到哪里都是主场

Researchers at the University College of London report that indoor heating makes us fat. They say cold air helps us stay thin. Unless, of course, that blast of cold air you’re getting is from constantly opening the refrigerator door.  -Jay Leno

伦敦大学研究者称市内热空气能使人变胖，冷空气能使人保持苗条。当然，除非冷空气来自你不停地开冰箱。

"Facebook is looking into buying Twitter for around $10 billion. If all goes as planned, the company hopes to combine the two companies, creating the biggest waste of time the world has ever seen." –Jay Leno

Facebook出价100亿美元收购Twitter。如果成功的话，两个公司将合并，产生出有史以来最浪费时间的东西。

According to Glamour magazine, 12 percent of married adults met their spouses online. The other 88 percent met somebody else’s spouse online. –Jay Leno

根据《魅力》杂志，12%的已婚夫妇通过在线方式见另一半。其余88%通过在线方式见别人的另一半。

"Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it’s being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day." –Conan O’Brien

总统节快乐。或者按照中东的叫法，“推翻你的总统”节快乐。

"Yemen’s president says that despite protests, he won’t leave office. His exact words were, ‘The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.’" –Conan O’Brien

也门总统表示虽然有抗议，但是不会辞职。他原话是：奥斯卡颁奖典礼是这周日，皇宫里我有一台宽屏大电视。。。

"They found a gorilla that walks upright. Soon after hearing this, I had 50 jokes that all ended with the same punch line: Arnold Schwarzenegger. –David Letterman

研究者发现了一个直立行走的大猩猩。听完这个消息我立刻想起50个以“施瓦辛格”结尾的笑话。

"Michelle Obama says her husband, President Obama, has quit smoking. Fox News reported this as ‘Obama Destroying the Tobacco Industry.’" –Craig Ferguson

米歇尔说他丈夫奥巴马已经成功戒烟。福克斯新闻台将其报道为“奥巴马摧毁了烟草业”。

A new study found that married couples who go on double dates with other couples are more likely to have better relationships. They say it inspires better communication — on the ride home, when you talk about how much you hated the other couple.- Jimmy Fallon

一项研究发现，已婚夫妇经常与另一对夫妇共同约会的往往会夫妻关系更和谐。因为有助于相互交流：结束共同约会的回家路上，你们会谈起有多讨厌另一对夫妇。

"Watson the computer crushed its human opponents on ‘Jeopardy.’ This is the greatest victory of machine over man since the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger." –Jay Leno

电脑“华生”在智力问答节目中战胜人类选手。这是自施瓦辛格当选加州州长以来机器人取得的最大胜利。

"President Obama had dinner with some of the top tech executives: the CEO of Facebook, the CEO of Apple, the CEO of Oracle, and their waiter, the CEO of MySpace." –Jay Leno

