不是翻译，只是部分注释，原文黑色，注释蓝色
My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.
因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。
I grew up in China. Who didn’t?
我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。
Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。
另外提到rice paddy，呼应后文自己在rice university读phd。
My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”
形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。
In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.
that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好，因为前面提到rice paddy，所以强调一下这个不是笑话，是真的。bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身的矛盾是一个笑点。
We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”
此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；间接表达了中国是美国的债权国，属于monologue常用技巧：政治时事热点就那么几条，关键是能够委婉间接的通过不同的段子说到这个点上。
After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”
我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。
Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt.
In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.
这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”
这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。
We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.
美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。这里提到皮特和朱莉可以做两种解释:一是自传的文字都可以用来形容明星了，二是若将自传拍成电影的话得请他俩来出演才够格。
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)” ,my point exactly.
马叫声英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是发出马叫声的人，谐音nay-sayer，后者是总说反对意见，投反对票的人，na这个词y常用在现场口头投票，如果反对，一般说nay，不说no。在座很多记者，我认为是我的同行，还有上面的自炫比奥巴马优越，因为不用健身，都是一种比较难解释很微妙的幽默，可以理解为对那些自我感觉良好的人的一种讽刺。
my point exactly，这正是我想说的，是用这个蹩脚的双关来解释共和党近一年来的表现：对奥巴马的几乎所有提案都持反对票，同时讽刺一下他们的动机：就是为了反对而反对。
This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!
PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台，弘扬主旋律为主，QVC是电视购物频道，所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。明知自己的演讲时CSPAN在直播，但还讽刺一下这个电视台，美国人很喜欢这么干。CSPAN相当于美国国会的监控录像，全天直播国会的各种会议，听证，刚开始看了新鲜，时间长了就很无聊。
I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.
奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。take that Stephen Colbert相当于说：怎么样Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。
I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!
讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。
After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.
当众邀功奥巴马和拜登的当选，You had me那句是指，你们的那句Yes we can打动了我。
After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
Two negatives make a positive，负负得正，joe在其他节目里还说过下一句的，这次没说出来，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍，无论父母身份。
So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”
这个who cares是经典，用了一开始说的话，可以理解为hu cares，也就是我关心大家的疾苦，同时who cares这个意思也讽刺了一下美国竞选的本质，宣传口号是口号，当选了也许就不那么关注老百姓的感受了。
网上很多人说这个who也指hu主席，我觉得没有这层意思，就是 我在乎V.S. 谁tm在乎呢
If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:”Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!”
同性婚姻问题是政治热点。一半的婚姻是要持续一生的，正常思维是担心两个人会离婚，这里反向思维，颇有笑果。
I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.
不断地调侃总统副总统。Olson twins是著名双胞胎，童星。曾经两人演一个角色，在《full house》里。
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
如果当选，我将找到治疗自然死亡的方法，讽刺一下美国总统的大选的诸多空头承诺，很多不可能实现的。
pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况，保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。
I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.
无厘头的解决全球变暖方法。最后一句是08年美国的经典段子，麦凯恩搭档，阿拉斯加女州长佩林接受采访被问到有什么外交经验时，说了类似的话，但不是原句。后来经喜剧女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿调侃，这句成为经典。
On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!”
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.
最后感谢提到自己的儿子，很温馨。
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