到哪里都是主场

A lot of celebrities check into hotels under fake names. I always use a name that no one will recognize: Craig Ferguson. -Craig Ferguson

很多明星宾馆登记用假名字以防被认出来。我常用的是：Craig Fergurson。

The only difference between “American Idol” and karaoke is that on “Idol,” they don’t have the words in front of them and most of them aren’t drunk while they’re singing. -Jimmy Kimmel

《美国偶像》和卡拉OK的区别是，前者没有屏幕上的歌词提示，而且唱的时候没有喝醉。

A recent study found that the U.S. has a higher obesity rate than Canada. Then again, maybe we just look fatter because our flag has horizontal stripes. –Jimmy Fallon

最近的研究显示美国肥胖人口比例高于加拿大。我们看起来更胖也许是因为美国的国旗是横条的。

A new survey found that women spend eight years of their lives going shopping. Which means men spend eight years of their lives on a bench outside Anne Taylor at the mall. –Jimmy Fall

最新调查显示女人一生中要花费8年的时间购物。这意味着男人一生有8年的时间是坐在商场休息处。

According to Forbes, the richest man in the world is from Mexico. It turns out he’s Oprah’s gardener. –Conan O’Brien

根据福布斯杂志，世界上最富有的人来自墨西哥。那人是奥普拉的园丁。

Julianne Moore will play Sarah Palin in an HBO movie. Moore said she knows absolutely nothing about politics, and the producers said, “Perfect.” –Craig Ferguson

朱利安摩尔将在一部电影中扮演萨拉佩林。摩尔说自己不懂政治，制片人表示那太好了。

"Julianne Moore has signed on to play Sarah Palin in a TV movie. Remember how Robert De Niro had to gain 60 pounds to play the boxer Jake LaMotta? Julianne has to drop 125 IQ points to play Sarah Palin." –Jay Leno

朱利安摩尔将在一部电影中扮演萨拉佩林。当年罗伯特德尼罗为了演一个拳击手曾经增重60磅，这次摩尔为了扮演佩林得降低125点智商值。

"They’re using high-pressure water cannons and helicopters dropping seawater to try to cool down the reactor. And they say if that works, they’re going to try that here on Charlie Sheen." –Bill Maher

日本用高压水枪和直升机将海水浇到反应堆中，试图降低其温度。如果这招见效的话，将用在查理辛身上。

It’s estimated that more than 600,000 iPad 2s were sold this weekend. The lines were so long that by the time I got to the front they were selling the iPad 7.
-Jimmy Fallon

据估计本周末将售出60万个iPad2。苹果店前队伍如此之长，轮到我的时候，已经开始卖iPad 7了。

Can you imagine a year without professional football? It’s like living in Detroit. –David Letterman

你能想象一年没有职业橄榄球比赛吗？就像生活在底特律一样。

"Charlie’s two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya." –Jimmy Kimmel

查理辛的两个儿子跟着母亲到了一个安全一点儿的地方：利比亚。

"This is the last voyage of the Space Shuttle, and President Obama called them in space today: ‘You’re not going to believe what’s happening with Charlie Sheen down here.’" –Conan O’Brien

这是发现号航天飞机的最后一次旅行，今天总统奥巴马对太空中的宇航员说：你们肯定不相信查理辛出了什么事。

"Mexico’s president arrived in Washington. He’s here to do the work that American presidents won’t do." –Jay Leno

墨西哥总统今天访问华盛顿。他来干美国总统不愿意干的活。

"The Mexican president was in town and said he wants more American tourists to visit his country. Which explains their new tourism slogan: ‘Mexico. Come to us or we’ll come to you.’" –Jimmy Fallon

墨西哥总统访问美国，他希望更多的美国人到墨西哥旅游。他们针对美国人的旅游宣传口号是：你要是不来的话，我们就去你们的国家。

"Mexican President Calderon told President Obama that the United States must do more to reduce the demand for drugs. Obama said, ‘We got Charlie Sheen off cocaine. What more do you want us to do?’" –Jay Leno

墨西哥总统卡尔德隆跟奥巴马说，美国需要努力减少毒品的需求。奥巴马说：我们已经让查理辛戒掉了可卡因，还不够嘛？

"Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just thought it was an American city because there were so many Mexicans there." –Jay Leno