奥巴马与一些顶尖互联网企业的老总共进晚餐，包括Facebook的CEO，苹果的CEO，甲骨文的CEO和他们的服务员—MySpace的CEO。

1. 今晚播出的元宵晚会上明星们纷纷“改行”，宋祖英将表演魔术，海清将唱歌。李菁和何云伟会给大家带来一段相声。

2. 上海拟投资逾400亿打造世界著名旅游城市。主要方案是提高房价使得只有游客才来得起。

3. 罗纳尔多突然宣布提前退役。外星人的这个决定是如此突然，后卫还没有做出任何反应。

4. 铁道部长刘志军涉嫌严重违纪被免职。被判每年排队去买春运火车票。

5. 福建省龙岩市建设局对此前网络曝出的“9年不上班领空饷者”作出了正式处理决定：要求其在15日内回单位。把年前单位发的年货领走。

6. 据民政部统计，2010年中国办理结婚登记的大约是1200万对。你就能估算出中国大概有多少20多岁的姑娘，和40多岁的男人。

7. 受与微软达成战略合作消息影响，诺基亚股价11日开盘大跌12%。相当于其CEO创作了一首摇滚歌词。

8. 微软宣布与诺基亚战略合作，Windows Phone 7将装在诺基亚手机上。这样用户因蓝屏死机而怒摔手机时，就不怕摔坏了。

9. TVBS周刊发起的台湾女星最美胸部调查出炉，林志玲夺魁。所以你就知道台湾人是不看大陆春晚的。

10. 中国论文数量居世界第一，引用率却排在100名开外，有价值的论文极少。就像腾讯微博。

11. 中国行业收入差距已居世界首位，最低和最高扩大至15倍。分别是大学毕业生和中学退学生。

12. 今天起90号汽油全国平均零售价每升上调0.26元。外地车辆若想在北京加油，至少得在加油站的超市连续购物五次。

13. 520余名日本人将籍贯迁入钓鱼岛等争议岛屿。为了以后能在钓鱼岛买房。

14. 今年年底之前，全国所有公共图书馆将全面免费开放。市民又多了一个可以上微博的地方。

15. 中科院调研称湖南广西等地农作物砷超标达几百倍。化学元素如此丰富，都可以拿来做火锅底料了。

16. 美国白宫首次在中国大陆选拔10名实习生。为追求奥巴马而来到美国的凤姐听说后：啊？

17. 利比亚抗议风暴导致油价达到2008年以来最高点。你就发现任何事情都能导致油价上涨：伊斯兰革命，GDP超过日本，铁道部长下台，限制外地人买房。。。

18. 油价如此之高。以至于王洪成准备重出江湖。

19. 油价如此之高。以至于方舟子和唐骏都拼一辆车出行。

20. 油价如此之高。以至于地沟油推出燃油系列产品。

Two hundred million people did not watch the Super Bowl. Who are these people and why are we allowing them to coexist with us? –Jimmy Kimmel

2亿人没有收看超级碗。这些都是什么人，为什么可以跟我们生活在一起。

I wouldn’t want to live in the Middle Ages. No dentistry, no plumbing, no Larry King . . . actually, I think there was Larry King. –Craig Ferguson

我不想生活在中世纪。没有牙医，没有自动排水系统，没有拉里金。等一下，好像有拉里金。

Happy Valentine’s Day. Honestly, how many guys didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day until I just said it? –Jay Leno

情人节快乐！说实话，多少人是我刚说这句才意识到今天是情人节的？

The first official Valentine’s Day was declared by King Henry VIII, who was married six times. He was the Larry King of his day. Actually, that’s not true. It was the 16th Century, so Larry King was there. –Craig Ferguson

历史上第一个情人节是由亨利八世宣布的，他结过六次婚。堪称那个时代的拉里金。不对，那是16世纪，拉里金还活着呢。（拉里金结过八次婚）

President Obama unveiled his new budget, including $1 trillion in spending cuts, which Obama called the most painful choice he’s ever made. Then he looked over at Joe Biden and said, “OK, 2nd most painful choice.” –Craig Ferguson

奥巴马公布了新的财政计划，减少一万亿的开销，奥巴马说这是他做过的最痛苦的决定。然后他看了一眼副总统拜登说：好吧，第二痛苦的决定。

The bookstore chain Borders will reportedly file for bankruptcy sometime this week. Of course, this is really bad news for their most dedicated clientele: people who need to go to the bathroom. –Jimmy Fallon

据报道连锁书店Borders本周将提交破产保护。这对于他们忠实的顾客来说绝对是个坏消息—想用卫生间的人们。

"Representative Chris Lee was forced to resign after sending a shirtless picture of himself to a woman on Craigslist. On the bright side, he did surprise his wife for Valentines Day." –Conan O’Brien

纽约众议员Chris Lee因为在Craigslist上给一女子发送裸上身的照片而辞职。好消息是，他确实给了自己妻子一个情人节的惊喜。

Married Congressman Christopher Lee was looking for dates on Craigslist and describing himself as divorced. But in fairness, he’s about to be.-Jimmy Fallon

已婚议员Chris Lee在Craigslist找情人并说自己是已离婚。说实话，他确实快要离婚了。

"Peru has changed its national anthem. It wasn’t too hard to change the lyrics. They just let Christina Aguilera sing it." –Jay Leno

秘鲁更改了国歌。改歌词并不难，只要让Christina Aguilera唱一遍就好了。（Christina Aguilera在超级碗开幕式上唱错了美国国歌）

"During his interview with President Obama last night, Bill O’Reilly asked him to explain how he deals with so many people hating him. In response, Obama said, ‘You first.’" –Jimmy Fallon

昨晚采访总统奥巴马时，Bill O’Reilly问道在那么多人不喜欢你的情况下你是如何做决策的。奥巴马回答：你先说说看。

"The problem in Egypt is that so many government officials are rich and the people are poor. I think it’s a pyramid scheme." –Jay Leno

埃及的问题是政府官员太有钱，老百姓太穷了。就像他们的金字塔结构。

"Egypt’s President Mubarak finally resigned. When they heard that a Muslim president stepped down, the Tea Party said, ‘Obama’s leaving?’" –Jay Leno

埃及总统穆巴拉克终于辞职了。当茶党听说一个穆斯林总统下台后问：奥巴马离职了？

"This whole revolution was started by a Facebook page. So Mubarak wasn’t so much as deposed as de-friended." –Bill Maher

埃及的整个抗议活动是从Facebook发起的。所以与其说穆巴拉克被废黜，不如说被大家“解除好友关系”。

"Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak is thinking of moving to Los Angeles. Before you get him a roommate, just know that he’s really hard to evict." –Conan O’Brien

