版书日。

10. 威廉与凯特的婚礼可为英国增加62亿英镑收入。皇家婚礼随份子就是狠。

11. 前段时间女明星都结婚，是怕在皇室婚礼之后再办显得寒碜。

12. 威廉王子和凯特是在圣安德鲁斯大学读书期间认识的。那一定是因为抄作业认识的。

13. 本拉登因为不倒垃圾被发现而送了命，这对每个人都是个教训。尤其是合租的。

14. 国家部委部分80后干部将到北京街道任职。这将是史上第一次由独生子女来宣传计划生育。

15. 武汉要求公务员退还被滥发津补贴数千万。唯一能让公务员交出钱的办法是：告诉他组织在考虑提拔你。

16. 2011城市竞争力报告显示，石家庄市民幸福感排名第一。他们幸福感主要来自看着邻居北京人民每天堵车和高房价。

17. 人人网纽约上市，陈一舟身价达24亿美元。扎克伯格说：我的成功可以复制。

18. 京沪高铁昨日试验运行全程耗时288分钟。以后从北京到上海的时间将主要耗在去火车站的路上。

19. Facebook承认聘请公关公司制造谷歌负面新闻。百度也干过这事，聘请的是中国政府。

20. 芮成钢在微博上称故宫的建福宫已被改成一个为全球顶级富豪们独享的私人会所，500席会籍面向全球限量发售。入门条件是接受过芮成钢的采访。

In the wake of President Obama’s decision to not release pictures of Osama bin Laden’s body, a number of new conspiracy theories are surfacing claiming that bin Laden is not really dead. Which means Barack Obama will go down in history as the first black person ever to have to prove that he killed someone." –Seth Meyers

因为奥巴马决定不公开本拉登的死亡照片，几种阴谋论开始传播说实际上拉登并没有死。这意味着奥巴马将成为历史上第一位需要证明自己杀人的黑人。

"Apparently, Osama bin Laden was living in a mansion with no phone and no cable for six years. He’d been waiting for six years for the Time-Warner guy to show up." –David Letterman

拉登生活在6年没有电话和网络的屋子里，他已经等了时代华纳公司的装线工6年了。

Eighty-five-year-old Hugh Hefner and his 25-year-old fiancée Crystal Harris have sent out the invitations for their June 18 wedding. That’s right, she told guests to wear white — but bring black, just in case. –Jimmy Fallon

85岁得花花公子创始人海夫纳和他25岁得未婚妻哈里斯已经寄出了6月份婚礼的邀请。邀请信上哈里斯告诉大家要穿白色，但是记着带上黑衣服，以防万一。

"Washington, D.C. has a new program that would pay residents $12,000 to move closer to their workplace. It’s already a huge hit — in fact just today, 3,000 prostitutes moved in right across from Congress." –Jimmy Fallon

首都华盛顿计划为搬家至工作地点更近的居民发放12000美元的奖金。很多人已经搬了，今天3000名妓女搬到了国会对面。

"The death of Osama bin Laden has apparently damaged our relationship with al Qaeda. Al Qaeda says we’re going to pay for Osama bin Laden’s death. I’m pretty sure we did. We even took care of funeral arrangements. Maybe a thank you would be nice." –Jimmy Kimmel

本拉登的死显然使我们与基地组织的关系恶化了，基地组织宣称要让我们为拉登的死付出代价，我们已经付出代价了，葬礼我们都管了，他们应该说一声谢谢才对。

"They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world." –Craig Ferguson

两人已经结婚四分之一世纪了，在好莱坞，结婚25年相当于普通世界里结婚了200年。

"The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds can’t be terrorists — unless you’re sitting next to one on a flight." –Jay Leno

因为对一个两岁小孩进行安检，美国运输管理局广受批评。大家认为2岁的孩子不会是恐怖分子，除非在飞机上他坐你边上。

"Have you seen the video of Osama bin Laden? He was wearing a Snuggie, drinking a Coke and flipping through the channels on TV. I thought he hated the American lifestyle. He was LIVING the American lifestyle." –Jay Leno

你们看到拉登的视频了嘛？他穿着随意，喝着可乐，不停地换着频道。我以为他恨美国式的生活呢，看来他一直过的就是美国生活。

"Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Laden’s wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show." –Jay Leno

巴基斯坦同意美国采访本拉登的妻子，只要美国不把这事变成一个真人秀。

"The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yeah, not anymore." –Jay Leno

巴基斯坦内政部长说巴基斯坦没有什么可以隐藏的。是的，不再有了。

Happy birthday to Jay Leno. Sixty-one years ago he was born on this day. His chin was born two days earlier. –Craig Ferguson

祝Jay Leno生日快乐，61年前的今天他出生了。61年前的前天他的下巴就出生。

A new poll found that Donald Trump is ahead of Mitt Romney as the most popular Republican presidential candidate for 2012. Trump called it “great news,” while Obama called it “great news.” –Jimmy Fallon

民调显示特朗普在共和党候选人中处于领先。特朗普认为这是个好消息，奥巴马也认为这是个好消息。

"NATO bombed Gadhafi’s compound in Tripoli. The bombing damaged countless antique rugs and curtains, leaving Gadhafi with absolutely nothing to wear." –Jay Leno