德州州长里克佩里宣称墨西哥的华瑞兹市是美洲最危险的城市。他也许以为那是一个美国城市，因为有很多墨西哥人住在那里。

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has been offered a role in a sequel to ‘The Terminator.’ In this one he travels back in time and kills the person who suggested he run for Governor." –Conan O’Brien

施瓦辛格将在《终结者》续集里出演一个角色。这次他时间旅行到过去，杀掉了建议他竞选加州州长的人。

This is our 1,500th show. To put that in perspective, it only takes 11 episodes to choose a winner on “American Idol.” –Jimmy Kimmel

这是我们第1500期节目。从次数的角度来看，《美国偶像》只需要11期就能选出一个冠军。

The iPad 2 was unveiled today, and it features two cameras. It’s great for people who love using their iPads in public, because now you can actually film everyone rolling their eyes at you –Jimmy Fallon

iPad二代发布了，有两个摄像头。对于喜欢在公共场合炫耀iPad的人来说再好不过了，可以拍摄下周围人羡慕的眼光。

Brigham Young University kicked one of its star basketball players off the team for violating a school rule that prohibits extramarital sex. On the bright side, I think he’ll do just fine in the NBA. –Conan O’Brien

杨百翰大学开除了校篮球队的一明星球员，因为他有婚外性行为。好消息是，他在NBA会大有前途。

1. 加州理工学院男篮以46比45战胜对手，迎来了在美国大学男篮联赛中26年来的第一次胜利。连败26年，连唐骏在那读书期间都没见过母校赢球。

2. 新《保健按摩操作规范》增加了对时间的要求，局部按摩时间应不少于30分钟。问题是，顾客坚持不了这么长时间

3. 有传闻说因为姚晨不愿生孩子导致与凌潇肃分手。于是梁洛斯和李泽楷站出来反驳了这种说法。

4. 利比亚示威者建临时政府，称已控制80%领土。剩下的20%地方限制外地车辆进入，所以暂时还没办法攻入。

5. 全国两会期间在天安门广场为中心的200公里半径范围内严禁飞行物升天，包括小型航空器、空飘气球。房价除外。

6. 专家称北京在建磁悬浮地铁对人体健康无影响。只要不在上班高峰时乘坐。

7. 专家称北京在建磁悬浮地铁对人体健康的影响小于正常看电视时的影响。坏消息是，只是小于看CCTV节目对人体健康造成的影响。

8. 为防止公车私用，重庆荣昌县给公车贴上专门标签。为达到效果，贴的标签就写了俩字——奥拓。

9. 2010年12月全国大学英语四、六级考试成绩于今天上午9点发布。如果你过了的话，可能毕业还是找不到工作；如果没过的话，可以考虑来新浪开英语微博，坐拥几十万粉丝。

10. 新浪发布的2010年第四季度及全年财报显示，微博注册用户数破亿，较四个月前增加一倍。下一步是让每个用户的助理都注册一个账户，用户数又可以翻倍了。

11. 国务院今将讨论提高个税起征点。预计起征点将从拥有一千粉丝提高到一万粉丝。

12. 国务院通过税改草案，将提高个税起征点。换句话说，就是要剥夺低收入者做为纳税人的荣誉。

13. 万科董事局主席王石已远赴美国哈佛大学求学。根据总理网聊的讲话精神，他选的第一门课叫做《道德概论》。

14. iPad2第一批上市国家不包括中国。中国海关非常高兴。

15. 全国政协委员濮存昕骑自行车前往全国两会驻地报到。成为唯一没有迟到的代表。

16. 迪奥首席设计师约翰·加利亚诺因为说“我爱希特勒”而被开除。立刻被凤凰卫视邀请去当国际时事评论员。

17. 3月14日温家宝将与中外记者见面并回答问题。这几天他正在背《古典诗词欣赏》

18. 温家宝指出今年GDP预期增速目标为8%。后来发现念的是去年的政府工作报告。

19. 陈光标称自己非政协委员，已旁听全国两会11年。还给自己起了名字叫做“陈旁听”。

20. 人大代表透露中纪委正起草财产公示建议稿 。他们对此非常兴奋，终于可以投一次反对票了。

KFC changes their slogan every 50 years, just like their fryer oil. –David Letterman

肯德基每50年改一次宣传口号。就像它用来炸食物的油一样。

"The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It’s not a stimulus package, it’s a ‘don’t overthrow me’ package." –Jay Leno

沙特国王宣布发给国民370亿美元的福利。这不是经济刺激补贴，这是“不要推翻我”补贴。

"George Clooney says he’s had sex with too many women to ever run for office. He was immediately made Prime Minister of Italy." –Conan O’Brien