前埃及总统穆巴拉克想搬到洛杉矶。你要是考虑做他室友的话，你得知道他很难被赶走的。

"Hosni Mubarak reportedly didn’t understand the Internet and social networking. That may be true, but somehow he figured out how to wire $80 billion to Switzerland." –David Letterman

穆巴拉克不了解互联网和社交网站。但是他知道如何把800亿美元汇到瑞士。

Protests are spreading around to Yemen, Algeria, Iran, and also last night’s audience.-David Letterman

抗议行为蔓延到也门，阿尔及利亚，伊朗和昨晚的观众。（自嘲自己昨晚的节目很烂）

CNN’s Anderson Cooper was punched in the head in Egypt. We have to take Anderson’s word since it was on CNN, so no one saw it. –Jay Leno

CNN的Anderson Copper在埃及头部被袭击。我们只好听信他的话，因为那是CNN，没有人看的。

Hosni Mubarak is supposedly worth around $80 billion. He claims to have saved the money by properly inflating his tires." –David Letterman

穆巴拉克被曝拥有800亿美元。号称是通过给轮胎打足气省下的这么多钱。（常见的省油注意事项之一是轮胎气压要足）

"The Egyptian President is still refusing to leave. They’re calling him ‘The Leno of the Nile.’" –Craig Ferguson

埃及总统还是拒绝下台。被称为“尼罗河的Leno“。

President Mubarak may be the richest man in the world, with as much as $70 billion. That’s almost as much as Oprah’s half-sister.–Craig Ferguson

穆巴拉克也许是世界上最富有的人，拥有700亿美元。相当于奥普拉同母异父的妹妹。

"Vice President Joe Biden was called for jury duty. He can get out of it if he can convince the judge that his presence at his job is essential. So he’s going to jury duty." –Jay Leno

副总统拜登最近被召唤履行陪审员的义务，其实他可以不用去的，只要能向法官证明他的工作是不可或缺的。所以他得去当陪审员。

"A Chicago court ruled former White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel can’t run for Mayor of Chicago. However, according to Chicago law, he’s free to purchase the position." –Conan O’Brien

芝加哥法院判定前白宫首席顾问Rahm Emanuel不能参选芝加哥市长。不过根据芝加哥法律，他可以买到这个市长职位。

"A court has ruled that Rahm Emanuel is not legally allowed to run for mayor of Chicago, which in Chicago I believe means he won." –Stephen Colbert

芝加哥法院判定前白宫首席顾问Rahm Emanuel不能参选芝加哥市长。在芝加哥这意味着他已经竞选成功了。

"In the State of the Union address tonight, President Obama focused his speech on how to bring prosperity back to America. It basically involves all of us convincing Oprah we’re her half sister. That’s the plan." –Conan O’Brien

奥巴马在国情咨文演讲中强调如何使美国重新繁荣昌盛。基本上计划是让每个美国人都成为奥普拉同母异父的妹妹。

"A Washington Post columnist is proposing a ‘Sarah-Palin-Free February,’ a whole month in which she’s not mentioned. This is stupid. Don’t pick February, the shortest month." –Jay Leno

华盛顿邮报一专栏作家提议一个“没有佩林的二月”，整个二月所有人都不提及佩林。这太傻了，不应该选二月的，二月是最短的月份。

"Congress is proposing a bill that would give President Obama a kill switch that he could use to freeze all activity on the Internet if there were a national emergency. The kill switch goes by the top-secret name Microsoft Windows." –Conan O’Brien

国会正在提交一个议案，赋予奥巴马在国家紧急状态下关闭所有互联网的权力。这个关闭互联网的开关叫做–微软Windows操作系统。

"The Egyptian protesters are using Facebook to get away from the police, but the police are using Farmville to build fences to keep the protesters in." –Jay Leno

埃及示威群众通过Facebook了解警察动态以逃避追捕。但是警察利用开心农场建起围栏包围示威者。

"They had a party at Dick Cheney’s house and he invited 12 people to his birthday party. At midnight he told them, ‘Only 11 of you will be leaving with a heart.’" –David Letterman

切尼在家里举办了一个生日晚会，12个人参加。晚上结束的时候，切尼说：你们中只有11个人能带着心脏离开。（切尼有心脏病）

"Egypt has shut off cell phones and the internet. It’s like visiting your parents’ house." –David Letterman

埃及关闭了手机和互联网服务。那感觉就像回父母家一样。

A pop star in Indonesia was sentenced to more than three years in jail for making a sex tape. Wow, that’s much worse than the penalty you get here — becoming rich and famous. –Jimmy Fallon

印度尼西亚一明星因为拍了一个色情视频被判三年监禁。跟我们国家完全不一样，在这里你会名利双收。