北约轰炸了卡扎菲在的黎波里的住处，爆炸毁坏了无数老式地毯和窗帘，卡扎菲都没有东西可穿了。

Southwest Airlines closed a $1 billion deal yesterday to buy AirTran. Yeah, that’s a smart business move — eliminate the only airline that was keeping you from being the world’s worst airline. –Jimmy Fallon

西南航空公司出价10亿美元买下空中航空公司。这绝对是个聪明的收购-消灭让你成为世界最差航空公司的唯一阻碍。

A 90-year-old woman and a 100-year-old man recently became the oldest couple ever to get married. Yeah, it was really sweet. First the couple exchanged vows, then they exchanged teeth. –Jimmy Kimmel

最近一位90岁的女子和100岁男子结婚，成为世界上年龄最大的新婚夫妇。他们先是交换了誓言，然后交换了假牙。

"Hillary Clinton said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was ’38 of the most intense minutes.’ Which can only mean one thing: she’s never had to assemble a chair from Ikea." –Jimmy Fallon

希拉里说观看突袭本拉登的38分钟是人生最紧张的一段时间。这意味着：她没有组装过宜家的椅子。

"The White House says there’s no chance they’ll release the death photos. Unless Obama starts to slip in the polls." –Jay Leno

白宫表示绝不会公开本拉登死亡照片，除非奥巴马的支持率下降。

"The important thing for people to know is that I’m gonna be runnin’ for president every four years for the rest of my life. It’s my Olympics and I intend to win a whole bunch of silvers." –Tina Fey as Sarah Palin

重要的是大家要知道我余生每四年都将竞选总统。这是我的奥林匹克，我准备赢一堆银牌。

"First I want to acknowledge that this week we finally vanquished one of the world’s great villains. And I for one am thrilled to say good riddance to Katie Couric." –Tina Fey, reprising her Sarah Palin impression on SNL

首先我要感谢，本周我们消灭了世界上最坏的人之一。再见了-Katie Couric

"The unemployment rate went up last month for the first time since November. But on the bright side, I hear a senior management position just opened up at al-Qaida." –Jimmy Fallon

自从去年11月以来，失业率第一次上升。好消息是，听说基地组织的一个高管职位有空缺。

"The Industrial Revolution destroyed the environment, but now we’re not destroying it as much as we used to. We’re concentrating on destroying the economy instead." –Craig Ferguson

工业革命破坏了环境，不过现在已经没有那么严重了。我们现在集中破坏经济。

"St. Louis International Airport was hit directly by a tornado. They determined that tornadoes are no longer a danger, and now we can go back to being endangered by sleeping air traffic controllers." –Jimmy Kimmel

圣路易斯国际机场遭龙卷风袭击。后来确认龙卷风的威胁已过，机场的主要威胁回到了爱睡觉的空管员手中。

"In the survey of happiest countries, Denmark, Sweden and Finland were the top three. U.S. came in 12th. Imagine how far our ranking will fall if we ever hear the words ‘President Trump.’" –Craig Ferguson

最幸福国家排名中，丹麦瑞典和芬兰位居前三，美国排第12。想象一下如果以后特朗普成为美国总统的话我们的排名得降多少。

"Hey, who’s excited about the Royal Wedding? I’m conflicted. I can’t figure out whether I don’t care or whether I couldn’t care less. I think we’re all more excited about the royal divorce." –David Letterman

谁对皇家婚礼感兴趣？我很纠结，不知道我是不在乎还是太在乎了。我觉得我们对皇家离婚更感兴趣。

"A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating is down to 41 percent. A lot of people that voted for him now say they liked him a lot better when he was a Democrat." –Jay Leno

民意调查显示奥巴马的支持率下降到了41%。很多当年投过他票的人说更喜欢奥巴马是民主党的时候。

"Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has announced that he will run for president in 2012. His campaign slogan: ‘Even I’ve never heard of me.’" –Jay Leno

前新墨西哥州长加里约翰逊宣布参加2012年大选。他的竞选口号是：“连我自己都没听说过我自己”。

"It was just revealed that Donald Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over 20 years. Or in simpler terms, Trump hasn’t voted in primary elections in over three wives." –Jimmy Fallon

据报道特朗普20年没有在总统选举时投过票。简单地说，他在三任妻子期间都没投过票。

"The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump." –Jay Leno

好消息是，奥巴马出生在美国。坏消息是，特朗普也出生在美国。

"Donald Trump said he still wants to look more closely at Obama’s birth certificate to make sure that it’s real. Incidentally, President Obama said the same exact thing about Donald Trump’s hair." –Jimmy Fallon

特朗普说他得仔细的看看奥巴马的出生证明，以确定是真的。巧合的是，奥巴马也是这么说特朗普的头发的。

President Obama’s approval rating is so low, Kenyans are thrilled to find out he was actually born in Hawaii. –Jay Leno

奥巴马的支持率如此之低，以至于肯尼亚人民知道他出生在夏威夷后很高兴。