乔治克鲁尼说他不适合从政，因为跟太多的女人有染。于是他被任命为意大利总理。

"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid says he wants to outlaw prostitution in his home state of Nevada. He said he wants to keep prostitution where it belongs — in Washington, D.C." –Jimmy Fallon

国会多数派领袖哈利雷德说他想让卖淫在内华达州变成非法。他是想让卖淫只存在于其老家—首都华盛顿。

Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself. –Conan O’Brien

卡扎菲说一个理智的人是不会反对他的。于是他自己也加入反对卡扎菲的队伍。

Facebook has decided to ban a new app that sends you an e-mail when your crush becomes single. So you’ll just have to find out if they’re single the old-fashioned way: by clicking on their Facebook profile 30 or 40 times a day. –Jimmy Kimmel

Facebook否决了一个应用，这个应用可以在你喜欢的人变成单身后向你发邮件提示。所以只能用老办法判断你钟意的人是否分手–每天点几十下他们的Facebook页面。

The price of gas is getting so high that a Beverly Hills gas station is selling it by the gram. –Jay Leno

油价如此之高，贝佛利山庄附近一个加油站已经开始按克售油了。

The price of gas here was up to $4.50. When I started pumping, it was only $3.85. –Jay Leno

油价现在已经四块五了。刚才我开始加的时候还是三块八毛五呢。

One of the Best Picture nominees this year is the movie “127 Hours.” It’s about last year’s Academy Awards show. -David Letterman

奥斯卡最佳影片提名包括《127小时》。这是关于去年奥斯卡颁奖典礼的一部片子

“True Grit” should have been in the Best Foreign Film category because I couldn’t understand a thing Jeff Bridges said..–Jimmy Kimmel

《大地惊雷》应该提名最佳外语片的，因为我根本没看懂。

Christian Bale won the Best Supporting Actor award for playing a mentally unstable drug addict. Then Charlie Sheen said, “You can get an Oscar for that?” –Jimmy Fallon

克里斯丁贝尔因为出演一个精神异常的吸毒成瘾者而成奥斯卡最佳男配角。查理辛：因为这可以得奥斯卡？

A company in Japan is holding the world’s first marathon for robots. My money is on the robot from Kenya winning. –Jimmy Fallon

日本一家企业将举办首届世界机器人马拉松比赛。我赌来自肯尼亚的机器人会赢。

"Texas is reportedly going to give college students the right to carry guns on campus. So I guess that next semester, every college student in Texas is getting straight A’s." –Conan O’Brien

据报道德克萨斯州允许高校学生携带枪支上学。所以我猜下学期德州所有大学生考试都是A。

"I spent Presidents Day acting like a president. I took someone else’s money and spent it on something I don’t need." –Jay Leno

美国总统节这天我过得像一个总统一样。我花别人的钱买了一些我不需要的东西。

"They say President Lincoln once walked three miles to pay back a penny. That makes him the last president to do anything about the debt." –David Letterman

据说林肯总统曾经步行三英里只为了还一分钱。这让他成为最后一个还债的美国总统。

"President Taft was so fat that before he was elected to the Oval Office it was square." –Craig Ferguson

美国第27任总统塔夫特如此之胖，他当选前椭圆办公室还是方的。

"Bill Clinton recently revealed that he only sent two e-mails while he was President. Then he added, "And it turns out those pills are just a scam." –Jimmy Fallon

最近克林顿透露他在任期间只发过两封电子邮件。接着他补充说：不过那些药片都是骗人的。

This is our 400th episode. Only 600 more and I get a free Subway sandwich. –Jimmy Kimmel

这是我主持的第400期节目。再主持600期就能拿到一个免费的赛百味三明治了。

"Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of ‘hallucination pills.’ In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya." –Conan O’Brien

利比亚总统卡扎菲说反对他的人民都是因为吃了摇头丸。听说此事后，查理辛登上了飞往利比亚的飞机。

"CBS has shut down Charlie Sheen’s show, ‘Two and a Half Men.’ Now I’m back to being CBS’ No. 1 paid embarrassment." –David Letterman

CBS电视台终结了查理辛主演的《好汉两个半》。现在我成了CBS第一高薪低能之人。

"People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi." –Conan O’Brien

观众们抱怨奥斯卡太无聊了。他们已经选出了明年的主持人：查理辛和卡扎菲。